Vagina Owner’s Manual (excerpt)

This weekend I went to the hospital, due to a little scare, to be monitored.  Fortunately, everything seems fine and the little stowaway seems content to stay put a little longer.  As a precaution, however, I was sent home on bed rest.

This isn’t my first round of bed rest orders in this lifetime.  What never ceases to confuse me are the instructions that accompany bed rest orders.  For starters, I tried telling my children that the doctor said I have to take it easy, get lots of rest and that I am not supposed to be lifting.  I might as well tell them I feel hungry.  They filed it right under “not our fucking problem”.  Number Three, especially, doesn’t give one ounce of fuck about these instructions.  Whatever.  Anyways, the instructions are always given something like this:  “Okay, we are sending you home on bed rest.  That means that you need to get lots of pelvic rest.  Relax.  No strenuous exercise.  Don’t over exert yourself.  Limit yourself to getting up only to go to the bathroom.  No lifting.  No intercourse, no orgasms and DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA. ”  Then after the doctor lists all that out and you acknowledge that you understand the instructions, the nurse comes in with the discharge paperwork.  She paraphrases these instructions again, “Okay, so the doctor explained you’re on bed rest.  Just take it easy.  No exercise, no intercourse and don’t put ANYTHING in your vagina.”.  Then she gives you the paperwork and as you are signing, she reiterates “no intercourse and don’t put anything in your vagina.”.  When I get home, my doctor’s regular nurse calls to check on me and she asks “are you getting rest?”.

“As much as I can with three children.”, I laugh.

“Okay.”, she says, “Just remember, nothing in your vagina!”.

I have been on bed rest with all three previous pregnancies in three different hospitals and the instructions were consistent from one to the other.  Which leads me to my question: What the fuck are these doctors and nurses witnessing while working in the labor and delivery unit?  The “no sex” instruction obviously covers sticking a penis in there.  Am I wrong to assume that the moratorium on having an actual penis more than implies that you shouldn’t be sticking a fake penis up there?  Am I giving people too much credit?  What else are pregnant women going home and cramming in their vaginas that this must be drilled into our heads?  There is already a human being crammed up there, leaving most pregnant women less than thrilled at the idea of even allowing a penis to take up any more space.  For the life of me, I can’t figure out why pregnant women must be told over and over again to stop shoving shit into their vaginas.  It isn’t a storage space, ladies!!

Don’t get me wrong, people!  Normally, I like shoving random things into the ol’ penis penitentiary as much as the next girl.  Going out with friends on a Friday night is a lot more fun with a little glitter in my manhole.  Sometimes, carrying a purse is just a pain.  What better place to store the essentials, like my ID, lip gloss and digital camera, than in my vagina?  Now that I am pregnant, though, I just have to make sacrifices! You risk losing your favorite lip gloss or even a credit card if junior begins a round of his favorite game: kick mommy in the birth cannon.  Besides, pregnancy and childbirth are borderline abusive to the vagina.  Be kind to your vagina during this time!  In no time at all, after you have ejected your occupant, you can get back to stuffing household objects and/or office supplies into your vagina!  Whatever floats your boat.