Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

What NOT to Post on Facebook

I love Facebook. I am absolutely addicted. It is a great place to keep up with family and friends. It offers the chance to keep up with current events and you may even find out points of view of your friends and family that you would not have, otherwise, discovered. From news, to entertainment, to what the hell is everyone doing on Friday, it is available in one place. I like to use my personal Facebook very lightheartedly, for the most part. At least once a day, I am stunned at what people will post on their Facebook pages. I know that, for those that are diligent about their privacy settings, these postings are only viewable by their closest 387 friends but I still urge you to take a second and consider the following before you hit that “enter” key.

1) No one really needs to know about the activity of your bowels.

Seriously. It’s fucking gross. Whether they are inactive or overactive, it is too fucking much information. What is the point of sharing this with hundreds of people?

2) Sharing about your children’s shitting habits is just as disgusting.

Telling all of your friends that little Janie’s ass exploded in her diaper and describing in any detail about how much, how far down her legs it ran or how much laundry you had to do as a result is more than we ever needed to know. I assure you, little Janie will be horrified that you shared this information one day.

3) Your friends/family don’t need to know EVERY detail about your pregnancy, labor or childbirth.

Sharing stories about cravings, bitching about weight gain or baby movements, etc is fine. You do not, however, need to tell us about things like your mucous plug, leaking breasts, bloody show, sweeping membranes or how many fingers your doctor got into your vadge during the cervical exam. Give us the abridged, family friendly version.

Hey! I just started my period!

4) Every random thought or action you make throughout the day.

10:30am- Just had breakfast. Oatmeal and toast. nom nom nom

10:54am- I forgot to get trash bags at the store!

11:47am – at the store, getting trash bags!

12:49pm- I love Ellen show

3:20pm- It’s hot outside.

3:32pm- wish I had a pool 😦

4:49pm-Gotta make dinner

5:36pm-dinner smells good!

6:07pm- dinner is delicious! (complete with picture)

7:00pm- nothing on TV

8:11pm- getting tired *yawn*

9:02pm- going to bed. GN FB!

Is that really necessary? Why do people think that anyone wants to know every fucking move you make or every thought that passes through your head. If you are bored while living that shit, what makes you think READING about it would be entertaining? Watching paint dry would be more interesting. Take that shit to twitter.

5) Your relationship bullshit

You can’t wait to kissy and cuddle your hunky schmoopy poo? Don’t post that shit on his/her Facebook page, mmmkay. Send it in a text or make a personal phone call.  Why do you think the world needs to be privy to this ridiculousness? Keep the pillow talk to yourselves, especially if it involves baby talk and stupid pet names.  My favorites are those that have to say “cuddling with the hubby and watching a movie”. Here’s a novel idea: Why don’t you put down your iPad or smart phone and actually spend time with your significant other. Facebook will still be there in 92 minutes when your movie is over.

On the other side of the same coin, there is couples drama. Now, I won’t go so far as to discourage this because, well, it is totally entertaining. If you want to hash out your disagreement for everyone to see, I won’t tell you to stop. I’m going to pop some fucking popcorn and sit back and hope for fireworks! Put on a good show and I will even ‘like’ my favorite comments. Consider those clicks to be my votes for the ‘winner’ of the argument. (Don’t mistake my amusement or participation for approval. You are making complete asses of yourselves. I, like most other people, just can’t take my eyes off a train wreck.)6) How BUSY, BUSY you are.

You’ve posted three statuses in 2 hours about how you have so much work to do, so much paperwork, so much organizing, you never have enough time to get anything done because the boss, or your homework or your kids have you completely overwhelmed and you barely have time to take a piss. In between posting those status updates and comments, you have achieved a new high score in Bejeweled, shared some Youtube funnies and commented on pictures from last weekend.

7) Vaguebook posts

I have a couple of friends that are notorious for this one. (coughHEATHERcough) The status usually is three words or less and leaves you wondering what the fuck they are referring to and if they are in some sort of distress. Some examples are:

“THIS ISN’T HAPPENING!” (which you later find out was a response to the American Idol results show)

“Wow. Just wow.” (turns out, some one cut them off in the parking lot of work)


What would you add to the list of FB DON’Ts?

Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

The Mommy Wars on the Front Page

If you haven’t seen the latest cover of Time Magazine, you must be living under a rock. The title says it all: “Are You Mom Enough?” And just like that, the ‘Mommy Wars’ are in full effect on every social network. The picture, of course, has proven to be very polarizing, which, by the photographers own admission, was the intent. The reactions have run the gamut from applause to complete indignation and disgust.  I’ve even read people equating it to child pornography and saying it borders on sexual abuse.

Well played, Time Magazine. Well played. Inflaming the mommy wars is going to sell a shit ton of magazines.

Since I have only read excerpts of the article, I am going to focus on what has proven to be the most controversial aspect of this issue: the cover.

First of all, since I have read some people assuming otherwise, this IS a mother and her own son. Second, the child is 3 years old, not an adult.  Get a grip, people! This is not earth shattering. This is not pornographic. Don’t take the bait, mothers. Don’t turn on each other.

I breastfed all four of my children. Number One was breastfed for a whopping six weeks before I switched to formula, thanks to an uneducated doctor that convinced me that I was not producing enough milk, since she wanted to nurse more frequently than every two-three hours.  That dumbass.  Number Two was breastfed for just under a year . Number Three breastfed for almost two years, when he self weaned and I plan on nursing Number Four for at least as long, longer if he wants. As mothers, we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. You didn’t breastfeed at all, you didn’t breastfeed for long enough or you breastfed for too long. You can’t win! Sadly enough, the harshest critics of mothers, aside from the mother herself, is other mothers.

This cover pisses me off. I am not annoyed for the same reason as a large percentage of the general public, who find this offensive simply because it shows a breastfeeding toddler. I could picture so many of the responders to this picture, clutching their hearts, aghast and fanning themselves before fainting.  What I find off putting about this picture is that it is cold. It doesn’t give a hint of the bond between a mother and her child. The photographer has admitted that the shot was set up this way in order to make it seem awkward. He said he wanted it to appear uncommon. There was an alternative shot of the mother sitting on a stool and cradling her son, who appears to be asleep as he nurses. The magazine also shows pictures of several other women nursing their toddlers and even tandem nursing a toddler and baby.  Obviously,’Time’ is in the business of selling magazines and making money and nothing does that better than kicking up a little shit storm. Inciting the mommy wars will do just that.

I want to address some of the statements that have been made in response to this cover story.

1) Breast feeding has no benefit after the first (insert arbitrary age, usually  6 months or 1 year): Bullshit.  The benefits of breastfeeding don’t suddenly become null and void when the child reaches a certain age. Breast milk is constantly changing to meet the specific needs of your child. If your child is premature, your milk is tailored to suit the needs of your preemie. When your child is 6 months old, two years old or just sick, your milk is customized to meet his/her specific needs. If breastfeeding beyond teething is not your cup of tea, you’ll get no judgement from me.

2) Once they can ask for it, it’s time to quit: Why? My 5-month old “asks” to nurse. He cries or he tugs at my shirt. Sometimes, he pushes himself into nursing position and opens his mouth. When Number Three was nursing, he would walk up to me and climb on my lap, pull on my shirt and ask for “beebee”.  Newsflash: being able to communicate and/or walk does not negate the benefits of breast feeding.

3) I wouldn’t want my children seeing this picture!: ZOHMAHGAWD! It’s a boob profile!! You absolutely MUST protect your children from seeing a child nursing. It could damage them for life to see this picture. Funny how no one bats an eyelash over the fact that children are exposed to sexualized images of the breast on a daily basis. Just while standing in the check out line of the grocery store, your child is exposed to images like:

These women are showing as much, if not more, breast than the woman on Time, plus a whole lot more skin but this doesn’t ring anyone’s bells. If you were to attach a child to any of the breasts on the above pics, though, outrage would ensue.

4) They must get something sexual out of it: If you see a nursing child and it reminds you of pornography, you need to seek professional help. Immediately.

5) It’s not natural. Even animals wean their young after a month or two:  Actually, animals nurse their young a lot longer than most people think. People often think of kittens and puppies that are often weaned between 6-8 weeks of age. What they don’t seem to realize is that they are forcibly weaned because they are removed from their mother. If permitted, they would continue to nurse for quite a while longer. This article gives an anthropologist’s explanation of the natural age of weaning.

Like I said, if you choose not to breastfeed past one day or 6 months, that is your prerogative. I won’t think you love your child any less.  Don’t judge me for extended breastfeeding or insinuate that my choice to do so is rooted in incest. All of you working moms that pump, my hat is off to you! I don’t know how you do it, honestly. If you cloth diaper, I applaud you! I tried it and lasted a whole two weeks because laundry is my nemesis and I couldn’t reconcile that relationship with laundry to make cloth diapering work out.

The bottom line is, why can’t we be supportive of other mothers instead of looking for reasons to tear each other down. If you choose formula, I won’t think less of you. I won’t judge you because of your baby wearing stance. I won’t think you love your child any less based on whether or not you co-sleep. I won’t ever say another mother isn’t “MOM ENOUGH” because she made a different parenting choice. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I will never judge another mother. Being a parent obviously doesn’t give one Carte Blanche to do whatever they wish to their child. Abusing or neglecting your child is not a valid choice that anyone should respect, obviously. If you make the choice to knowingly and willfully harm a child, physically or psychologically, I will judge the fuck out of you.

Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Stupid Things We Say

  • ‘No offense BUT…’:  Prefacing an insult with a disclaimer does not negate the offense.
  • ‘Everything happens for a reason’:  No shit, Sherlock. We all know that every action results in an equal and opposite reaction, we all know that death occurs because we aren’t immortal but I’m most confused by how this became the default expression of condolences. Who decided this was a comforting thing to say in the wake of a tragedy or grief?  An asshole, that’s who.
  • ‘He worked like a dog’:  I have four dogs. They spend the day eating, sleeping and licking their assholes. I’m not impressed.
  • ‘I’m sorry BUT…”:  This goes along with ‘no offense but…”.  When you add the word “BUT”, the apology is completely negated.  It’s a patronizing and passive aggressive attempt to disguise an effort to assign blame to the other person. If you’re sorry, apologize, if you’re not, don’t.
  • ‘Easy as pie’:  A pie is pretty fucking hard to make. I’m just sayin’.

What are some overused expressions that drive you nuts?