Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Vagina Owner’s Manual (excerpt)

This weekend I went to the hospital, due to a little scare, to be monitored.  Fortunately, everything seems fine and the little stowaway seems content to stay put a little longer.  As a precaution, however, I was sent home on bed rest.

This isn’t my first round of bed rest orders in this lifetime.  What never ceases to confuse me are the instructions that accompany bed rest orders.  For starters, I tried telling my children that the doctor said I have to take it easy, get lots of rest and that I am not supposed to be lifting.  I might as well tell them I feel hungry.  They filed it right under “not our fucking problem”.  Number Three, especially, doesn’t give one ounce of fuck about these instructions.  Whatever.  Anyways, the instructions are always given something like this:  “Okay, we are sending you home on bed rest.  That means that you need to get lots of pelvic rest.  Relax.  No strenuous exercise.  Don’t over exert yourself.  Limit yourself to getting up only to go to the bathroom.  No lifting.  No intercourse, no orgasms and DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA. ”  Then after the doctor lists all that out and you acknowledge that you understand the instructions, the nurse comes in with the discharge paperwork.  She paraphrases these instructions again, “Okay, so the doctor explained you’re on bed rest.  Just take it easy.  No exercise, no intercourse and don’t put ANYTHING in your vagina.”.  Then she gives you the paperwork and as you are signing, she reiterates “no intercourse and don’t put anything in your vagina.”.  When I get home, my doctor’s regular nurse calls to check on me and she asks “are you getting rest?”.

“As much as I can with three children.”, I laugh.

“Okay.”, she says, “Just remember, nothing in your vagina!”.

I have been on bed rest with all three previous pregnancies in three different hospitals and the instructions were consistent from one to the other.  Which leads me to my question: What the fuck are these doctors and nurses witnessing while working in the labor and delivery unit?  The “no sex” instruction obviously covers sticking a penis in there.  Am I wrong to assume that the moratorium on having an actual penis more than implies that you shouldn’t be sticking a fake penis up there?  Am I giving people too much credit?  What else are pregnant women going home and cramming in their vaginas that this must be drilled into our heads?  There is already a human being crammed up there, leaving most pregnant women less than thrilled at the idea of even allowing a penis to take up any more space.  For the life of me, I can’t figure out why pregnant women must be told over and over again to stop shoving shit into their vaginas.  It isn’t a storage space, ladies!!

Don’t get me wrong, people!  Normally, I like shoving random things into the ol’ penis penitentiary as much as the next girl.  Going out with friends on a Friday night is a lot more fun with a little glitter in my manhole.  Sometimes, carrying a purse is just a pain.  What better place to store the essentials, like my ID, lip gloss and digital camera, than in my vagina?  Now that I am pregnant, though, I just have to make sacrifices! You risk losing your favorite lip gloss or even a credit card if junior begins a round of his favorite game: kick mommy in the birth cannon.  Besides, pregnancy and childbirth are borderline abusive to the vagina.  Be kind to your vagina during this time!  In no time at all, after you have ejected your occupant, you can get back to stuffing household objects and/or office supplies into your vagina!  Whatever floats your boat.

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

19 thoughts on “Vagina Owner’s Manual (excerpt)

  1. Agree with Robyn, hilarious. You know if they are reminding you elevendy-hundred times not to put anything in your vagina, somebody{s} did. There will be a reality show on it soon I suspect.

    I suppose on the up side, after natural child birth you can stuff more crap in your vagina than you could prior to birth, so there’s that. Damn big baby heads.

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    1. The one piece of post partum advice that I always give is: RESIST the urge to get a mirror and check out the undercarriage! Wait a few weeks and, rest assured, it will all go back to normal but don’t get curious right after giving birth. You can never unsee that!

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  2. The thing they are failing to mention is that pelvic rest means no orgasms, either. With anyone, including yourself. No anal sex, either.

    BTW, as a labor nurse, I can tell you that yes, people do put all kinds of things in there: hot peppers, fingers, tampons, sex toys, frozen hot dogs and the like.

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  3. Oh. My. God. I laughed until my stomach hurt! I certainly hope you’re making money at this blog writing thing… you freaking rock!!

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  4. I see only ladies responding so far, but I got say this was hilarious and that I do agree with you and have to wonder what they are seeing to be giving that pacific instructions…
    My 3 children as well as my grandchildren are almost always concern about other things, except my grandson, he always thinking of everyone else first!
    Good read!

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  5. Oh, Dear God…I found you because of the Punch Face article (brilliant,btw), and so I read other entries. Since you’ve been willing to share so much, I will commiserate by confessing that I have a wee bit of the stress incontinence after birthing #1 (huge mistake having that one vaginally…they should’ve surgically removed her before she reached Norse god size). This made me laugh so hard that I peed a little. Yep. I said it. In public. /nod

    I love what you’re doing here. Great stuff.

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  6. True story… My sister was put on bed rest during her last pregnancy but had to make another trip to the ER for pre-term labor. I’m so glad she waited until I got there to share with the nurse, “I thought bed rest meant anything you can do in the bed.”

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  7. As funny as this is, I understand why doctors have to stress these things. Yes, you are giving people way too much credit if you think it’s unnecessary to tell them to keep the vadge unoccupied. My older brother is a doctor and I remember during his first year of residency at the ER, he would come home with stories. You’d be amazed at the things people say they “slipped and fell on”. MP3 players, cucumbers, baby bottles, the hour glasses from family board games etc. Yea, just saying keep it dick free doesn’t cover the other miscellaneous shit people lose in their birth canal. Now, when it’s a male patient complaining of the same blockage, that’s when shit gets real interesting. But, that’s seemingly irrelevant because this is about childbirth.

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    1. Yeah, my mom is an ICU nurse and one of my closest friends and her husband are ER nurses, so I’ve heard a lot of crazy stories of the kinds of crazy fucks that are just walking around in society. But,I’m guessing that the people that store household objects and rodents in their southern orifices probably aren’t going to concern themselves with the safety or hygienic risks of that habit for any reason.

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