Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

How Not to be Raped

Todd Akin, a certified fuckwit, made a statement this past week, giving his thoughts on “legitimate rape”. Apparently, mother nature knew all too well that we women were going to be reckless and irresponsible and end up getting ourselves raped so, in her infinite wisdom, enabled our bodies to make the distinction between “legitimate rape” and “buyers remorse”, the former which would cause our reproductive functions to shut down to prevent pregnancy from resulting from such an event.

Sure, he has since back pedaled but, at least for me, there is no coming back from that bullshit. It is indefensible. It got me thinking, though, about how prevalent this thought process is throughout society. Not this exact line of thought but just the victim blame mentality that colors public opinion. In regards to rape cases reported in the media, men and women alike will often refer to or inquire about the victim’s clothing, sexual past, whether she was drinking, etc. Female victims, even homosexual male victims, are considered by society to be, at least, partially culpable for the assault against them.

As I’m brainstorming through thoughts for this post, I checked my email and found this piece of trash. Though, I can’t count how many times I have been emailed this over the years, it never fails to annoy me but I felt like this was some sort of “sign” urging me to respond.

It is forwarded on by well-intentioned friends and family that want to tell their friend, mother, sister, what steps to take to avoid being raped. I just don’t know why, of all the other women that send this my way, I am the only woman asking why I am being sent tips to avoid rape when, strangely enough, my husband, father, brothers or any male friends are not being sent tips to not rape women. I’m just sayin’…


This is important information for females of ALL ages . Guys – please
forward to the female members of your family and all your female
friends and associates.

When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends.
I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My male friends
have female friends and this information is too important to miss
someone. Please pass it along.

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what
they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting
facts :

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle.
They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid
or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed . They are also likely
to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not
common targets.

Ask around. Only women with sexy, come-hither, long hair get raped. Next time you go to the salon, tell the stylist you want to chop your ‘rapist bait’ locks off. It’s for your protection. Obviously, short hair=lesbian=butch and everyone knows that lesbians and women with a “butch” look never get raped. Oh, wait…

2) The second thing men look for is clothing . They will look for
women who’s clothing is easy to remove quickly . Many of them carry
scissors around specifically to cut clothing.

Scissor proof clothing? What the fuck are women supposed to wear? Chain metal? Glass? I mean, I’ve checked my clothing tags and they all say “flame retardant” but none of them, as far as I can tell, are scissor proof. Should I start shopping for Kevlar pants and tops?

3) They also look for women on their cell phone , searching through
their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are
off guard and can be easily overpowered.

Obviously, it would be ridiculous for men to receive an email advising them to avoid using a woman’s ponytail to initiate a rape or to, I don’t know, leave their scissors at home if they have any inclination to utilize them as rape barrier removal. No, ladies, it is we that must be ever vigilant if rape is to be avoided!

4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between
5: 00am. and 8: 30a.m.

Let your boss know that coming in prior to 9AM puts you in harm’s way.  If he/she won’t recognize the physical danger and you don’t have a big strong man who won’t rape you to escort you, quit. What choice do you have?

5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery
store parking lots . Number two is office parking lots/garages .
Number three is public restrooms .

The obvious answer is to have a man, one who isn’t all rapey, to accompany you on any and every outing and errand. If you must leave your house, unaccompanied and in possession of a vagina, make sure to avoid shopping, parking, jobs, medical appointment or, really, any appointment. Wear Depends. Otherwise, you risk being raped.

6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman
and quickly move her to another location where they don’t have to
worry about getting caught.

If you have short hair, no job and a strong bladder, you make it really hard for a rapist to transport you to a good, rapey, spot.

7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year
sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.

Rapists, as you can see, are very conscientious of consequences. They’ve thought this shit through. When you are making life choices, you have to really weigh all of your options. This shows that 98% of rapists have their sites set on a future and don’t want to fuck that up by using weapons when they rape. What’s the point? We provide the ponytails and I guess scissors aren’t considered weapons if they are only used on one’s cut away clothing. A smart rapist won’t take any risk heavier than 3-5 years. Let this put your mind at ease, ladies. They don’t want to hurt you, just rape you a little.

8) If you put up any kind of fight at all, they get discouraged
because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going
after you isn’t worth it because it will be time-consuming.

One thing that always sticks out to me when I read a story about a woman being raped is how they all just let it happen to them. There is never a fight. These women feel a tug on their ponytail and they just lay on the ground and cooperate, showing the rapist how to cut along the seams to allow her to easier repair the outfit later. If they just protested a bit, they would have been fine. You never hear about rape victims who yelled, screamed, struggled, said “no” or who were restrained or beaten. No. That just doesn’t happen. /sarcasm

9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or
other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their
hands.  Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close
to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince
these guys you’re not worth it.

You got that, ladies? If you choose to ignore the advice about never leaving home with a vagina, you have a job to do and that is to convince the rapists of the world that you are not worth raping. Cut your hair off, wear Kevlar, some brass knuckles, a few rape whistles, make an air horn necklace, carry an umbrella or a golf club, some mace and wear running shoes. If a man comes within 2 feet of you, scream “RAPE”. Women who do all of this, rarely get raped.

10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is
following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an
elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question,
like what time is it, or make general small talk: “I can’t believe it
is so cold out here”, “we’re in for a bad winter.” Now you’ve seen
their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a

If  you want to be absolutely sure that they are considering the full scope of potential repercussions, look him in the face and say, as nonchalantly as possible, “I could totally describe you to a sketch artist and identify you in a line up. Isn’t that funny?”

Remember! Women are NEVER raped by men that they know. Oh, wait…

11) If someone is coming toward you , hold out your hands in front of
you and yell STOP or STAY BACK ! Most of the rapists this man talked
to said they’d leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she
would not be afraid to fight back . Again, they are looking for an
EASY target.

Yeah! Don’t do what the typical rape victim does and just hit the ground and remove your pants when a man approaches you. If these women would have given the “STOP” hand signal and told their rapist to STAY BACK or STOP or NO beforehand, it all would have been different. Take no chances, ladies. It may look like the guy is just walking in the opposite direction and passing you on the sidewalk, in the store or at the office but, for your own protection, you mustn’t take any chances. Put up your hands, put up your dukes, scream at them, kick them or punch them as they pass. If you let yourself be seen as a victim, you have no one to blame but yourself.

12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of
it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY
and holding it out will be a deterrent.

This advice also works for those carrying guns. I suggest you spray or shoot first and ask questions later.

13) If someone grabs you , you can’t beat them with strength but you
can by outsmarting them . If you are grabbed around the waist from
behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and
armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD . One woman in a
class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy
who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the
skin and tore out muscle strands – the guy needed stitches.  Try
pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it

Ladies, even though some of the previous tips implied that kicking and hitting are valid deterrents against would-be rapists, you may be waging an uphill battle if you try to employ attempts at responding to or reciprocating with physical violence to thwart an attack. Instead, use your brain and OUTWIT your aggressor. You may think that this would suggest trickery like pointing outward and yelling, “Look! Someone dropped some scissors!” or asking who they are voting for in the next election so that when they answer they will suddenly realize that you are capable of identifying them in a line up and will retreat. If you really want to mind fuck someone intent on rape, say, “Oh my gawd! You have a tick on your arm (or leg), let me get it for you”. They will, of course, appreciatively oblige by backing off enough to permit you to remove the foreign body from their person. If rapists have the foresight to forgo the use of weapons because of the potential long-term legal consequences, it stands to reason they would be equally wary of other risks, like Lyme Disease. Then, with all of the index finger and thumb strength you can muster, PINCH! It’s foolproof!

14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN . I know from a
particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy’s parts it
is extremely painful. You might think that you’ll anger the guy and
make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our
instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of
trouble. Start causing trouble, and he’s out of there.

So far we’ve learned that the typical rapist will avoid women with short hair, screamers, umbrella carriers, conversationalists, kickers and pinchers but if you want them to know you’re serious about not wanting to be raped, you are going to have to make some real trouble by doing any and all of the above and making sure you get lined up for a clear shot to his punching bags.

15) When the guy puts his hands up to you , grab his first two fingers
and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing
down on them as possible . The instructor did it to me without using
much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked

Unless you are female body builder or eligible for the WNBA, I assume this advice is directed at those being attacked by a small child or a jockey.

16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware
of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see
any odd behavior, don’t dismiss it, go with your instincts!!!   You
may feel a little silly at the time, but you’d feel much worse if the
guy really was trouble.

The moral of the story, ladies, is rape wouldn’t be happening if women would just avoid going out in public sans an escort or weapon, quit having jobs, shopping or walking around in public and start telling every man within yelling distance, “DON’T RAPE ME!” and macing those that don’t change their course. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

I’ve asked around and, as it turns out, there is no similar list being distributed to men. I thought I would make one:

1) If you see a woman walking down the street with a ponytail or with short hair or bald, don’t rape her.

2) Scissors have many uses but if you consider cutting off a woman’s clothes to sexually assault her to be amongst the valid uses of scissors, please seek professional help immediately.

3) If you see a woman is distracted, whether by her phone or searching through her purse, don’t rape her.

4) Regardless of what time of day it is, don’t rape.

5) If you see a woman walking alone in public, at a grocery store, in a parking lot or a garage, don’t rape her.

6)  The penis is a weapon in a rape. Don’t use guns, knives or your penis to hurt another person. If you don’t rape anyone, you don’t have to worry about going to prison for rape.

7) It doesn’t matter what a woman is wearing, you are not entitled to sex with her.

8) Unless a person outright asks you to have sex with them, you don’t get to assume that they are “asking for it” by their wardrobe, dance style or sexual history. 

9) If you hear the word “no”, stop what you are doing. Just stop. Don’t assume the person really means “yes” or they are playing “hard to get”. For your sake and theirs, err on the side of caution, take the command seriously and stop. Even if everything up to that point was consensual, everyone reserves the right to set boundaries and withdraw their consent at any point. If you decide that they are going to “finish what they started” in spite of their protests, that is rape.

10) If someone you are attempting to have sex with punches you, kicks you, screams, hits or jabs you with an umbrella, maces you, pinches you or kicks you in the balls, trying to escape, you might be a rapist.

11) Don’t grab anyone from behind, from the waist, by the ponytail or use any other tactic to subdue them and rape them.

12) Being drunk doesn’t always mean “DTF”. The same goes for someone on drugs, that has been drugged or that is almost or completely passed out.

13) Don’t rape.

I’m ready for the day that, instead of “DON’T GET RAPED”, society will change the message to “DON’T RAPE”.


Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

The Good Wife’s Guide

ALLEGEDLY, this is an excerpt from a 1950’s magazine, though its origin is undetermined, according to Snopes.

Regardless of its origins, I was led to another blogger’s post via Pinterest the other day, which was endorsing the same marital advice for any other Stepford wife in training. I’m using this list, rather than link the blog because:
1) It is pretty much the same list, just in different words.

2) I don’t like the idea of rewarding the aforementioned blog with traffic, given the values that the author espouses in regards to a woman’s role.

In the 50’s, this brand of advice would be expected. Disappointed doesn’t begin to describe how I feel knowing that there are women that still subscribe to and endorse this school of thought.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Look, if you want me to cook dinner you can’t put all these conditions on it like, it needs to be ready on time and/or it has to be delicious. Do I look like a fucking magician? If I make plans to serve Fruit Loops for dinner the night before, do I still get my ‘good wife’ award?

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Hold the fucking phone. Did I get married or take a job in the hospitality industry? Touch up my make up? Put a ribbon in my hair? Are you kidding me? I would love to be “fresh-looking” but with 4 kids, including a toddler and an infant, anyone that crosses my path, including my husband, should take it as a compliment if I find the time to put on deodorant and a bra. Guess what, honey–the baby still isn’t sleeping through the night so you’re coming home to a work weary person too.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Dance monkey, DANCE!

Bored? Suck it up, buttercup, or find something to do. I’ve been doing everything short of juggling knives to entertain these children all day, it isn’t my “duty” to entertain or amuse any adult unless I am being payrolled as a performer.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust cloth over the tables.

Trying to clean up, even just clear the clutter, with four kids on the loose is like trying to shovel the driveway in the middle of a blizzard. If Husband wanted an orderly home every night when he got home, he shouldn’t have kept knocking me up.
During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

For starters, no one would ever describe this household as a “haven of rest and order”. I mean, for fuck’s sake, we have four kids. Furthermore, I cater to the comfort of the 8 month old because when he ain’t happy, nobody’s happy. As a matter of fact, EVERYBODY caters to Number Four’s comfort. That’s it. Everyone else in the house can kiss my ass. You’re on your own. If the love of my life wants a fire, he can march his ass over to the fireplace and turn the lever. BAM! Fire. Unwind away. While you’re at it, rub my feet. PLEEEEEEAAASE!!
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
If Husband wants to walk into a quiet house, he better go somewhere else.
Be happy to see him.

I assume this requires me to be VISIBLY happy to see him. Our dogs go nuts when he gets home. They are wagging their tails, whimpering and licking his feet and face. Should I act like them or will a simple, “hi” suffice?
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

So, knee pads?
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

No, they’re not.

By the way, this was the premise of one of the tips from the offending blog that really got under my skin. It pains me to know that there are so many women out there that truly believe that they are incapable of having any relevant thought or opinion when conversing with men, much less a spouse. It truly makes me sick.
Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

If Number Three found a bottle of nail polish and used it to do a remodel of the kitchen cabinets, Husband is  going to hear about it the second he comes  home. If I’ve spent the day wading through a sea of vomit and shit, you can bet your ass that I will be bitching about it from the moment he steps through the door.
Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

If he’s going to be late for work, all I need is a heads up via phone call or text. Wevs. If he stays out all night, he’s got a lot more than me complaining to worry about. I don’t care if he wants to go grab a drink or go watch football at a friend’s house. On more than one occasion, he has stayed at his friend’s house after a game or fight so as not to drive after drinking. HOWEVER, if I am not told of such plans and he were to just not come home all night, there will be hell to pay. I don’t give a flying fuck what happened at work. If he doesn’t call me or text me and just doesn’t come home, he better be in the muthafucking hospital because, if not, I will put him there.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

I’m going to hand him a kid and go take that piss I have been holding for four hours. If he wants a drink, he has arms and legs with which to get it his goddamn self. If he asks nicely, though, I’ll oblige. He’s a grown ass man. I don’t need to “lie him down in the bedroom”. What the absolute fuck? Do these women wipe their husband’s asses for them?
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Ladies: Give birth to children, don’t marry one. Unless he is disabled, he can take off his own damn shoes. I’m not saying it is degrading if you want to help your tired, sore or sick husband take off his shoes. I’ve helped Husband pull of his work boots. You just wont see me donning pearls, fluffing pillows and removing shoes, while speaking in a sweet, soothing voice, as part of any routine, especially not all at the same time.
Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

This was the gist of another bullet on that blog and was the other that really raised my hackles.  If I have cause to question Husband’s integrity or actions, you can bet that I will raise questions.

I absolutely CRINGE at the thought that there are women that truly believe that their worth is solely contingent upon someone’s opinion, subject to change on a whim if the wrong mood strikes. The fact that so many of these women have daughters that they are passing these “values” on to is beyond disturbing. The basic message for these girls is that if you want a man to recognize  value within her, she must demonstrate in all her thoughts and every action that she is utterly worthless.

A good wife always knows her place.

I’m going to smash my computer.

Here are a list of values I hope to instill in my daughter when she considers future relationships:

You, and you alone, determine your worth. Not your peers. Not some man.

Don’t be afraid or ashamed to demonstrate free thought or intelligence. Worthwhile men appreciate a woman with whom they can hold an intelligent conversation.

A worthwhile man will treat you as his social and intellectual equal. He will value your opinion and will view marriage as an equal partnership, not an imbalanced hierarchy.

A worthwhile man wont derive happiness from the subjugation of your own. In a healthy relationship, achieving happiness should be treated as a common goal.

Having a penis does not make one’s contribution to society any more relevant than your own.

It is not your “duty” to subjugate yourself to or serve anyone. Anything you do for your spouse should be carried out willingly of your own volition, not out of fear of reprise from your “master”.

You should respect your husband but never become convinced that you are unworthy of the same.

It’s okay to be in a shitty mood from time to time.

If you have a complaint, complain. Don’t be one of those people who do nothing BUT complain but never be fearful of airing your grievances.

If your husband goes MIA for an entire night or engages in any other brand of douchebag asshattery and asserts that you have no right to question him or his behavior, tell him to go pack his shit and kick fucking rocks. He can then decide, somewhere else, whether to beg for your forgiveness or continue to act like a caveman.

A good husband knows when to bring home wine.

Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

My Little Girl on Her Birthday

Number One has turned eleven. ELEVEN! She is going into junior high this year. Where has the time gone? I swear, it was just a few months ago that she was learning to walk! No, not the case. She is growing up and I don’t think I could be more proud of her and who she is becoming.

Number One has always been her own person. She has never followed the trends or really given much thought to what people think of her. While other girls were playing with barbies and baby dolls, she was fishing and catching bugs. She has no interest in fashion. I mean, she really could not care less. That has been a point of contention, I’ll admit. NOT that I want her obsessed with fashion or labels, just that I would like for her to give just a teeny-weeny shit about how she looks, every now and then. If she had it her way, she would wear worn out leggings and any old stretched out tee or tank that she could get her hands on. I call it “orphanage chic”. She can’t be bothered with fashion,  her only goal is absolute comfort.  For hanging around the house, it’s fine but if we are going anywhere or an occasion arises, I usually have to ask her to go and change into something that doesn’t look like her wardrobe is acquired through dumpster dives.

A couple of years ago, at the age of 9, someone asked what she was going to be when she grew up. She confidently stated, “I’m gonna be a herpesatologist”. Needless to say, both the asker and I were taken aback by the word “herpes” being part of the answer and neither of us knowing what she meant to say, as this was the first I had heard this answer. Up to that point, she wanted to be a veterinarian and also work at a tanning salon (like her aunt, “Apy”). I asked her what a “herpesatologist” was and she, seemingly annoyed with my lack of knowledge, answered, “someone that works with reptiles and stuff”. A quick google search gave me the answer, a HERPETOLOGIST, is a zoologist that studies reptiles and amphibians. I let her know that there was no “s” in the middle of the word. Her mind hasn’t changed since making the declaration of this future goal. She reads books on herpetology and teaches her brothers and friends about different snakes. She has given my friends facts and tidbits about the lizards and geckos that crawl around our door frames. She is quite a little scholar.

For the past month or so, I’ve been planning her birthday party. I had some ideas but finally asked Number One what she had in mind. I don’t know why I was surprised when she answered, “I want a reptile party”. I should have just known. Since that went a completely different direction that what I had been pinning on pinterest, I was going to have to start from scratch with this request. I asked Google, “what the hell is a reptile party” and I was greeted with pictures of snake cakes and cheap snake toys. Then I saw a link for a company close by titled “Crocodile Encounters”. After further research and a few email exchanges with the owner, I booked her party. Sunday afternoon, a truck arrived at my home and they unloaded 4 huge black boxes into my living room. The kids were all seated and the two presenters brought out, one by one, different species of reptiles. After giving a quick lesson and a few fun facts, the kids were all allowed to touch each animal (except for one African Snapping Turtle that was hell bent on getting a finger or two for his troubles). My daughter, at one point, had three snakes draped over her neck and then held an alligator and a crocodile. The kids were all captivated. I have to say, they had the undivided attention of the adults as well.

After the party, the owner, Chris, told me how impressed he was with Number One’s attitude about seeing and handling all the animals. She didn’t bat an eyelash. She didn’t flinch. While some of the other children and adults recoiled from the animals, refusing to touch them or get near them, she relished every second of their presence here.

Here are just a few pics:

A kiss for the birthday girl!

3 snakes!! I thought my mother was going to die!