Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Children’s Programming Sucks! Chapter One

Who comes up with this shit? I am convinced that whoever conceives these ideas is either A) on drugs B) psychologically and intellectually stunted or C) an soulless piece of shit who intends to drive a large portion of the population into insanity.

Let us begin with what has become visual crack for my youngest: Callou. I would rather him watch “Faces of Death” than this whine fest. First of all, Caillou whines more in one 25 minute episode than all three of my children have in ten years, combined. The sound of this character makes me want to punch myself in the face. Second of all, why the fuck is he bald? He is four fucking years old. Does he have alopecia or cancer? Then there is his even more annoying sister, Rosie. This little bitch talks in the third person and no one, not one person, corrects her. I don’t care how fucking young your kid is, if they start talking in third person, correct them so they don’t turn into some asshat that bestows a douchy nickname upon themselves, like “the Situation” but I digress. Then there is the entire concept. Caillou is a whiny ass little brat, with a whiny little sister who refers to herself in the third person and they have a bunch of super annoying friends who all suck too. The best thing I can say for Caillou is that, at least, his parents are around.

Which brings me to Dora. Where the fuck are Dora’s parents? How many times does this kid have to get lost before someone calls the proper authorities and reports her parents for neglect? Are they sleeping off the crack? When your kid comes home day after day and is telling you how she got lost and some weasel was after her trying to steal her shit, maybe you should pay the fuck attention. When your kid is telling you day after day about her talking animal friends, maybe you should have her drug tested or take her to a psychiatrist. Also, if your kid is standing next to the fucking forest and asks, “where is the forest?”, get her some corrective fucking eyewear.

Yo Gabba Gabba is the creation of some serious mind altering drugs. I am pretty sure it all makes sense for children taking acid.

This list is the tip of the iceberg, for me. Let me know what shows drive you insane.

Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Raising Girls vs Raising Boys

Some people refuse to acknowledge a distinction between raising boys and raising girls.  I want to point my finger at them and yell “BAD PARENTS” but sometimes I hesitate, thinking maybe they are just stupid.  I decided to put this all down in print, so there is no longer an excuse.  Take my advice and be a good parent, destined to meet every good parent’s goal of bringing up girls who are sure to grow into popular young women that know how to attract a good husband and boys who will undoubtedly develop into alpha males who get laid.  Keep your eye on the prize, parents!  It’s for the kids!

This process must start at birth.  Boys, from birth to adult hood, need their egos stroked.  When people come visit you and your newborn son or call to check on you, never miss an opportunity to tell friends and family or strangers in the checkout line that your infant son is packing an impressive hog and/or huge set of balls inside his diaper.  FYI, ladies–this ego stroke is two-fold since, for whatever reason, your boyfriend/husband will view you bragging about your newborn son’s junk in the exact same way he would you telling anyone that will listen that he has a huge dick. 

For girls, dress them in pink at all times, since it can be hard to tell the difference between infant boys and girls.  That doesn’t always do the trick, though.  Some people are really stupid and you can have your baby girl decked out in pink taffeta, covered in ruffles and bows and you are bound to run into one person that is going to approach and say “Awwww!  How old is he?”  Everyone knows that an infant girl, if mistaken for an infant boy, will be scarred for life.  It is imperative that you take any and every precaution to avoid a horrific, humiliating and traumatizing incident in which a stranger at the mall refers to your precious little girl as a “he”.  Of course doctors get a little weird when you inquire about plastic surgery to avoid such humiliation but you no one can tell you that you can’t poke holes in her ears, get a wig or even use some makeup to tell the world “I’M A GIRL, ASSHOLES!”  For some guidance, check out Toddlers and Tiaras.  Those parents know how to raise ladies!

As they get older, you need to put a lot of thought into appropriate recreational toys and activities.  Boys should be given trucks, cars and footballs.  It is okay if they play with stuffed animals but NEVER let them play with dolls.  What would people think?  You want him to grow up and think it is okay to hold a baby?  Boys should be encouraged to fight and wrestle as much as possible.  You wouldn’t want him, in later years, to be unprepared for how to handle some asshole trying to hit on his bitch at the local bar, do you?  What if he is at the gym and some guy looks at him, you know, “that way”?  You don’t want him just going on with his life!  No!  You want him to kick that mother fucker’s ass!  If he doesn’t, it is probably because you let him touch a purse as a child and now he is a friend of Dorothy’s. 

For girls, you want to get them baby dolls, kitchen toys and dress up gear.  Don’t let her climb trees or play in dirt, unless you are prepared to just give her a mullet cut now and can’t wait for the day that she brings home her life partner.  I would also suggest that you find your daughter(s) something that can be used as a dancing pole.  While you don’t want your daughter to be a stripper, you do want her to learn how to work the pole for her future days at the club.  You want her to be able to attract the attention of the guys, right?  Make sure she knows, real ladies don’t take their tops off for dollar bills, they take them off for plastic beads. 
Also, if you start noticing her eating too much in general or eating too much junk food or starting to gain weight, make sure to point it out.  Grabbing a fistful of her love handles will speak volumes.  You could also start making pig noises when you see her go into the kitchen.  Offer her some laxatives for dessert.  I would also suggest putting a scale in front of the refrigerator.  Remind her that most boys don’t like girls with fat asses.  Look, it will make it a lot easier for boys to objectify her if you teach her from an early age to objectify herself. 

You want to teach your daughters that only dirty whores have sex before marriage.  You want her to know that it is okay, even desirable, to look and act like a dirty whore but not be one.  Boys can respect a dick teaser, not a dick pleaser.   Her hymen is, in essence, the air tight seal that contains her value.  If that seal is broken, she is damaged goods.  For a visual, chew up a piece of gum and, after you are done with it, ask your daughter(s) if she would like your gum.  She will say, “no!  I don’t want it after you had it!”  Then you say, “and that is what the boys will say about you!”  You can tell people that you have taught your daughter to respect herself through these teachings. 

You want to teach your boys that their goal in life is to fuck as many girls as possible.  You want to teach them that girls are not “people”, per se, but things that are fun to stick their dicks into.  You want them to realize that girls that will fuck them before marriage are dirty whores but they should nail as many dirty whores as possible.  Let them know they will get cool points for referring to women as “bitches”, “hoes” and “sluts” and referring to himself as a “pimp”.  It is best to fool yourself into thinking that you can teach your son(s) this philosophy while, simultaneously, teaching them to respect women. 

Follow these guidelines and you are bound for success!  If your daughter ends up with an eating disorder and in an abusive marriage, give yourself a gold star.  Hey!  She is married, right!  If your son ends up with illegitimate children all over the city, pat yourself on the back!  Shows he was getting laid and, let’s face it, condoms are for wusses!!

Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Vagina Owner’s Manual (excerpt)

This weekend I went to the hospital, due to a little scare, to be monitored.  Fortunately, everything seems fine and the little stowaway seems content to stay put a little longer.  As a precaution, however, I was sent home on bed rest.

This isn’t my first round of bed rest orders in this lifetime.  What never ceases to confuse me are the instructions that accompany bed rest orders.  For starters, I tried telling my children that the doctor said I have to take it easy, get lots of rest and that I am not supposed to be lifting.  I might as well tell them I feel hungry.  They filed it right under “not our fucking problem”.  Number Three, especially, doesn’t give one ounce of fuck about these instructions.  Whatever.  Anyways, the instructions are always given something like this:  “Okay, we are sending you home on bed rest.  That means that you need to get lots of pelvic rest.  Relax.  No strenuous exercise.  Don’t over exert yourself.  Limit yourself to getting up only to go to the bathroom.  No lifting.  No intercourse, no orgasms and DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA. ”  Then after the doctor lists all that out and you acknowledge that you understand the instructions, the nurse comes in with the discharge paperwork.  She paraphrases these instructions again, “Okay, so the doctor explained you’re on bed rest.  Just take it easy.  No exercise, no intercourse and don’t put ANYTHING in your vagina.”.  Then she gives you the paperwork and as you are signing, she reiterates “no intercourse and don’t put anything in your vagina.”.  When I get home, my doctor’s regular nurse calls to check on me and she asks “are you getting rest?”.

“As much as I can with three children.”, I laugh.

“Okay.”, she says, “Just remember, nothing in your vagina!”.

I have been on bed rest with all three previous pregnancies in three different hospitals and the instructions were consistent from one to the other.  Which leads me to my question: What the fuck are these doctors and nurses witnessing while working in the labor and delivery unit?  The “no sex” instruction obviously covers sticking a penis in there.  Am I wrong to assume that the moratorium on having an actual penis more than implies that you shouldn’t be sticking a fake penis up there?  Am I giving people too much credit?  What else are pregnant women going home and cramming in their vaginas that this must be drilled into our heads?  There is already a human being crammed up there, leaving most pregnant women less than thrilled at the idea of even allowing a penis to take up any more space.  For the life of me, I can’t figure out why pregnant women must be told over and over again to stop shoving shit into their vaginas.  It isn’t a storage space, ladies!!

Don’t get me wrong, people!  Normally, I like shoving random things into the ol’ penis penitentiary as much as the next girl.  Going out with friends on a Friday night is a lot more fun with a little glitter in my manhole.  Sometimes, carrying a purse is just a pain.  What better place to store the essentials, like my ID, lip gloss and digital camera, than in my vagina?  Now that I am pregnant, though, I just have to make sacrifices! You risk losing your favorite lip gloss or even a credit card if junior begins a round of his favorite game: kick mommy in the birth cannon.  Besides, pregnancy and childbirth are borderline abusive to the vagina.  Be kind to your vagina during this time!  In no time at all, after you have ejected your occupant, you can get back to stuffing household objects and/or office supplies into your vagina!  Whatever floats your boat.

Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

The Perfect Playlists for Pregnancy and Birth

I am 26 weeks pregnant and have been slowly working on compiling a playlist to listen to as the doctor’s extract Number Four from my abdomen.  Childbirth, whether you are going the vaginal route or cesarean, needs a soundtrack!  Here are my suggestions for a delivery room/cesarean playlist:


  • Push It–Salt N’ Pepa
  • I’m Coming Out–Diana Ross
  • Everybody Hurts–REM
  • The First Cut is the Deepest–Sheryl Crow
  • Hurts So Good–John Cougar Mellencamp
  • I Wanna Be Sedated–The Ramones
  • Ring of Fire–Johnny Cash
  • Pussy Control–Prince
  • Wide Open Spaces–Dixie Chicks
  • Open Your Legs–The Tiger Lillies
  • Get Out–JoJo

Let me know what you would add to this!



Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

The Numbers Game

Boy notices girl.  Girl notices boy.  They lock eyes from across the crowded bar.  The world stands still.  It is, without a doubt, lust at first sight.  He knew the second he laid eyes on her that he wants to spend the rest of his night with her.  One night turns into a week and the next thing they both know, they are considering becoming facebook official!  It is in this “do we or don’t we” conversation that the dreaded question arises: “how many other people have you screwed?”. 

What I always find the most strange about this particular conversation between couples is the timing.  To me, the answer to this question is completely irrelevant anyways but to have this conversation, as most couples do, after the two of you have been humping like rabbits for a month makes it completely pointless.  We all know how this is going to go, too.  A man can say any number from 5-55 and most women will just accept the answer.  Sure, we might wonder how many of them were prettier than we were or quietly worry that he is thinking about one of them when he is with us but most of that all happens in our head.  This is only made worse if you personally know or even know the names of any of his past partners.  When you can put a name and/or face with any of those numbers, you will obsess over those the most.  Then one day, in a month or even a few years, he will ask  you something simple like, “is there any of that chicken leftover from last night?”, and you will flip the fuck out and yell, “I don’t know!  Why don’t you go ask that fucking whore, Lisa, if she has any chicken!!”.  For men, they will hear her number and if it is more than 4-5, he is going to emotionally recoil.  The fact of the matter is, he doesn’t really think you are a whore, he just now feels inadequate and insecure and worries that one of those other guys was better than him and/or one or all of them had a bigger dick than him.  Rather than throw any of these names in her face, as she would to him, the day he blows, he will just call her a dirty slut. 

Ladies, here are some tips to deal with this conversation, should it rear its ugly head:

  • Ask him to answer first.  Immediately after the number is revealed, start crying.  Tell him that you know they were all prettier and thinner than you.  Stand up and start pinching skin out at your love handles and stomach and, between sobs, demand that he admit that he is repulsed by you and the sight of you naked makes him physically ill.  Escape the conversation by telling him that you have to go run 10 miles and do 100 sit-ups.
  • Tell him you were a virgin before him.  If you are one of the rare couples that has this conversation before doing squat jumps on the cucumber, the virgin story will be a breeze.  Depending on your level of commitment, you could have fucked his best friend two weeks before and still pull this off.  You can go low commitment and just act shy and inexperienced or you can go all the way and have hymen replacement surgery.  (Do NOT attempt this method if you have children.)
  • Over share.  Outline the list of all your previous lovers fondly and  in great detail.  Give names and physical descriptions.  Use your hands/fingers to provide a visual reference to the length and girth of their members.  Provide detailed descriptions, even demonstrations, of any special moves or techniques that made them stand apart.  Next time the two of you are bumping bellies, say things like, “John didn’t ever finish before me.”.
  • Ask for a calculator.  Just start punching numbers in, stopping periodically to count on your fingers.  Then say, “Dammit!  I have to start over.”.  Repeat.  Never give an answer.
  • Ask, “you just want to know about PEOPLE, right?”.

Look, if you want to “play it safe”, asking such a question after the two of you have been smashing pissers for weeks or months is pointless.  I think it is a pointless conversation at any stage, really.  If you want to be proactive and your concern is sexual health, get tested before you start rolling in the sheets with one another.  If you start this conversation so far after the fact, I can only assume you are insecure, looking for an out or planning on getting on some moral high horse.  Grow the fuck up.  My husband and I have never had this conversation and never will.  It serves no purpose and, not to mention, who he fucked before he and I started dating has no bearing on our relationship.  It only matters to me if my husband has sex with someone else during our relationship/marriage.  If that happens, we wouldn’t be having a conversation, though.  Dead people suck at conversations.

Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

The “F” Word

You know the one I am talking about.  That’s right, the dreaded “F” word–FEMINISM. I hear in conversation and see, via Facebook, blogs, etc, women distancing themselves from the feminist label.  Looking at the dictionary definition of feminism:

Feminism-the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.

Can someone please tell me why people, especially women, would denounce this ideology?  How did the word “feminism” become so offensive?  I hear or read, too many times, women prefacing sentences with the disclaimer, “I am not a feminist or anything BUT…”.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Are these women aware that, even today, women get paid $.70 on the dollar that men make for doing the same job?  Are these women aware that, statistically, 1 in 4 women are raped?  Are these women so willing to just accept, even defend, this status quo or is it just that they have subscribed to a polluted version of feminism?

Being a feminist doesn’t mean that you have to burn your bra, shave your head and wear Birkenstocks.  You don’t have to hate men and vow to become a vagina-tarian.  We feminists are even okay with you shaving your body hair and washing and styling the hair on your head, if you so desire.  You are allowed to love shoes, jewelry and even penis!  Radicals exist in every subset of society.  Lumping all feminists in with a handful militant man haters is like assuming all white men are members of the KKK.

One of my favorite quotes, regarding feminism is:  I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is:  I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute.  ~Rebecca West, “Mr Chesterton in Hysterics: A Study in Prejudice,” The Clarion, 14 Nov 1913, reprinted in The Young Rebecca, 1982

You are a feminist if:

  • You agree that salaries shouldn’t be contingent on whether or not you are sporting an innie or an outie in your pants.
  • You are able to accept acts of courtesy and chivalry without confusing such gestures with condescension.  In other words, you can acknowledge that opening the door for someone or having the door opened for you is an act of courtesy but having the gesture followed by the statement, “I just had to get a good look at that ass.” is absolutely not.
  • If you don’t consider the pursuit of or demonstration of knowledge/intelligence to be a female flaw.
  • You do or will hold your daughter(s) to the same  standards as your son(s), academically and otherwise.  Your expectations for your children and their futures are not determined by their genitals.
  • You acknowledge that women have the right and ability to manage a family and career but support their right to forgo either.

You are not a feminist if:

  • You think that women’s career choices should be limited to making men sandwiches, cleaning up the kitchen, having babies or making babies.
  • You teach your daughter that college is only a place to find a husband.
  • You think “check out the cans on that bitch” is a compliment and you hope your daughter(s) get to feel the joy of having those words said about/to them, at least once, in their lifetimes.
  • You believe that copping a quick feel is a perfectly acceptable way for a man to convey his interest to a woman.  Your daughter, as well, will understand that getting groped by random men should not be met with indignation but flattery.  She should base her value on how many men want to sleep with her.
  • You don’t feel women should demonstrate intelligent or independent thought or hold an opinion that dissents from the majority.  As a result, you will teach your daughter(s) to act stupid, especially in front of men.  Rather than draw attention to their brains, they should draw attention to their boobs.
  • You think the best universal answer for a woman to give, when asked any question, is a high-pitched giggle and an “I don’t know.  I don’t get it.  I like pink.”.


Personally, I consider myself a feminist and I can only hope that my daughter AND my sons will wear the “feminist” label proudly.

Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

How to Name Your Baby

Picking a name is often hotly debated between expectant couples.  Hell, even when you and your significant find other find and agree upon a name you both love, your friends and family are sure to put in their two cents.  There is no better feeling than telling  your friend, “we have decided to name him/her (insert name)” and your friend looks at you like she just smelled a fart and proceeds to tell you why and how much she hates the name.   A word of advice to those with pregnant friends and/or family members:  If you didn’t put the baby in me, you don’t get a vote.

At the end of the day, we all want our children to have a name that is meaningful.  A name can make or break a kid, so choose wisely.  You want your kid to be cool, don’t you?  You need to pick a name that says, “I am kickass!”.  You don’t want your baby to have a name that millions of other people have.  You don’t want him/her to have a name that 20 other kids in their classroom will have.  You want them to stand out.  You want them to be an individual.  You have to keep all that in mind when you choose a name.  Let me give you some tips on choosing a name that will make sure your kid is not just another name in the crowd.

  • Look under the kitchen sink- You will find a wealth of inspiration right in your cabinets.  If you are having a girl, you might like the sound of  “Lysol” or, for a boy, “Ajax”.
  • Look in your pantry or refrigerator- Consider Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter, “Apple”, and follow suit.  Your little bundle of joy could be called “Bread” or “Cabbage” .
  • You could take a traditional name and just add a some random, silent, letters or numbers.  If you really want your child to stand out, throw in some silent words!  Instead of Jessica, your daughter could be Jhesc7ihk8a.  Instead of Micheal, your son could be Mhyk-theXisSilent-eahel.  They would be one of a kind!
  • Check out a medical dictionary.  Diarrhea, Chlamydia and Gonorrhea are  unique and feminine names.   Sphincter and Perineum sound like  strong boy’s names.

The possibilities are endless!

Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

I’m PREGNANT! Haha, Just Kidding. Now You Are More Aware of Breast Cancer.

I finally realized that there was something going on right about the time that the third person on my friends list was seemingly announcing a pregnancy via facebook in a 24 hour period.  “I’m 13 weeks and craving skittles”, “I’m 9 weeks and craving ice cream” and within a couple of days, every other post on my newsfeed followed suit.  Then, I got a message in my inbox.  It was the same bullshit that has prefaced these past “viral” statuses, a claim that the “secret game” was to bring about Breast Cancer Awareness.

First of all, if the purpose of the status is a big secret, how the fuck is it going to bring about awareness?  When I read my friend post “I like it on the kitchen counter”, I didn’t think to myself “Oh shit!  I need to go examine my breasts for lumps!”.  No, instead, my first thought was, “damn!  A bit of overshare.”.  When I read “6.5 inches *sad face*”, it didn’t inspire me to take a moment and consider how many of my friends and family have been impacted by breast cancer.  The only thing I thought was, “is this breakup revenge humiliation?”.    So, with that in mind, when reading “I am 11 weeks and craving chocolate”, why would people think anything other than you are announcing that you are full of fetus?  Why would these same people that congratulated you,  upon the realization that it was a joke, be reminded of all of the people, men and women, that have fought the battle with breast cancer, the survivors and the deceased?

Personally, the latest “facebook awareness campaign” made me very uncomfortable.  I have more than one friend who struggles with infertility and I have several friends that have suffered multiple and/or very recent pregnancy losses.  I cringed at the thought of them reading those statuses and congratulating their friend, only to discover that it was a joke.  Furthermore, I have loved ones who have been touched by breast cancer and some that have lost their own loved ones to breast cancer.  I can’t imagine that these statuses that exploit that battle in an effort to popularize the “game” enjoy  having their experiences and losses  marginalized for the amusement of others.

Posting a fruit, posting where you put your purse and fooling people into believe you are pregnant does nothing for breast cancer awareness or research.  If you want to bring about awareness, share a story of how you have been affected by breast cancer, whether directly or indirectly.  If you want to donate, make a contribution directly to breast cancer research.

Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Take Your Advice and Shove it

Everyone, and I mean everyone, has advice to offer when they lay eyes on a pregnant woman.  It doesn’t matter if they know her or not, they feel that they have some bit of wisdom to offer and offer it they will.  Sure, sure, it is all well-meaning but, seriously–shut the fuck up.  There is some advice that is worthwhile and there is some advice that you can cram in your cram hole because it is either total bullshit, it is near impossible or you just won’t do it.  Let me break it down for you:

*Disclaimer–any advice I offer to my pregnant friends is flawless and should be followed to a “t”.*

  • Bake a shit load of food and freeze it to make meal preparation easier– OF COURSE!!  I would hate to think of anyone missing out on a fresh home cooked meal just because I am lazing about, recovering from giving birth!  No worries, though, I slaved over a grocery cart and managed to freeze up some Eggos and pot pies.  I also froze some take out menus.  Bon Apetit!  I can also point you in the direction of some cereal, if you get desperate.
  • Sleep when the baby sleeps– Sure, okay.  If someone will just let my other three children know that this is a new rule, that would be great.  I am fairly certain that the authorities would frown on me leaving my 10-year-old in charge of a 2-year-old and 5-year-old while I sawed logs.  Even first time mothers will typically disregard this advice.  When the baby sleeps that is the only time you have any “you time”.  If you want to sleep, sleep.  I suggest grabbing the phone and a bottle of wine and catching up on what gossip Judy has on that fat bitch, Amy, who told people that you would never get your old ass back and got you a baby shower gift that wasn’t on your registry.
  • Eat healthy– Yes, you should make healthy choices but, realistically, you are lucky to get time to shower, much less make a healthy meal.  My go to diet with my youngest two was tapping a keg of coffee and doing “drive-by” bites from the plates of my kids and my husband.
  • Sanitize everything!- Little known fact: you can do more harm than good by trying to protect your children from coming into contact with germs and pathogens.  The human body is an amazing thing.  Let the immune system do its job.  Do NOT disregard this advice to a flaw and let your child lick the tile in the pediatrician’s office.
  • Don’t worry about losing the baby weight!-Sure, because I am sleep deprived, malnourished, stressed and hyper-emotional–a fat ass and a few extra chins shouldn’t even ping my radar.  When I am crying about my recently acquired wing span flapping under my arms or the new herd of stretch marks running across my stomach, do NOT say “that just shows you are a mother.” or “Well, you just had a baby!”, or anything similar.  I fucking know I had a baby, jackass.  I am pretty sure that I was there when it came screaming out of my body.  A little vanity, by the way, does not translate to any resentment of my child.  I can love him and want to fit in my old clothes at the same time.

    How sexy am I now?
  • Don’t hold your baby too much, you’ll spoil him/her.- Please punch this person in the junk.  If your baby is crying, hold your baby.  If your baby is not crying and you just feel the urge to hold your baby, hold your baby.  You are not going to spoil an infant.  Your brand new baby is not manipulating you.  Anyone that thinks that the same being that doesn’t comprehend object permanence is capable of masterminding manipulation is an idiot and should never be sought for advice.  I have a sling and have “worn” my babies because it frees up my hands for things like coffee and facebook—I mean, cleaning.
  • Make sure you get them scheduled as soon as possible– “Your baby should eat every 3 hours”, “Your baby should sleep for, at least, XX hours.”, “He/she should sleep through the night by xx weeks/months old.”.  Even an infant is capable of experiencing hunger.  When your child is hungry, you will know.  Feed your baby.  When your baby is sleepy, you will know.  Put your baby to sleep.  (With newborns, feeding is usually the ritual that gets your child to sleep.).  Your child is ready to sleep through the night when he/she begins sleeping through the damn night.  There isn’t a magic number.  Some newborns will sleep through the night at two months, however, most will not.  Suck it up.  If you want to sleep through the night, I would not suggest having a baby.  I would also avoid getting a puppy.  When you are pregnant, stock up on coffee.  Register for coffee and a badass coffee maker.  What you need is coffee.  Lots of coffee.
  • Don’t let your child watch television-Bullshit.  As soon as the big magic box manages to grab your child’s attention with its hypnotic powers, take full advantage.  People will point to the “experts” and “long term effects” but, really, what is more important?  Getting 20 minutes of uninterupted quiet time to do things like shower, eat or down a glass of wine or your child having a perfect attention span in a few years?

If you need advice, come to me.  I am the only one who knows what I am talking about.