Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Motivational Speakers, Not Teachers, are True Educators

This week, a high school in Texas, Richardson High School, finally took the bull by the horns and decided to take a break from worthless bullshit like English and Math and focus on teaching a lesson with some actual value, courtesy of a man by the name of Justin Lookadoo. 1B_300x300Many may call him just a motivational speaker, but one look at his hair and you can just tell he is selling himself short, and once you hear his message to today’s youth, you know that he is so much more.  Justin Lookadoo has the answers to the problems that plague our society. If you’ve ever looked around and thought the world was going to hell in a handbasket and asked yourself, “why”, look no further. Justin here knows that if there is going to be any change in the world, you gotta start with the kids and that is where he has, smartly, chosen to focus his energy and his wisdom.  I’m so tired of everyone asking my kids about how they like school or their favorite subject. I don’t want my kids concerning themselves with trivial horseshit like grammar or scientific theory; intellectual pursuits are just pretentious. There I said it. When all is said and done and the shit really hits the fan, fuck intelligence. What really matters is their relationship potential. I want them to ask themselves Justin’s question, “Are you DATEABLE“. Thankfully for our kids, especially our daughters, Justin has outlined some basic rules in his books and WEBSITE, which explain how “dateable” girls and boys act and interact.

DATEABLE GIRLS RULES:

Accept your girly-ness. You’re a girl. Be proud of all that means. You are soft, you are gentle, you are a woman. Don’t try to be a guy. Guys like you because you are different from them. So let your girly-ness soar.

I’m just glad someone finally said it. I, for one, am sick and fucking tired of girls trying  to be guys by doing shit like wearing blue or pants or using hammers and screwdrivers, changing tires and excelling at math and science. When a girl doesn’t like pink or wants to talk about politics, rather than how she likes to wear her hair, I want to reach down and do a dick check. Start making a list of names for your future cats.

Girls don’t fight girls, ever. Revenge belongs to God. Dateable girls know that when they fight other girls they look stupid and catty, and guys don’t like it any more than God does.

It’s seems more and more that girls are less and less concerned about what everyone else thinks, and, especially, how guys are perceiving their behavior. It’s appalling. I have even heard parents telling their daughters the reasons to avoid fights is shit like, “there are better ways to solve a problem” or “it could lead to some pretty major, long-term, consequences like suspension or even jail” but, WHO THE FUCK CARES?!? If the possibility of fucking up their dateablility won’t keep them on the straight and narrow, you might as well let go of any hope for future grandchildren right now.

Be mysterious. Dateable girls know how to shut up. They don’t monopolize the conversation. They don’t tell everyone everything about themselves. They save some for later. They listen more than they gab.

I’d just like to know when girls started thinking that boys wanted them to participate in a conversation? Who started this rumor? It’s almost like girls these days view themselves as persons and think that an interested boy will find any intrinsic value in intelligence or personality, as if they believe they hold any personal value, much less have anything relevant she could possibly have to contribute within a conversation with one equipped with a penis. It’s just ree-fucking-diculous that this even has to be explained. You’ve got a vagina and a mouth. The boys are interested in one of your holes, but it won’t last long if you can’t keep the other hole closed, Chatty Cathy.

Let him lead. God made guys as leaders. Dateable girls get that and let him do guy things, get a door, open a ketchup bottle. They relax and let guys be guys. Which means they don’t ask him out!!!

God MADE guys leaders. Leadership is divinely built into them.  Women are not. We weren’t provided the characteristics of leadership. God wanted men to lead and women to follow. Which is why girls must learn to ALLOW guys to do all the important, leadery things. Dateable girls don’t try to do manly, leader things like opening doors or condiments. Oh, you can open your own ketchup? So, are you just a regular bitch or a lesbian bitch? Either way, you are undateable but if you are the latter, Justin has some summer camp suggestions for your parents to look into.
I admit, I ‘ve faltered on this one. I have a jar opener thingamajiggy doohickey mounted under one of my cabinets but I am uninstalling it immediately after this reminder. I’m riddled with guilt just thinking of all these years that I’ve inadvertently emasculated my husband one screw lid at a time. I only hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me.

Obviously, it goes without saying that only sluts and whores ask a guy out. First, it involves talking and second it is acting like a leader and if don’t have a hog in your pants, you can’t lead. Stand back and look like a quiet, weak girl who hates homosexuals and ketchup and loves Jesus and fornication.

Need him. Dateable girls know that guys need to be needed. A Dateable girl isn’t Miss Independent. She knows we are made for community. Needing each other is part of faith. She allows him to be needed at times, knowing he was called to serve just as much as she was.

I can only hope that my daughter is lucky enough to attract the attention of boys that are insecure, weak, and self-centered, requiring her to stifle her own personality,  silence her voice, allowing herself to be subjugated to appease and coddle his fragile ego.

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DATEABLE GUY RULES:

Being a guy is good. Dateable guys know they aren’t as sensitive as girls and that’s okay. They know they are stronger, more dangerous, and more adventurous and that’s okay. Dateable guys are real men who aren’t afraid to be guys.

Dateable guys are manly men. They don’t do girly things like giving a fuck about shit, except danger and adventure or dangerous adventures. They’re only good at two things: fucking bitches and fucking shit up.

Control your mind. Dateable guys know that God demands self-control. They learn ways to control their minds so they can control their bodies.

In other words, don’t masturbate. Dateable guys don’t have vaginas, and that includes hand-ginas.

Don’t just want a win, want an adventure. Dateable guys know life is about danger. You might not win, but that’s not the point, doing it is. Dateable guys risk failure to live the adventure of life.

Dateable guys know that dateable girls love, love, love guys that are unpredictable, reckless, irresponsible, fly by the seat of the pants, kind of guys. Live on the edge. Jump out of planes, play Russian roulette and don’t balance your checkbook. Bitches will be lining up.

Men of God are wild, not domesticated. Dateable guys aren’t tamed. They don’t live by the rules of the opposite sex. They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed.

Real men don’t follow rules. As a matter of fact, any guy that even bothers to read his list of rules should turn off the Cher album and just go sign themselves up for straight camp because you just failed the REAL MAN test you didn’t even know you were taking.

Keep it covered up. Dateable guys know that porn is bad for the spirit and the mind. They keep women covered up.

If a girl won’t cover up, dateable guys call her a “slut” or “whore”, in hopes of shaming her into their standard of modesty. It’s important for girls to know that they are responsible for keeping guys’ thoughts and acts pure and to ensure that they do nothing that could cause a guy to give her a starring role in a mental porn scene.

If you want to find out about your own dateability, boys and girls, Justin has provided a quiz:  untitledSPOILER ALERT, LADIES: If you answer “yes” to any of your questions, you can start your cat collection now. ansNow, for those of you looking at the guys’ quiz, you might think those last few questions would be correctly answered by saying you HAVE both agreed to physical limits and that he DOESN’T push the physical boundaries and absolve himself of responsibility or self-control, and disagreed with the “if she loved me, she will” ideology, but you’d be wrong. The only people who wouldn’t get that are whiny, weak, ketchup craving lady babies. Guys have dicks, man. That is what makes guys better. We girls are made to be like an otterbox for a dick. A cock cozy, essentially. Dudes are always down to fuck. They want to—nay, NEED to dip their wicks. Luckily, girls don’t have any sexual urges or desires, so it is up to us to try to keep ourselves and boys virtuous, both in thought and action, but also remain dateable by letting them do stuff like rub your boobs or, if you really love him or he is super popular or really hot, at least finger bang you. Guys won’t go to hell for fornicating, only masturbating, so they can get in where they fit in and be fine.

Girls need guys and guys want girls, but not for conversation or companionship. Mostly for a place to stick their dicks.  It just is what it is, so accept it. Be girly and stop trying to be guys by opening shit. You stand at the door and wait for a man to come open it. You eat your goddamn burger dry or wait for a fucking guy to come open that bottle. Put on some lip gloss and shut your fucking mouth. Your interests, your opinions, even any life threatening allergy is of no interest to real men.  At least none that you should be willing to date. When you can make a helicopter with your lady clam, maybe then you’ll understand the special level of wisdom and strength exclusive to guys.

Guys, be strong and tell her whose boss. Girls love it when you tell them to “shut the fuck up” or cancel plans at the last-minute or hit on other girls when you are out with them. It shows you are a dangerous, desirable man and drives girls wild. If a girl won’t put out, tell her that if she loves you, she would and make her realize how lucky she is to have you by cheating on her, so she knows that if she won’t give it up, you’ll find a girl who will. And, of course, first and foremost, treat girls with respect. sexist

RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU ARE CONTACTING YOUR PTA TO DEMAND THEY BRING JUSTIN TO MOTIVATE YOUR KIDS!

Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Reaching For My Dream

I’ve decided that my true calling in life is to be some kind of life coach; a guru, if you will. I didn’t come to this conclusion overnight, though. I have spent a lifetime studying this craft, without even realizing it, devouring knowledge as I poured through the pages of important and informative literature, like Cosmopolitan, and Seventeen. I’ve always felt I had a higher purpose, to help people and truly make a difference in the lives of others, and it finally hit me that this was the path I was being shown to fulfill that purpose. At this point, I feel that my point of view and life experience gives me an insight to advise the general public on the personal issues that plague them in a manner far superior than anyone currently taking up space in this profession. I know that you can’t just take me at my word, so I’ve decided that this will be my “audition piece”, if you’d be so kind to indulge me.

I’ve taken questions from other columns and will answer them correctly. I’m going to change lives.

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ADVICE COLUMN SUBMISSION:

I’ve been engaged for two years and can’t figure out whether I should marry this guy. When we moved in together six months ago, he called the police when he feared my cat—who is fully declawed—was going to attack him. Recently, I came home from work to find he had thrown my computer into a Dumpster. “It crashed” was his excuse. He’s also impossible to get along with and has lied about his age, his previous marriages (two, not one), and the paternity of his only son.

His good qualities: He pays the rent and is adventurous, polite, and good in bed. I have an insane attraction to him, but why do I have so many doubts? I wonder if there is a man alive who wouldn’t piss me off on a regular basis.

I’m sure a lot of people will tell you that a guy who tries to file attempted assault charges against cats is overly dramatic, at best, or, at worst, possibly delusional, bordering on bat shit crazy. You say the cat is declawed, but unless you say that the cat is de-toothed, a threat existed. I hope that your cat was arrested and prosecuted because I, for one, am sick and tired of cats getting away with shit like that.

Next, you returned home from work to find he had thrown away your computer after it “crashed”. I’m sure some people would right away see this explanation as an obvious attempt to blow smoke up your ass, probably implying or outright suggesting that he had probably sold it for drugs or a piece of ass. I just need to know the specifics of the “crash”. For me, if the internet goes down for any reason, I throw my computer in the trash. I threw away a brand new computer once because, while in the middle of a really funny YouTube video, the computer suddenly just died. Just like that. I, of course, smashed it to a melody of curse words, some real, some made up in the heat of the moment, and then threw it directly into my neighbor’s trash can (it was trash day and ours’ was still all the way at the end of the driveway). Of course, I realized shortly after that my toddler had unplugged it from the wall but how was I supposed to know that? I’m not in the I.T. business and I’ll bet your fiance isn’t either. Think about that.

So he told a few little lies. Big deal. People are so hung up on honesty. Did he have a good reason to lie? That is what matters. Why is his age even any of your business? What are you a fucking cop or something? As far as the previous marriages: Were either or both of his ex-wives more attractive than you? It’s possible he was just trying to protect you because you are obviously crippled with insecurity and jealousy issues. Maybe you’re impossible to get along with. Maybe you have a tendency to be a bitch about these issues and don’t realize it. Some food for thought.

You answered your own question at the end there, toots. You have this man who pays rent, probably says “thank you” after spunking on your face, and gives you a good dickin and you have the audacity to reconsider marrying him because of petty shit like lying about being married and having children? To answer your final thought: Probably not. You sound suspicious and high maintenance.

What do you do if you accidentally, in the throes of passion, tell a guy you love him too soon when you totally don’t? Pretend it didn’t happen? Hahahahah.

That isn’t going to work. The obvious solution is to escalate your usage of the phrase. Say it to him, in passing, for mundane acts, like switching laundry and really heap it on every time you have sex and when you have the smallest sip of alcohol. When in his presence, you need to make it a point to say it to everyone you come across. When the barista hands you your latte, instead of “thank you”, say “I love you”. When UPS delivers the package of condoms you ordered from Amazon, because you’re too embarrassed to go buy them in person, say “I love you” as you close the door. When one of his friends or coworkers tells a joke, good or bad, laugh maniacally, as you repeat the phrase 2-3 times. Before long, it’ll be like it never happened.
I’m pretty sure my boyfriend is still in touch with his ex-girlfriend — the one who got away/the crazy bitch who broke his heart. He left his Gmail open one day and I saw her name in his inbox. I am dying to know what she wants. How terrible would it be if I hacked into his email to get the scoop? I mean, just once?

Are you new? If you want to have a successful relationship built on trust and mutual respect, you should be hacking into his email, checking his texts and call records, and monitoring his Facebook on a regular basis. You could even get a friend that he’s never met to hit on him, maybe at a bar or club when you aren’t with him, and report back to you if they make out or have sex. Now, if you catch him snooping in your shit, drop him like a bad habit. You don’t want to waste your time on a guy that would act so jealous and possessive.

I’ve been dating two men for the past year – with their knowledge. Neither wants a full-time relationship (all three of us divorced recently, so are still bruised). I know I should feel lucky with two lovers, but I’m starting to feel torn about having sex with one man, then another, with nothing deeper developing. What should I do?

Threesome. Boom. They will see each other in action, sparking the competitive hormone that men secrete when they see other men lifting weights or showing the slightest interest in a woman that they’re currently involved with or that they’ve ever remotely rejected, and they will think they must win you from their opponent.  Make sure when you spend one on one time with your lover that you make subtle references about the other to maintain this spirit of competition, such as “I’m a little tired today, it’s just that I had the biggest orgasm of my entire life yesterday with Bob”.  Guys love when girls play games and shit. It turns them on and they will want to marry you.
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ADVICE ARTICLE SUBMISSION:
Tips to Drive Your Man Wild:
  • Constantly criticize yourself with  consistent mentions of your weight. Refer to yourself as “obese” and ask him to rate parts of your body (arms, stomach, ass, legs) in order from least fat to most fat. Guys like insecurity and it makes them feel important when they can reassure and coddle you.
  • If you feel him pulling away, tell him you’re pregnant. This will make him feel guilty and he will be excited and once he pictures the two of you spending your lives together, he’ll know he was thisclose to a mistake and it won’t matter when he finds out your womb is completely bare.
  • When you’re having sex, push him on his back and straddle him, but sit “Indian style”, and move back and forth, then start crying and accuse him of staring at your stomach fat moving. Men find this endearing.
  • When you go out together, play a fun game like “Is She Prettier Than Me”.
  • Accuse him of cheating on you, without any cause, in front of friends and/or family.
  • Compare him to past lovers. Tell him how his dick ranks in comparison to exes. Speak of them in a tone of fond, nostalgic, remembrance. It lets him know that you are mature and aren’t holding on to any resentment from past relationships.
  • When you give him a blowjob, pretend his shaft is a piece of corn on the cob and pretend to eat it “antique typewriter” style.
  • Hide a vibrator wand under your pillow and the next time he is on top of you, surprise him by discreetly pulling it out and inserting it into his ass. You’ve gotta be quick, though.
  • Talk about your bowel movements in detail. Ask him to come look at them or show him pictures. Men like this because it lets them know that you are comfortable in the relationship.
  • Nag him.
  • Check his texts and Facebook. Accuse him of fucking every girl in his contacts and friends list. jealous-girlfriend

I’m going to clear out my voicemail because I know that my phone is going to be blowing up with job offers.

WHO NEEDS SOME ADVICE?