Rules for Landing and Keeping a Man-FINALLY!

I saw THIS LIST and, thought, “FINALLY”! Rules! It’s been so hard to know the rules of being a lady and worrying if I’m doing a good enough job to keep my man. This is a relief that a man has finally taken the time to mansplain this for us women. When I read it, though, it was hard to understand, so I asked my husband to come explain the hard parts and big words for me and I’m bringing you the Cliff’s Notes.

Also, I know the by-line says “John Smith”, but am I the only one that thinks that Romeo, aka “Sleepless in Austin” has resurfaced? I can hardly contain my excitement!

So, there are 13 rules:

1. DON’T BE A FATTY

Ask yourself: When you get naked, does blood flow rush to or retreat from his penis? If you argue the validity of the BMI scale, you’ve probably got an ass made of excuses and cellulite. Don’t get me wrong, we men don’t want a bag of bones! We want you to have fat tits! I’d go for a couple of hours of cardio but don’t do many chest presses because boobs. As far as diet goes, don’t starve yourself but just don’t enjoy anything you eat. Your man can describe the taste of food for you.

2. BE YOURSELF

Men don’t want you to change your hair color. We also prefer women without tattoos, only exceptions are dainty tattoos that can be hidden. Also, no piercings, unless it is something sexy like the belly button or tongue, one which will help our dicks pop from our pants when you are naked and the latter with which will help you get it back to normal.

3. BYOM-BRING YOUR OWN MONEY

We men understand that women are different from men, and lack any natural inclination towards ambitions like success or financial independence. We just want you to do the bare minimum here, so that you don’t have to depend on us financially. If you aren’t holding up that end, we men will make sure that you know that you are a financial drain and how much money we make compared to you, with diagrams and such to demonstrate the inequity of your income and your contributions. With that said, we do have egos that you need to coddle, so, if you happen to be in a higher income bracket, we don’t need you making a big deal about it and rubbing it in our face. That is a real boner killer. Nobody likes a boner killer.

4. ACT LIKE A LADY

Men don’t want to fuck manginas. We like lady vaginas.

5. SUBMIT IT OR HE’LL QUIT IT

This is part of acting like a lady. I don’t know where the whole idea of women submitting to men got such a bad rap. It doesn’t mean you can’t have an opinion or a voice. It just means we don’t want to hear about your opinion. I mean, is it asking too much that you women bend over backwards and sacrifice a little bit of yourself and your dignity if it means you keep a man? This feminism bullshit has resulted in a lot of women thinking that men have any fucks to give about her needs or thoughts or opinions. What do you like to eat? What he likes to eat. What is your favorite type of music? Whatever type is his favorite. What do you want to watch on TV? Whatever he wants to watch on TV. Shut the fuck up, unless you are asking which clipper guard he wants you to use on his back before his 6pm blowie. A good man will sometimes even let you watch a show you like; at least until you’re done sucking him off, then we want the controller back.

6. LIKE SEX–BUT NOT TOO MUCH

Imagine you’re locked in a room with a group of people and you’re all starving. Someone in the group finds a peppermint in their pocket that they forgot about and says he’ll suck on it for a second and pass it on, as will the next person and so on. You love peppermints. They are your favorite, but you are pretty far down the line and by the time the peppermint gets to you, it is pretty used up and even dirty and all you wished is that you could have been second, because he got it when the flavor was perfect but before it was possibly ruined by everyone else’s hands and teeth and spit. See, you are like that peppermint, ladies. We men know that you women like to think that you have sexual agency, like men, but that is just something sluts say to rationalize slutting around. You want to be able to have indiscriminate sex, with multiple partners, and not be judged? Cry about that to the big man in the sky and pray you sprout a dick, princess. Dicks are keys, pussies are locks and what good is a lock that works with any key? Also, just because women are taught, practically from birth, that sex is their primary source of power and control, don’t you wield it just because I’m reiterating that lesson.

7. BE INTELLIGENT

Men want women that are smart. Not smarter than us, though. Which is impossible anyways, so I don’t even know why I said that. LOL

8. BE FREE OF FUCK TROPHIES

This is the unspoken-spoken rule. Men don’t want women that have live in cock blockers. That goes double if you have multiple children and, if you have bi-racial children, don’t even breathe my oxygen. To think, you can just walk around with proof that you were penetrated by someone with dark skin—I shudder just thinking about it. I don’t care if the child’s father beat you, abandoned you, was good to you, or suffered a violent death. Everyone knows that when a man ends a relationship with the mother of his children, it also means he no longer wants to be a father. Men know that single women with children are only out there looking for replacement daddies for their children and want to trick you into taking responsibility.

FUN FACT: I’m an idiot that probably frequent a lot of MRA sites, since I think that simply forming a relationship with a child is grounds for legal enforcement of parental responsibility. I won’t explain or I’m ignorant to the significant details and extenuating circumstances involved in cases in which such precedent was set but what’s important is that you know, like I know, that women are all evil and only want your baby batter and/or your money to support their vagina shredders.

9. FEED ME OR I’LL STARVE

I don’t know why women’s progress has made domestic excellence so insignificant. I want a woman who will cook for her man! f I wanted a microwave meal or takeout, I’d ask you to take care of that for me. Oh, like I can just feed myself? Yeah, okay. I’m a man, man!

10. PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Men understand that you like to look pretty and want everyone to tell you how pretty you are via “likes” on social media. Some may argue that seeking such validation on a regular basis would indicate that you aren’t receiving it enough from us, but that is ridiculous. It’s your job to boost your man’s confidence, not the other way around. If you put your phone down, you might notice that there is a hard, throbbing, knob right by your face, longing for your attention. When my friends and I go out, we stack all of our phones in the center of the table, so we can be with the friends that ARE there. I saw it on Pinterest. Now, we are engaged with each other, rather than our electronics and can get to the important stuff like getting fucked and sucked.

11. COOL IT, BOZO

I realize that some of this may sound demeaning, so I thought of something that sounds empowering and sensitive to women. You don’t need all that makeup, girl. Don’t support an industry that makes billions telling you that you aren’t good enough. Leave that to us men. You’re beautiful! It’s only unattractive when you wear too much makeup, or your bodies don’t look airbrushed, you have children, do black guys, don’t cook, or don’t want to have sex when your man wants to have sex. As long as all that and your vagina is copacetic, you’re perfect the way you are!

12. STOP FUCKING CURSING

Since I was a sailor, I know how sailor’s curse, and nobody likes a lady that cusses like one, even a lady sailor. If you want to be treated like a fucking lady, you better goddamn act like one, bitch. I don’t respect women at all, but I have no tolerance for vaginas with potty mouthed heads.

13. STOP THINKING THAT MEN SEE YOU AS ANYTHING MORE THAN A COCK HOLSTER

Men aren’t capable of a platonic relationship with women. At all. If a man forms a friendship with you, it is all a rouse to get into your pants. First of all, women are incapable of possessing or developing any traits, interests, skills or wisdom that would be of any interest to a man. He wants to pet your squish mitten. That’s all. I’ve had several relationships end because one of my girlfriend’s “guy friends” told her things like, “he doesn’t seem to respect you”, “if he cursed you out for cursing, that’s insane”, or “you’re a person and you should be treated with dignity”. These assholes filled these girls’ heads with this kind of bullshit, making them think they were worthy of more, and they left me. They think that they gave them this advice because they cared about them as a person, rather than their vaginas. It’s not about having trust issues. It’s about not wanting other people to provide any insight or encouragement to independent thought that might come between my relationship with your vagina.

 

I speak for all men. Any argument against any of these rules is void. If you have a man, in spite of straying from this formula, it’s because he is settling, even though, deep down, he is miserable.