Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

I know I have touched on this before but it bears repeating.  Sometimes I have to wonder if some people are just complete and total idiots or if they are just complete and total assholes.  The things people say, in general, often baffles me but the things people say to a pregnant woman are mind-boggling.  Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t limited to the general public or even friends and family; the things my husband says often make me want to kick him square in the coin purses.  Grab a pen a pad, class.  You need to take notes.

1. Are you having twins? – Gee, thanks!  I was under the mistaken impression that my weight gain wasn’t abnormal.  Now, thanks to you, I realize that my ass has grown at an alarming rate and that the only logical explanation that you can fathom is multiples.
2. Are you SURE you’re not having twins? Maybe they missed one! – Look, asshole, I told you that I had an ultrasound and there was only one heartbeat and only one fetus.  Thanks to you, I am fully aware that I am a certifiable heifer but it is NOT because there is a hidden twin in my uterus, it is because I ate an entire pan of brownies and washed it down with chocolate chip cookies stuffed with Oreos.  HAPPY NOW?!?!
3. You are getting HUGE! – Why is it okay to say this to a pregnant woman?  Would any of you non-pregnant people appreciate this being said to you?  Why do you think that just because I am pregnant that I should be okay with, much less flattered or excited by, having my weight thrown in my face every other day?
4. I HATE that name. – I really don’t give a fuck.  Have your own baby and name it whatever the fuck you want.  Also, don’t offer me a list of acceptable alternatives.  I don’t care if you hate the name I have chosen and, NO, I don’t want to pick Joseph instead because you love Joseph.  If you want to name your baby Tutu Fairydust, I could not give less of a fuck.
5. You’re not supposed to be drinking that Dr. Pepper- Kiss my ass.  I will drink whatever the fuck I want.  Whether I want to be reasonable and drink a Dr. Pepper every day or if I want to drink a 12 pack a day, it is none of your fucking business.  Cram it.
6. Haven’t you had that baby yet? – Asking this question should be grounds for justifiable homicide.  If I had the baby, would I still be pregnant, dumbass?  Do you think I gave birth and crammed the baby back into my vagina because being kicked, having back aches, not being able to breathe, not being able to sleep, having swollen feet and fingers, sweating bullets when it is 50 degrees and having everyone express surprise at how fat your ass is getting is so much fucking fun?
7. Four kids?!? That is going to be hard! – No shit, Sherlock.  Here I was thinking that the reason three was hard was because of the odd number.  My theory is that with three, one of them is the third wheel and THAT is the reason I have to do so much parenting.  Now that I am adding a fourth, the numbers will be even and they will pair off and take care of each other and I can get on with my life.
8. How are you feeling? – Like complete and total shit, that’s how I am feeling.  I am fat.  I am waddling.  My legs hurt.  My feet are swelling.  I have to pee every 34.7 seconds.  I can’t sleep.  I can barely breathe.  I am beyond exhausted.   My back hurts.  My feet hurt.  A tiny human is beating the hell out of me from the inside.  I AM MISERABLE.  Most likely, however, I am just going to tell you “I’m fine” because people expect you to blow sunshine and rainbows up their skirts and tell you about the magical wonders of pregnancy.
9. Don’t you just love being pregnant? – Brace yourself:  No.  Actually, I do not enjoy pregnancy at all.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the end result but I do not enjoy being pregnant.  I completely understand that there are countless women that have struggled with infertility and/or experienced losses (I have several friends that fall under those umbrellas) but I don’t see why that means that I have to learn to love being sick, being swollen, being sore, being fatigued, as well as the additional symptoms I have experienced as a result of having Lupus and Secondary Sjogren’s, like coughing up blood, severe anemia, preterm labor and all the medications that come with that, kidney infections, etc.  Suck it.

The following are things and expectant father should NEVER say to his pregnant wife/girlfriend:

1. Are you really going to eat another cookie/brownie/bowl of ice cream? – Why don’t you just call her a fat bitch and start mooing?  If you value your life, you will offer to get her that sixth brownie that she is eyeballing.
2. My back is killing me. – You really are barking up the wrong fucking tree.  You really don’t know the meaning of discomfort until you have experienced the third trimester of pregnancy.  You will be hard pressed getting any ounce of sympathy from me.  Your aching back can be fixed with a little pain pill.  My achy back requires that I eject a tiny human from my body and I don’t get to pick when that happens.
3. Why are you so tired? – You really want to pull at that thread?  I can tell you exactly why, in great detail, if you want to know.  Better yet, why don’t I wake you up every time I wake up to pee or because the baby kicked too hard or because I got a Charlie horse.  Let me know how well rested you feel.
4. You should get more sleep. – Well, that is a genius fucking idea!  Why didn’t I think of that?
5. Why are you being such a bitch? – Run.  Run for your life.  Best case scenario, she is going to launch into a verbal tirade, the likes of which you have never seen; giving new meaning to “bitch”.  Worst case scenario, you are going to die.
6. (Insert name) looks GREAT for having three kids! – OH NO YOU DIH-ENT!!  Shit like that will get you killed when I am not pregnant.
7. What did you make for dinner? – Well, I made myself a brownie hot fudge sundae.  You can have whatever you want.

Other useful tips:

Can’t Talk to a Psycho Like a Normal Human Being

Have you recently found yourself saddled with a knocked up wife, girlfriend, sister or friend?  Men:  If you put the baby in there, you have  no one to blame but yourself.  You didn’t talk her into the abortion.  Suck it up, buttercup.  You pulled the trigger, you finish the race.   Here are some tips and warning signs to help you get through these nine months alive.

You may ask yourself, “what the fuck is her problem?”.  Let me tell you a few of her problems:

• She has, most likely, been forced to disregard the slightest degree of germaphobia the moment her body decided to reject the Taco Supreme with extra sour cream it had been screaming for only moments earlier, forcing her to embrace and shove her head into a receptacle that has hosted almost as many asses in its career as Richard Simmons in his.
• Do you enjoy being stabbed repeatedly in the pubic area?  If so, you would LOVE round ligament pain.
• Not having a period is one of the touted benefits of pregnancy.  Don’t put those tampons in storage just yet, you can still find a use for them now that your nose is going to be the one with a period!  If you are like me, it will be almost daily!!
• Weight gain!  Because nothing says “I’m bringing sexy back” like elastic waistbands.

If you are interacting with a pregnant woman, don’t ever assume you are safe.  Always consider her armed and dangerous.  Even if the only weapon in her arsenal are the countless hormones surging through her body, be afraid.  Be very afraid.  Signs you should abandon your mission and run:

• Tears.  Even if it just looks like her eyes might be watering, take no chances.  Run.
• She suddenly stops talking or responding to you and only stares, even if she is being directly addressed or questioned.
• Her only response or contribution to the conversation is a flat “whatever.”.
• Her stomach growls.

Dads:  Are you feeling neglected?  Left out?  Have you tried to give her the business only to find she has closed up the shop?  Maybe she wants the business but the realization that her vagina is soon going to transport a tiny, screaming human larvae into the world has rendered you impotent.  Either way, you can revive your sex life.

Are you being rejected?  You are going to have to play a little hardball but, remember, all is fair in love and war.  You have to make her want you to want her and that is going to mean you have to hit her in the ego.  It is kind of like high school:

• Strategically but noticeably  place stretch mark cream amongst her beauty supplies.
• When you both get in bed, pull out the latest issue of “Hotties with Vacant Uteri” and your favorite lotion and go to work.  If she interrupts, take your tools into another room and tell her that she is spoiling the moment.
• Look at older photos and compliment her pre-pregnancy hips.

If the problem is that you can’t get the soldier to salute, there are a couple of solutions:

• Admit that you are gay.  I mean, seriously.  Pregnant or not, most men won’t turn down an available vagina.  Not to mention, her boobs have, at least, doubled in size.  That is nature’s distraction.  If this is the case, get her to pull her hair up in a baseball cap and roll her over.
• Medicine

You are welcome.  This could end up being another series.

How to be a good parent with good kids:

• Use your resources.  The TV, for instance, is better and cheaper than a nanny.  You turn it on, it keeps the kids quiet and occupied and, in most cases, it is even teaching them something.  Then, at the end of the day, you don’t have to hear the television tell you about where you are falling short as a parent. 
• There is nothing wrong with a little healthy competition.  Make a ranking chart and put on the refrigerator.  You can call it the “Mommy’s Favorite Board” or something to that effect.  At the beginning of every day, gather the children around and rank them from top to bottom on the chart.  Explain that the top spot is mommy’s favorite and go on to explain why/how they made that position (they did this favor, they didn’t talk back, etc).  Let all the children know that this order can change at any moment, without notice.  Make sure to take any reason to go switch the order and appoint a new favorite.  This is even more effective if the favorite gets some sort of privilege.  It really gets the kids in line.  Sure, the experts will rag on and on about damaging their self esteem, long term damage and blah, blah, blah but fuck that noise.  If they maintain the “mommy’s favorite” position, their self esteem will be fine.  It is a long term goal to teach them to strive for along with the short term reward.
• Drink.  If you haven’t already, after having children is a good time to take up drinking.  Don’t listen to these fuckwit sanctimommies that go on and on about it being irresponsible or that the minute your piss makes the line on the magic plastic stick, you are no longer allowed to be remotely selfish.  I like my “me time” and I like it a lot better when there is a bottle of wine to keep me company.  You thought alcohol was important the day after you turned 21?  It is a requirement of a good parent.  They should hand out bottles of wine and liquor to parents in the hospital. 
• Force your children to subscribe to gender stereotypes from birth.  Do not let little boys like pink or even touch your purse or a doll, regardless of whether he is 6 months or 6 years old.  If he does any of the above, he will most likely grow up and want to fondle and marry other boys.  If he shows interest in a toy kitchen, for instance, slap his hand, tell him that cooking is woman’s work and make him look at a Playboy magazine, while holding a truck in one hand and a hunting rifle in the other.  If your daughter wants to play with her brother’s toy tool set and you let her, you might as well go buy her a wallet chain and a Melissa Etheridge album.
• Do not talk to children about sex.  That is sick and inappropriate and it should never be discussed.  If your children express any curiosity or ask questions regarding sex, tell them that sex is bad and thinking about sex, talking about sex or having sex before marriage is a one way ticket to hell.  Discussion over.  
• If your children yell at you or talk back or are disrespectful in general, buy them something and apologize for angering them. If you tell your child to clean his/her room and he/she screams back “NO!  Fuck you, mom!  You clean my fucking room!  I hate you!”.  Obviously, you have done something to upset or offend your precious angel and it must be resolved.  In order to make amends, you should clean his/her room and/or go buy a present for your disgruntled child/teen and beg for forgiveness.  This can also apply to incidents when teacher call to discuss your child’s behavior.  You know that bitch probably has a vendetta against your precious little baby and/or is jealous of you and is taking it out on him/her.  When she tells you that little Junior told her to shove her book up her ass, you make sure and ask her what she has against your child and what she did to provoke his/her response.

This is parenting, people, not rocket science.  Now, go have a drink.

I’m a very tolerant person. No, not really.

It is hard to come to grips with the fact that there are so many stupid people walking among us. I mean seriously stupid fucking people. My normal bullshit tolerance is fairly low but when I am pregnant, it is almost non-existent. I don’t know if pregnant people make the stupid people reveal themselves more freely or if I am just a total bitch when I am baking tiny humans. If you take a poll, I am sure most people would vote the latter but I disagree. I am fairly certain that I am a ray of fucking sunshine during the months when I am crying over things like dog food commercials, peeing every 5.5 mins, fighting the occasional urge to vomit and developing a figure similar to many large sea dwelling mammals,

1.) I would really like to know what it is about a pregnant belly that compels perfect strangers to approach and start rubbing on it, without so much as tossing a Snicker’s bar at me first. I can’t imagine these same people would appreciate me randomly approaching them and just running my hands all over their protruding guts.  Being pregnant does not negate my need for PERSONAL SPACE!

2.) Why the fuck do you think that it is a good idea to tell me about your friend’s -cousin’s- brother’s -best friend’s-wife’s-sister in law that carried to (enter my gestational stage) and gave birth to a child that was a rare genetic anomaly with two heads and a hump that died 6 minutes later. If you could keep that to yourself, that would be great.

4.) I don’t give a flying fuck if you heard or read somewhere that I shouldn’t drink the Dr. Pepper I just opened. Kiss my ass. If you see me cut a line of coke, intervene. Otherwise, shut the fuck up.

5.) Yes. I am getting huge. Thanks for, not only, noticing but for announcing it to the entire fucking world.

6.) Yes. I also know what causes this. Although, I must say, you are the FIRST person to have made that joke upon hearing I was pregnant with our fourth child. If you only want to have 0-2 kids, good for you. If I want to pack a small army into my uterus, that is my fucking prerogative. Mmmkay?

If this message stops just one person from being a complete asshat when encountering a pregnant woman, I will feel like a success.