Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Reaching For My Dream

I’ve decided that my true calling in life is to be some kind of life coach; a guru, if you will. I didn’t come to this conclusion overnight, though. I have spent a lifetime studying this craft, without even realizing it, devouring knowledge as I poured through the pages of important and informative literature, like Cosmopolitan, and Seventeen. I’ve always felt I had a higher purpose, to help people and truly make a difference in the lives of others, and it finally hit me that this was the path I was being shown to fulfill that purpose. At this point, I feel that my point of view and life experience gives me an insight to advise the general public on the personal issues that plague them in a manner far superior than anyone currently taking up space in this profession. I know that you can’t just take me at my word, so I’ve decided that this will be my “audition piece”, if you’d be so kind to indulge me.

I’ve taken questions from other columns and will answer them correctly. I’m going to change lives.

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ADVICE COLUMN SUBMISSION:

I’ve been engaged for two years and can’t figure out whether I should marry this guy. When we moved in together six months ago, he called the police when he feared my cat—who is fully declawed—was going to attack him. Recently, I came home from work to find he had thrown my computer into a Dumpster. “It crashed” was his excuse. He’s also impossible to get along with and has lied about his age, his previous marriages (two, not one), and the paternity of his only son.

His good qualities: He pays the rent and is adventurous, polite, and good in bed. I have an insane attraction to him, but why do I have so many doubts? I wonder if there is a man alive who wouldn’t piss me off on a regular basis.

I’m sure a lot of people will tell you that a guy who tries to file attempted assault charges against cats is overly dramatic, at best, or, at worst, possibly delusional, bordering on bat shit crazy. You say the cat is declawed, but unless you say that the cat is de-toothed, a threat existed. I hope that your cat was arrested and prosecuted because I, for one, am sick and tired of cats getting away with shit like that.

Next, you returned home from work to find he had thrown away your computer after it “crashed”. I’m sure some people would right away see this explanation as an obvious attempt to blow smoke up your ass, probably implying or outright suggesting that he had probably sold it for drugs or a piece of ass. I just need to know the specifics of the “crash”. For me, if the internet goes down for any reason, I throw my computer in the trash. I threw away a brand new computer once because, while in the middle of a really funny YouTube video, the computer suddenly just died. Just like that. I, of course, smashed it to a melody of curse words, some real, some made up in the heat of the moment, and then threw it directly into my neighbor’s trash can (it was trash day and ours’ was still all the way at the end of the driveway). Of course, I realized shortly after that my toddler had unplugged it from the wall but how was I supposed to know that? I’m not in the I.T. business and I’ll bet your fiance isn’t either. Think about that.

So he told a few little lies. Big deal. People are so hung up on honesty. Did he have a good reason to lie? That is what matters. Why is his age even any of your business? What are you a fucking cop or something? As far as the previous marriages: Were either or both of his ex-wives more attractive than you? It’s possible he was just trying to protect you because you are obviously crippled with insecurity and jealousy issues. Maybe you’re impossible to get along with. Maybe you have a tendency to be a bitch about these issues and don’t realize it. Some food for thought.

You answered your own question at the end there, toots. You have this man who pays rent, probably says “thank you” after spunking on your face, and gives you a good dickin and you have the audacity to reconsider marrying him because of petty shit like lying about being married and having children? To answer your final thought: Probably not. You sound suspicious and high maintenance.

What do you do if you accidentally, in the throes of passion, tell a guy you love him too soon when you totally don’t? Pretend it didn’t happen? Hahahahah.

That isn’t going to work. The obvious solution is to escalate your usage of the phrase. Say it to him, in passing, for mundane acts, like switching laundry and really heap it on every time you have sex and when you have the smallest sip of alcohol. When in his presence, you need to make it a point to say it to everyone you come across. When the barista hands you your latte, instead of “thank you”, say “I love you”. When UPS delivers the package of condoms you ordered from Amazon, because you’re too embarrassed to go buy them in person, say “I love you” as you close the door. When one of his friends or coworkers tells a joke, good or bad, laugh maniacally, as you repeat the phrase 2-3 times. Before long, it’ll be like it never happened.
I’m pretty sure my boyfriend is still in touch with his ex-girlfriend — the one who got away/the crazy bitch who broke his heart. He left his Gmail open one day and I saw her name in his inbox. I am dying to know what she wants. How terrible would it be if I hacked into his email to get the scoop? I mean, just once?

Are you new? If you want to have a successful relationship built on trust and mutual respect, you should be hacking into his email, checking his texts and call records, and monitoring his Facebook on a regular basis. You could even get a friend that he’s never met to hit on him, maybe at a bar or club when you aren’t with him, and report back to you if they make out or have sex. Now, if you catch him snooping in your shit, drop him like a bad habit. You don’t want to waste your time on a guy that would act so jealous and possessive.

I’ve been dating two men for the past year – with their knowledge. Neither wants a full-time relationship (all three of us divorced recently, so are still bruised). I know I should feel lucky with two lovers, but I’m starting to feel torn about having sex with one man, then another, with nothing deeper developing. What should I do?

Threesome. Boom. They will see each other in action, sparking the competitive hormone that men secrete when they see other men lifting weights or showing the slightest interest in a woman that they’re currently involved with or that they’ve ever remotely rejected, and they will think they must win you from their opponent.  Make sure when you spend one on one time with your lover that you make subtle references about the other to maintain this spirit of competition, such as “I’m a little tired today, it’s just that I had the biggest orgasm of my entire life yesterday with Bob”.  Guys love when girls play games and shit. It turns them on and they will want to marry you.
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ADVICE ARTICLE SUBMISSION:
Tips to Drive Your Man Wild:
  • Constantly criticize yourself with  consistent mentions of your weight. Refer to yourself as “obese” and ask him to rate parts of your body (arms, stomach, ass, legs) in order from least fat to most fat. Guys like insecurity and it makes them feel important when they can reassure and coddle you.
  • If you feel him pulling away, tell him you’re pregnant. This will make him feel guilty and he will be excited and once he pictures the two of you spending your lives together, he’ll know he was thisclose to a mistake and it won’t matter when he finds out your womb is completely bare.
  • When you’re having sex, push him on his back and straddle him, but sit “Indian style”, and move back and forth, then start crying and accuse him of staring at your stomach fat moving. Men find this endearing.
  • When you go out together, play a fun game like “Is She Prettier Than Me”.
  • Accuse him of cheating on you, without any cause, in front of friends and/or family.
  • Compare him to past lovers. Tell him how his dick ranks in comparison to exes. Speak of them in a tone of fond, nostalgic, remembrance. It lets him know that you are mature and aren’t holding on to any resentment from past relationships.
  • When you give him a blowjob, pretend his shaft is a piece of corn on the cob and pretend to eat it “antique typewriter” style.
  • Hide a vibrator wand under your pillow and the next time he is on top of you, surprise him by discreetly pulling it out and inserting it into his ass. You’ve gotta be quick, though.
  • Talk about your bowel movements in detail. Ask him to come look at them or show him pictures. Men like this because it lets them know that you are comfortable in the relationship.
  • Nag him.
  • Check his texts and Facebook. Accuse him of fucking every girl in his contacts and friends list. jealous-girlfriend

I’m going to clear out my voicemail because I know that my phone is going to be blowing up with job offers.

WHO NEEDS SOME ADVICE?

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

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