Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

All the Single Ladies:

Let me preface this by saying, the only time I’ve ever wished I wasn’t married was yesterday, when I first laid eyes on a dreamboat that calls himself “Sleepless in Austin”, aka Romeo Rose.  As soon as I clicked the link, the first thing to greet me on the home page was Adonis, in the flesh, I was mesmerized by his soulful eyes. I didn’t even realize I had been tracing the outline of his teeth with my fingernail for who-knows-how-many minutes, until a Twitter alert snapped me out of my daze.

*Swoon*
I am willing to pay anyone $1,500 as a finder’s fee for anyone that can help find me a girlfriend. (I will give you a extra $1,000 as a bonus if this turns into marriage, I offer this extra bonus as I hope it will motivate you to find me a woman of great quality)
I have been in Austin over 3 years now and have not been successful at finding a girl that wants a long term relationship in all this time, so I would like to enlist the readers here in my search, and I will pay anyone $1,500 if you can actually make this happen.
I am 39 years old, (date of birth is 9-18-1974 so that makes me a Virgo) 6′,4″ and 195lbs. I live in South Austin. I am looking for a girl that has a thin or athletic build. No one over 130lbs. Ages 21 – 41 White, Hispanic, or of European descent.

First off, ladies, wouldn’t it be awesome to be able to brag to your friends that your boyfriend paid $1500 for you? That’s high society status shit, right there.

When I came across a picture of him with a guitar and realized he was a fucking rock star too, my loins quivered.  I cried out for more. MORE! MORE! YES! MORE! My lust for Romeo turned into full-blown love when I read his lovelorn plea for help. It was like that shit you see in movies falling in love, His words brought tears to my eyes. He doesn’t want to be Forever Alone. He is looking for the love of his life; someone he can fall in love with and, hopefully, spend the rest of his life with. Showing that he is so much more than just hot bod and pretty face, his describes to any potential matchmakers the characteristics he searches for in a woman. With this poetry, he showed his ability to step out of that “masculine” comfort zone, and be sensitive and vulnerable, while holding to a respectable and reasonable level of standards, making him the total package.

I’d divorce my husband, and point my car to Austin with only the clothes on my back, if I thought he would have me but, sadly, I’m not worthy.  I’m going to share this with you, my readers, in hopes that my loss if your gain; that the lucky lady might be amongst all of you. All I’d ask in return is to live vicariously through your stories and anecdotes. Oh, and the $1500.

Once you read his words, you will know his heart. You will fall in love, as I did. You may also, like me, find yourself opening his picture to full screen view, and rubbing your computer screen all over your writhing, naked body; demurely explaining to the picture on the screen that you’ve never done anything like this before, as you shove his frozen image down and over your breasts, then sliding it down between your thighs, unable to stifle the moans of lust and desire. You’ll say, “No one has ever made me feel like this before”, and, “MORE TEETH. PLEASE, GOD, MORE TEETH”. then, as you lay there trembling, curled into a quivering ball of satisfied ecstasy, you rub your fingertip up and down the screen, along the front of his pants, warming him up for round 2.

He is INSATIABLE!
He is INSATIABLE!

Okay, where was I? Is it hot in here to anyone else? No? Okay, let’s just move on. So, here goes, ladies: Could YOU be the woman of his dreams?

First and foremost, his dream girl is attractive, which I’d assume is a high ranking bullet point on most people’s “wish list”. He is too sensible to be so vague, though. He prefers a certain aesthetic.

I like girls that are thin, or with a toned or athletic build. A average build is fine too, just as long as you are not over weight. I will not date a overweight or fat girl.

I realize that the average person will read this and think, “what an ass”. Romeo, though, isn’t your average guy. He is a genetic fucking masterpiece. LOOK AT HIM! He wasn’t conceived with sperm and an egg. He was created from angel tears and unicorn piss. You don’t just jiggle up to a man like this. You get your ass to the gym if you want a piece of that!

I like girls that are 130 pounds or less. Of course weight needs to be in proportion to their height, as long as they aren’t considred overweight, they should be fine. Being overweight is a total dealbreaker with me.

See! He isn’t looking for perfection! He just isn’t into fatties. It’s not personal, people! He is looking for someone to possibly spend his life with here. He is obviously concerned about long-term health outcomes and knows that morbid obesity is a life threatening risk factor. I know that a lot of people are saying that 130 lbs doesn’t make one overweight, much less obese, but you’re obviously in denial. Look, the long and short of it is, If your ass is fat, you ain’t getting with that.

I also like girls with long hair. I like a girl to look like a girl, not a man, I like a feminine, pretty girl. I like hair down to the shoulders at least. Sometimes I can make exceptions if it is shorter depending on how it looks on the girl. But for the most part, I love long hair.

He wants a lady looking lady, so hair MUST be long, like lady hair. He’s a rock star, man. Don’t you understand that? His hair is a bit long, sort of like a lady’s short cut, so when he is out with you, he wants to make sure everyone can tell that he is THE MAN in a heterosexual couple, rather than mistake him for the lady or, worse, have people peg y’all for a lesbian couple.

He rocks out with his cock out. Cuz he's a man, and he has one, and he only dates lady looking ladies!
He rocks out with his cock out. Cuz he’s a man, and he has one, and he only dates lady looking ladies!

Redheads are my favorite, next is Brunettes, and next is Blondes, in that order. I like all 3, but I’m just saying if I had to choose, that’s my order of preference.

Congratulations, gingers. You win this round.  Well, only if you’re skinny with long ginger locks. If you’re fat with a bob cut, the skinny, long-haired, blond is gonna win.

I will not date a Black girl.  I don’t care if she looks like Halle Berry, I will not ever date a Black girl.

Uhhhhh-wow, okay——hmmmmmm…Well, I mean, are you going to let a little blatant racism stand in the way of love?

However, I will date any other race, Hispanic, Mexican, Spanish, Russian, Italian, French, European, White, whatever, anything except Black.

See! He isn’t racist! It’s just black women that he finds offensive and repellant! Wait, what…

I do not like glasses on a girl. Although, it’s not a dealbreaker, as long as she can wear contacts at least most of the time.

Who isn’t turned off by a “four eyes”? You can’t be attractive WHILE wearing glasses. Facts are facts.

I do not ever want to have kids, so if a girl is wanting to have babies, I am not her man.

His sperm is sacred. Mere humans are unworthy and incapable of spawning with his seed.

I do not like tattoos on a woman. If a woman already has tattoos, it may not be a deal breaker unless she plans to get more in the future. If a woman has something small and feminine like a butterfly or rose already on her ankle or something then it may not necessacerily (sic) be a dealbreaker. And it would also help if she would consider having them laser removed, something I might would even pay to have done for her.

Nothing says ROMANCE AHEAD like a Groupon for tattoo removal.

To me, tattoos just represent white trash or somone that’s been in prison. I do not care for following trends like mindless sheep and getting tats just because what ever Star on TV got them, they will always be a symbol of White Trash. The Female human body is the most beautiful work of Art God ever created, to tattoo it with ink is the same as vandalising a famous Monet painting with a can of spray paint!

No offense. Like he said, it may NOT be a deal breaker. He may be willing to slum it if you’re white trash with a BMI considered “underweight”, you have long red hair, are any color but black, and your trash tags are dainty symbols of femininity.

I do not like strippers! I will not date any girl that has ever been a stripper. I believe that the only person that should ever see a womans naked body is only her boyfriend or husband.

It says right there in the Bible, “Thou shalt only show your boobs and squish mitten to your husband or boyfriend or really hot guys when you’re drunk”.

I will not date any girl that has ever had a threesome, or a large number of past sexual partners. I do not want a promiscuous slut, I want a normal, decent, good hearted girlfriend.

I’m glad to see he opposes crazy, evil, sluts. Everyone knows that only heartless psycho women exhibit any degree of autonomous sexual agency.

I prefer a girl that does not smoke, but as long as she does not smoke in my house or around me, if she can go outside and smoke, then I can live with that. I lived with my ex girlfriend for Eleven years, and she was a smoker.

It is NOT weird that a fat ass and black skin are deal breakers but smoking is fine. You’re just jealous.

I will not date any girl if she is still friends with any men that she has been intimate with in the past, I believe once a relationship with someone is over, it’s OVER.

It is a scientific fact that once a guy has touched your boobs or his erection has been in or near your vagina, friendship is an impossibility. Even if it was years and years ago, and you’ve never reconsidered your romantic compatibility, your vagina has dick memory and if you hang out with any guy(s) who imprinted on your cock pocket , the vagina has the ability to take control of your mind and, next thing you know, you realize you just cheated on your man. /scienced

I do not like sarcastic or cynical people, I do not like people that always think negatively either, so that type of girl would also not be a good match for me.

Hating fat people and black people is NOT cynical, nor negative. It’s just not.

I do not expect a girl to agree with all of my beliefs or opinions etc, but I do not like to argue, and it’s very important that we can live in peace together if at some point the girl & I live together. I like to live in a quiet & peaceful environment. That is extremely important to me.

A lady knows that a good man doesn’t need nor want to hear about her opinions, especially if they are of the dissenting kind. Even if you agree, even slightly, a simple head nod or a, “you’re right about that” will suffice. A doctor once told me that women who think too much may get fat and/or lose their hair. Think about that.

I like a girl that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a slut, and not anything weird. Just normal is fine. T-Shirt & Jeans are OK. But a girl in a dress really gets my heart racing! I also love it when a girl wears a mini skirt with boots, not cowboy boots, but sexy boots. Or high heels, I love spiked high heels!

No one likes or respects girls dressed up like sluts. Men like it when women leave something to the imagination, such as a tight mini skirt paired with thigh high stiletto boots. It’s all about mystery and Dream Boat here is no different.

I love it when a girl wears sexy lingerie in the bedroom! Especially thigh highs!

Just as long as it isn’t slutty! Consider a long-sleeved, full length, cotton nightgown with thigh-high compression socks underneath

Kissing is one of my most favorite things to do with a girl, it’s very important. I also love to hold a girls hand when I am walking with her. And I love sleeping beside a girl and holding her close to me, and spooning with her. In fact THAT is the reason I named this website “Sleepless In Austin” because I haven’t had a single good nights sleep in years, ever since my relationship ended with my ex-girlfriend.

Don’t take this as him saying that women are more like sleeping aids than actual people. I’m sure he’ll treat his woman with respect and love, as long as you go to bed when he wants to go to bed and sleep in a position that provides him the utmost level of comfort, to ensure a good night’s sleep for him. I’m sure it’s understandable if you are tired because you didn’t have a restful night, but just keep it to yourself. Remember: No one likes a Negative Nelly.

And yes, I also liked the movie Sleepless in Seattle, haha 🙂

See! Only the most romantic men would like such a love story.

It dosen’t matter at all to me how big or small a girls breasts are. I prefer them to be real & natural though. I am against breast implants, I see that as unnecessery self mutilation, and I would not want a girlfriend that has breast implants.

But, if you’re over 130 lbs, gastric bypass may put you back in the running for Romeo’s love!

I prefer a woman that has never had children, because having kids does ruin a womans body often times. They end up with stretch marks. And also sometimes it makes their vagina looser, and I don’t care how many kegel exercises a woman does, after she has 2 or 3 eight to ten pound babies, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during childbirth the lips/vulva of a woman get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they heal, that’s why some women even get cosmetic reconstructive surgery to their vulvas after childbirth to try and regain their original appearance.

Romeo is a rock star; a sensitive, worldly man. If you’re fine with being hideously deformed, and don’t care enough about yourself to not ruin your body by shitting out a couple of fuck trophies, good for you! And, hey! If you aren’t worried about the whistling sound that could be caused by a gust of wind under your dress or your stretched out, saggy, vagina skin flapping when you walk, no one is judging you. You’re probably a nice person. Gross to look at or think about, with a huge hallway vagina, don’t get me wrong, but probably really nice.

Now I’m not saying having had a kid or two is a for sure dealbreaker for me, but it’s a case by case basis, and I prefer a woman that’s never had kids if possible. My ex-girlfriend that I was with for Eleven years never had kids, she couldn’t because of a hysterectomy at a young age.

Complete uterine removal is a bonus. (For thin, long haired red heads, with limited  melanin levels, and no tats, or stretch marks and a tight vadge.)

I also have a very high sex drive.

Computer screen Romeo sure backs up this claim. WHEW!

Romeo answered questions on Reddit in an AMA and here are a few of his responses, if you need any further proof that he is NOT  racist:

I am NOT a racist.  But I will say this, Blacks do make up the majority of the inmates in the prisons in the country.

And I think it’s White people that make up the majority of white collar executive types of positions in America. Probably more Whites are 1 percenters than there are blacks.

When I think of all of the classical composers like Mozart etc that were pure genius, I don’t recall many of them being Black.

So in the grand scheme of things, it appears the scales are tilted in favor of Whites being the superior race, after all we weren’t the ones that were enslaved workinf cotton fields for 40o years..

My best friends are black and I have no hatred for them.

See! The first few may have been making lean towards labeling him as a racist but, just as I thought, he put it all to bed at the end, revealing that he is friends with black people.

rr22

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

62 thoughts on “All the Single Ladies:

  1. You are the best there ever was, is or ever will be. You are my sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey…….and as long as their are fuckwits out there like our Romeo my skies may be very grey. If you ever make it to Saskatoon Saskatchewan (and I know it’s on your top ten places to visit), the drinks are on me!

    Like

  2. This. This right here, is why I am happy being single…and also why on-line dating is a crap shoot at best.

    Signed, this glasses wearing, sarcastic, opinionated, overweight brunette with tattoos, who would like to have kids someday.

    P.S. THE TEETH, my god! His photos remind me of the character Jaws from James Bond movies! *shudder*

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  3. BAHAHAHA!!! Look at those Crest strip-whitened choppers! They illuminate the beauty of his Medieval Times red silk folk shirt. Jacka**. Your vagina has dick memory…indeed, LMFAO! Your assessment of this eHarmony “wannabe loved” is priceless.

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  4. Oh wow is horse face there for real? At least he’s honest >insert eyeroll here< Racist? nah. Informed? Nah. There WERE white slaves, pretty much the description of his ideal woman. Irish. Pitty the woman he does end up with.

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  5. HowHOW does this man live in Austin?!?! Hooooow? We had nutty hoo-hoos like this in Sedona, but Austin?!?! My brain has fallen out reading this. It is rolling around on the floor. How does he make a living? Oh mah gawd the questions are endless.

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      1. He’s a f$&@ing photographer? Shuuuuuuut upppppp. That means these are the BEST pictures of him. BEST. Again. Brain on the floor. Rolling around.

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          1. Wow, they’re… I mean, I thought he might at least be good? They look like snapshots taken by a 13-year old. Also, I might be primed to look for it after reading his ridiculous ‘ad’, but is it me or is there a bit of an anti-woman slant to his photo selection? The first 2 seem particularly negative to her in terms of body language.

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            1. Not the WHITE women! Sure, they’re less than men, as a rule, but they are white. This wizard; I think he said he was the “grand wizard”, or some really high ranking, powerful shit, told me that melanin kills brain cells, causes obesity, hair loss, AND weakened vagina muscles. He had a pointy hat and everything, so I have no reason to doubt his knowledge or powers.

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  6. Brilliant response, QC. Just a brilliant piece of writing – thank you for highlighting this catch for us and for your insightful comments 🙂

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  7. Man. And I thought the Super-Yuppie Yoga Teacher Wedding had completely destroyed my faith in humanity. Ol’ Pearly Whites there is looking in the wrong direction, I think. I look really stunning in a dress (trust me, you’ll be stunned – everybody who sees me in a dress says they’re stunned) and there’s no danger of me ruining my body by having kids. Admittedly, I’m a wee bit over his ideal weight range – but trust me, by the standards of forty-year-old men who drink a lot of beer, I’m a slender reed.

    …I still get the money if I recommend myself, right?

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  8. I just had to comment on this (and I never comment on blogs-usually couldn’t be bothered).

    This is, by far, the funniest, snarkiest, all around bestest commentary on that jackass’ search for everlasting love that I’ve read thus far, and I can’t imagine anyone outdoing you.

    Kudos to you on that! I look forward to reading more posts by you.

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  9. I too am a lover, not a fighter, but I hope the girls are lining up to slap him upside his head! I must know if this guy ever finds love because you know what they say – there’s someone for everyone! How can we find his previous girlfriend of 11 years for comments on this?!

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  10. I promise you, I considered his offer very, very carefully. I don’t like men with beards, because it scratches when you’re dancing cheek to cheek (being a dyed in the wool romantic, I can’t forego dancing cheek-to-cheek, I’m sure Romeo can understand and relate to that), but if he would agree to shave off his beard, I would be ready to re-think my position. Nor am I happy about the idea of a man who had an 11-year relationship with another woman (WHY did it end?), but if he can convince me that she made his life hell for 11 years and that it was all her fault and that the only reason he didn’t end it sooner was a sense of commitment that made it impossible for him to hurt her feelings, I would re-consider.
    OK – still considering…

    But no.
    Those teeth are a deal-breaker…

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  11. Why, oh whyyy did I cut off my long red hair two weeks ago?!?! Had I known what was waiting just around the corner… Wait, was the hair length a deal breaker or not? Maybe I can blind him with my pasty white skin and he won´t notice the manish bob cut on my head…
    Sarcasm aside (yeah, I guess I´m not in the running after all); I think this guy should be lucky he found a woman who was willing to spend 11 years of her life with him, because I think he´s done now. That´s all the love you get in this life buddy, I´m pretty sure there aren´t two out there for you.

    And btw, cock pocket might be my new favorite word!

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  12. Oh my!!!! Gawd. Puhleez. What a dick! (and I’m not be complimentary either). I read this elsewhere too and a guy said: From the comments on Reddit to Romeo Rose:

    “Honestly dude just get one of those creepy sex dolls and spare us. They have ones where you can pick out every characteristic, just like Build-A-Bear! People, not so much. Seriously, I’m in the process of finding a dog right now and I can’t even imagine approaching that task the way you’re approaching finding a girlfriend. A dog – not to mention a human woman – is a living thing, an individual, not a commodity built for your use.”

    I mean the guy has issues obviously but he needs to spend his money on Therapy not a wife.

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  13. Damn, it was looking so good for me right up till the sarcasm objection.
    Sigh. I suppose I’m stuck with the kind loving asshole sitting on my couch sharing my hookah right now. Some dreams were just never meat to be.

    Looks like some other lucky, lucky lady has a shot with HRH Prince Horseface.

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      1. I know, eh? Reading through the list…I could quit smoking my hookah, it would be a bit pricy but I could have my tattoos removed, keeping myself trim and fit would be a health benefit to me – so really there he’s just looking out for my own well being and health (quite considerate of him actually), I wear glasses, but I could switch to contacts easily enough…I could drop a few friends because we have ~a past~…but I draw the line at giving up my sarcasm.

        After all, anyone who knows me, knows I communicate almost exclusively in levels of sarcasm.

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  14. You rock the sarcasm like nobody else. Great read.

    It’s hard to believe this guy is real, but he truly does represent a lot of men out there in the dating world — if you can call what he wants dating. He needs to just order his Real Doll already and stop pretending he’s looking for a woman. Speaking for all redheads, he may want one, but he’ll never get one. He’s not what WE’RE looking for.

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  15. “Squish mitten”, and “shitting out a couple of fuck trophies” really spoke to me. How do you think of shit like this? It’s hilarious. My grandmother actually came into the room to check on what I was doing because she heard me laughing so hard. I’m now considering putting up a similar add to find a girlfriend who can be as fowl mouthed and sarcastic as you are because frankly I’m tired of having to “watch my language” in front of cunts like my ex-girlfriend. (Note: I don’t usually think it’s okay to objectify women. She really is just a cunt and there’s no way around it, I promise).

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    1. If anyone requires PG language in their presence, they should stay the fuck away from me. “Virgin ears” are a deal breaker for me. I’m enough of an asshole that I’d probably step it up and just curse unnecessarily.

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  16. I have two kids, both c-sections. Does that count?

    Not sure though that $ 2,500 would be anywhere near enough smart money to make me even consider dating this patient. Oh wait, the money was supposed to go to the pimp? Well, in this case…

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  17. I missed you so much. I am glad you came back. This is so spot on and hilarious. I shared it on my FB and it has been shared three other times since. And those are just the ones I know about. You are wicked good.

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  18. Oh my god, how did I miss this gem?

    Really starting to regret getting married and popping out all those fuck trophies….

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    1. Please keep it up ladies…… I won’t have to exercise for weeks at this rate I’m laughing hard enough to keep in shape and those endorphins…. whoooo hooo!!!!

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  19. Romeo must have found his match from all the traffic he received!! That is the only explanation for the fact that his site now belongs to someone else, right?? 😉

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  20. Hey queenie, have you tried his link? It’s down but up with a GIRL who want’s to be “Austins Juilet.” What the hell??? LOL

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  21. Lmfao
    You are a master troll, this was funny as fuck
    The guy is a massive chump, its true, but as a guy I can empathize with (some of) his points. But comments like ‘tattoos are only for white trash’ are the sort of thing we men have been taught to hold back when attempting to seduce a lady.

    I know somewhere deep, deep down, you long for his 6ft 4″ frame pressed against you.

    Imma read more posts, hopefully there’ll be an interesting dichotomy between my agreement and disagreement of your points.

    Like

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