(Preface: I forgot to publish this one last week! Doh! Sorry it’s a bit outdated.)
I had set my DVR that day, excited because I heard rumors that Hannah Montana was going to perform on the VMAs. Hannah, as you may now know, did not show up. No, no, she did not. Miley Stewart was not on stage either. This Miley Cyrus that hit the stage, though, has a lot to answer for after that showing. The internetz have been swarming. Miley is a slut, tramp, skank and a whore. She also has a disgusting flabby ass, which can be verified from a number of close up shots from multiple angles. She molested a fellow performer then pretty much sexually assaulted him right on stage. From what I’ve gathered, because of her performance, thousands of people died, marriages have fallen apart, 2 more wars have broken out, the stock market collapsed, women lost the right to vote, and baby Jesus cried. Miley Cyrus, single-handedly, destroyed lives–nay, civilization!
Miley Cyrus chose her path a long, time ago. At 12 years old, when she accepted the role of Hannah Montana, she sealed her fate as a role model. If my children can’t look to television for a role model to help them develop good moral fiber and a healthy self-esteem, who the shit is going to teach them? Riddle me that! Who do these Disney stars think they are? When you go on television as a child, especially on Disney, millions of parents are depending on you to do a good job of raising their children, for fuck’s sake. Britney Spears was so cute and innocent on the Mickey Mouse club and then the VMAs turned her into a horny slut too. These girls have to understand that they can’t just turn 18 and go rogue. What, like it’s my job to keep up with what my kids are watching and what they are wearing or what they are doing all the time? Okay, sure. That’s why I bought a fucking TV! That this happened on a family friendly network like MTV blows my mind. Every year, the family and I all get in our PJs and gather round the television for the, normally, wholesome Video Music Awards show. When Lady Gaga graced the stage with a shell bra, my family and I collectively wept at the poetic beauty of her thong nestled in her ass crack. Later, when Miley emerged from a giant space teddy bear, wearing a teddy bear or mouse onesie, with her tongue hanging out, and tried to dance to her song, I was startled. Her pelvic thrusts were not artistic. There were teddy bears strapped to people dancing. TEDDY BEARS! Do you think that when I tune into MTV with my children that I expect that they will be exposed to goddamn teddy bears? Is anyone thinking of the children? When the intro to Robin Thicke’s song, “Blurred Lines” began, I breathed a sigh of relief that the program was finally returning to a family friendly program. My kids and I LOVE this song. Call me a hopeless romantic, but there is just something so pure, loving and sexy about a handsome man crooning about the grey area that we call “consent” . Sigh. Swoon. Imagine my horror when Robin is standing there singing this love ballad, telling his lady if she backs her ass up, his dick can tear it in two, and that little harlot bent over in front of him and shook her ass on on his crotch! What is this world coming to when you can’t enjoy a catchy, rapey, serenade without some tramp trying to make the whole show about sex? I covered their eyes and told my babies just to sing along and try to forget what they saw. Did I mention that Miley is 20 years old and that Robin is a married father? That’s all the information I need to know that Robin was an innocent victim to Ms. Cyrus’ drug induced sex show. Sure, his wife laughed off the outrage, saying that it was a show, there was rehearsal after rehearsal, and there were no surprises. But, come the fuck on. Miley probably threatened her or drugged her or paid her off. There is no way that Robin Thicke, a family man, would agree to that. His “Blurred Lines” video is a testament to his purity. Despite all of the topless women, wearing only nude thongs, Robin Thicke and the other men remain fully clothed the entire time. Like gentlemen. I just felt soooo sorry for him during the awards. He’s just up there singing his song, about fucking hot bitches and Miley tainted the message. That little whore needs help. Bad. It’s like that time that Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson performed at the halftime show, which ended with Justin Timberlake ripping at Janet’s top, exposing her decorated boob. Like the rest of the world, I was outraged and I knew that Janet Jackson must be punished. Sure, it was a dual performance and it was Justin that removed the material but it was Janet that had the breast and that was the part of the whole thing that offended me.
The whole scene was awful. She grabbed her crotch. She used a foam finger and simulated masturbation for at least a second. Maybe a second and a half. She bent over and her legs were shaking a bit. I thought she might be having some sort of syncope episode or perhaps a seizure but, apparently, she was dancing, or” twerking” to be specific. I laughed. Mind you, I have no idea how to twerk, which is precisely why I don’t demonstrate the move. Something to consider, Miley. Something to consider. Like I was saying. Crotch grabbing, thrusting, revealing clothes, vulgar, sexual gestures and dancing. APPALLING!
I just want to go back to the good old days when it wasn’t about sex and skin and the VMAs was perfect family television, like Madonna simulating masturbation and sex while performing “Like a Virgin”, or Prince wearing assless pants while singing “Get off” When my children and I nestle on the couch together for some sing-along time, I don’t want them to be exposed to twerking, much less in hot pants. I want the programmers to think about the youth of this country and roll it back to the days when I could turn on the VMAs for my kids and leave the room, comforted by the fact that all they were going to see was kid friendly acts like Prince in ass-less chaps, or Madonna making out with Britney Spears and Cristina Aguilera. Or, even better, in the times when rock and roll was all about the music. Just a bunch of men, in skin-tight leather pants, simulating masturbation or sex with microphones or other objects, BUT MOSTLY SINGING!!
My main concern throughout the performance was Miley’s tongue. Has anyone suggested that she see a neurologist yet? It might be a good idea.