Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

I Cast “50 Shades of Grey”-The Movie

 

(Here is my previous review of the books)

I wasn’t prepared for the reaction but I laughed when people lost their fucking minds when the announcement was made that Dakota Johnson and Charlie Hunnum would play Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey, respectively. When the “official” announcement was made, disappointment, indignation, and outrage ensued because of these two people: 421603-dakota-johnson-will-play-anastasia-steele-in-the-big-screen-adaptation-of-e-l-james-amp-039-amp-034-fifty-shades-of-grey-amp-034- charlie-hunnam-shirtless-e1305148158187_large_170352988

Evidently, these two people are not up to par. They are not aesthetically capable of pulling off these roles. I mean, Charlie Hunnum is “scruffy”. In almost all the pictures I’ve seen of him, he has a beard and is wearing jeans or biker gear. Christian Grey is clean-cut and wears a suit! How the hell are they going to reconcile those differences? Dakota Johnson is too old, for starters. Ana is 21 years old, NOT 23!! Who is in charge of this? NOT TO MENTION, who the hell are they? No one has ever even heard of them! “Sons of Anarchy“? “Queer as Folk”? “The Social Network”? Never heard of them! Are they going to be able to handle bringing these characters to life? Are they seasoned enough to carry off this advanced of a story line, or the complexity and intimacy between these lovers, the likes of which can only be compared to a penile enhancement drug commercial? Many people were under the impression that these roles would be filled by higher caliber actors, like Academy Award winners. Or, at least nominees. There were also a lot of people with lower, but still higher, expectations.

Many really thought Robert Pattison should have/would have been Christian Grey. I’m assuming Kristen Stewart was the Anastasia they had in mind too. These are the diehard “Twilight” fans that feel that the only details that their favorite vampire love story was missing was fisting and anal beads.

407908__Bella_Swan_Edward_Cullen_Twilight_fakes_kristen_stewart_robert_pattinson

Others were expecting Ryan Reynolds or Ian Somerhalder. The rumors and wishes for Ana have been Emma Watson to Alexis Biedel, who is not too old at 32. At the end of the day ,one thing is sure, when you picture Christian Grey bending Ana over a sink and pulling out her tampon or whipping her ass to subconsciously punish his crack whore mother, this is a love story with standards that the fans will demand be preserved!

I’ve been casting actor and actresses that I thought had the chops for these roles for a while. In my head, of course.

ANASTASIA STEELE:

DuJour Magazine Launch Party | Hosted by Jason Binn, Christy Turlington Burns and Bruce Weber | Wednesday, September 5, 2012
She began prepping for this role years ago, with her former acting coach, Ray J.
She is NOT Hannah Montana anymore! She'll prove it! Give her a chance!
She is NOT Hannah Montana anymore! She’ll prove it! Give her a chance!
She'd be especially great in the scenes where Ana drinks.
She’d be especially great in the scenes where Ana drinks.

CHRISTIAN GREY:

I'm 50 shades of fucked up, Ana!
I’m 50 shades of fucked up, Ana!
Screech is into kinky fuckery. Check his IMDB page.
Screech is into kinky fuckery. Check his IMDB page.
I don't make love. I fuck. Hard. *sunglasses on* YEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHH
“Laters, baby” *sunglasses on* YEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHH

Of course, you’ll have to be flexible with any of these. Miley as Ana will walk into Christian’s office, slap her junk and probably twerk. With Tara, instead of “down there”, Ana will just refer to her “pussy”. I think Kim K. would really be able to bring to life Ana’s completely annoying personality and catch phrases, like “JEEEEZ”.  She’s already released a sex tape, so there won’t be any concern about modesty or inhibitions. Win, win.

With Christian, Nicholas Cage could really nail the quick to anger and psychosis of Christian Grey. With Dustin Diamond, aka Screech, you have the sex tape as proof of his lack of dignity or self-respect for the role. David Caruso could really bring an extra something to the role with the sunglasses and put some zazzle into the Christian Grey one liners.

Order your movie poster now!
Order your movie poster now!

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

7 thoughts on “I Cast “50 Shades of Grey”-The Movie

  1. God, Nic Cage. Could you imagine?They could do the whole movie in nothing but quotes from his other flicks. “Why couldn’t you put the bunny back in the box?”…I’d see that shit in a heartbeat…

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  2. I still can’t believe people are talking about how this is career suicide for the people involved because they are such “terrible” books. They may not be the greatest story ever told but I read worse. Twilight anyone? Those books weren’t that great either and look at all the money that franchise made. I think they’ll be ok, don’t you?

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    1. 50 Shade was written as Twilight fanfiction. Christian and Ana are essentially Edward and Bella with an NC-17 rating.

      I don’t think it is career suicide for THESE actors ;). I kid! I just think it would have been a significant step down for some of the actors/actresses people were expecting or wanting to be cast.

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  3. Independent film companies are proving how the large companies no more will be the only real judges of the things the public want. After you add to that distribution on the internet, media, internet sites, from chat to complete motion pictures. It’s a really whole new environment. Much of it very good, some not.

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