Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Wanna Guess Who Is Coming To Visit?

I don’t know what Husband’s deal is, but for the last week, he has been really pissing me off. He is doing it on purpose, too. He isn’t even trying to be subtle about his consistent attempts to irritate and upset me. The minute I wake up in the morning, he starts and every time he walks into the room, he starts again. I’ve told him in no uncertain terms to cut the shit out. He gives me this blank, deer-in-the-headlights, stare and acts all innocent, like he has no idea what I’m talking about. Okay, because I’m fucking stupid or crazy or something? He knows what he is doing. I know he knows what he is doing. Then he says, “you’re crazy”, totally projecting on to me because, obviously, HE is the crazy one since he takes such pleasure in driving me to the brink of insanity. It’s downright mean. Want a few examples of what an asshole he has been this past week? My pleasure!

– He comes and sits beside me on the couch the other day, so we can watch a movie. If he was breathing any louder, drywall would have been snowing from the ceiling and the police would have been at our door to issue a noise violation. He insisted he was breathing like he always did, but I’m pretty sure I would have noticed something like that in the last 13 years. He was breathing in AND out, every few seconds. I mean, COME ON!!

– He came home from work the other day and, when he walked in the door, he smiled and said, “hey, babe”. Can you believe him? I just said, “fuck you”, then he stands there acting all innocent and confused.

– I bought a few candy bars and put the bag on top of the fridge. He ate one. The motherfucker ate one. Obviously, he thinks I’m fat. JUST SAY IT TO MY FACE!

– The other night, he and my best friend admitted to me that they were sleeping together, had been for a while. and that he was leaving me to be with her. I cried and demanded to know how they could do that to me and they just laughed at me. Want to know what he says every time I try to talk to him about it? “OH MY GAWD, It was A DREAM!” Oh, okay. So, just because I dreamed it, that makes it okay?

– He brought me a Coke instead of a Dr. Pepper. Why does he hate me, right?!?!?

– He is constantly trying to convince me that sperm is a mood stabilizer and headache cure. I’ll try it if he does.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg. When I get upset, he plays the innocent bystander and acts like I’m overreacting. In a week, he’ll start acting normal again. He’ll just sit on the couch and breath like a normal fucking person. He won’t say things like, “is there any more pot roast left”, in that tone that makes it very clear that what he means is, “you’re so fat, you disgust me”. Then, in about a month, he’ll start at it again I could almost set a clock by it. Did I mention that he always pulls this shit right before I start my period? Like he makes it a point to make the 4-5 days leading up to shark week a living hell. I can’t figure out why he continues after all this time. This game seems to make him as miserable as it makes me.

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Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

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