Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

How Not to be Raped

Todd Akin, a certified fuckwit, made a statement this past week, giving his thoughts on “legitimate rape”. Apparently, mother nature knew all too well that we women were going to be reckless and irresponsible and end up getting ourselves raped so, in her infinite wisdom, enabled our bodies to make the distinction between “legitimate rape” and “buyers remorse”, the former which would cause our reproductive functions to shut down to prevent pregnancy from resulting from such an event.

Sure, he has since back pedaled but, at least for me, there is no coming back from that bullshit. It is indefensible. It got me thinking, though, about how prevalent this thought process is throughout society. Not this exact line of thought but just the victim blame mentality that colors public opinion. In regards to rape cases reported in the media, men and women alike will often refer to or inquire about the victim’s clothing, sexual past, whether she was drinking, etc. Female victims, even homosexual male victims, are considered by society to be, at least, partially culpable for the assault against them.

As I’m brainstorming through thoughts for this post, I checked my email and found this piece of trash. Though, I can’t count how many times I have been emailed this over the years, it never fails to annoy me but I felt like this was some sort of “sign” urging me to respond.

It is forwarded on by well-intentioned friends and family that want to tell their friend, mother, sister, what steps to take to avoid being raped. I just don’t know why, of all the other women that send this my way, I am the only woman asking why I am being sent tips to avoid rape when, strangely enough, my husband, father, brothers or any male friends are not being sent tips to not rape women. I’m just sayin’…

HERE IS THE OFFENDING EMAIL THAT HAS BEEN FORWARDED AROUND THE INTERWEBZ FOR AS LONG AS IT HAS EXISTED, PRETTY MUCH:

This is important information for females of ALL ages . Guys – please
forward to the female members of your family and all your female
friends and associates.

When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends.
I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My male friends
have female friends and this information is too important to miss
someone. Please pass it along.

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what
they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting
facts :

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle.
They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid
or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed . They are also likely
to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not
common targets.

Ask around. Only women with sexy, come-hither, long hair get raped. Next time you go to the salon, tell the stylist you want to chop your ‘rapist bait’ locks off. It’s for your protection. Obviously, short hair=lesbian=butch and everyone knows that lesbians and women with a “butch” look never get raped. Oh, wait…

2) The second thing men look for is clothing . They will look for
women who’s clothing is easy to remove quickly . Many of them carry
scissors around specifically to cut clothing.

Scissor proof clothing? What the fuck are women supposed to wear? Chain metal? Glass? I mean, I’ve checked my clothing tags and they all say “flame retardant” but none of them, as far as I can tell, are scissor proof. Should I start shopping for Kevlar pants and tops?

3) They also look for women on their cell phone , searching through
their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are
off guard and can be easily overpowered.

Obviously, it would be ridiculous for men to receive an email advising them to avoid using a woman’s ponytail to initiate a rape or to, I don’t know, leave their scissors at home if they have any inclination to utilize them as rape barrier removal. No, ladies, it is we that must be ever vigilant if rape is to be avoided!

4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between
5: 00am. and 8: 30a.m.

Let your boss know that coming in prior to 9AM puts you in harm’s way.  If he/she won’t recognize the physical danger and you don’t have a big strong man who won’t rape you to escort you, quit. What choice do you have?

5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery
store parking lots . Number two is office parking lots/garages .
Number three is public restrooms .

The obvious answer is to have a man, one who isn’t all rapey, to accompany you on any and every outing and errand. If you must leave your house, unaccompanied and in possession of a vagina, make sure to avoid shopping, parking, jobs, medical appointment or, really, any appointment. Wear Depends. Otherwise, you risk being raped.

6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman
and quickly move her to another location where they don’t have to
worry about getting caught.

If you have short hair, no job and a strong bladder, you make it really hard for a rapist to transport you to a good, rapey, spot.

7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year
sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.

Rapists, as you can see, are very conscientious of consequences. They’ve thought this shit through. When you are making life choices, you have to really weigh all of your options. This shows that 98% of rapists have their sites set on a future and don’t want to fuck that up by using weapons when they rape. What’s the point? We provide the ponytails and I guess scissors aren’t considered weapons if they are only used on one’s cut away clothing. A smart rapist won’t take any risk heavier than 3-5 years. Let this put your mind at ease, ladies. They don’t want to hurt you, just rape you a little.

8) If you put up any kind of fight at all, they get discouraged
because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going
after you isn’t worth it because it will be time-consuming.

One thing that always sticks out to me when I read a story about a woman being raped is how they all just let it happen to them. There is never a fight. These women feel a tug on their ponytail and they just lay on the ground and cooperate, showing the rapist how to cut along the seams to allow her to easier repair the outfit later. If they just protested a bit, they would have been fine. You never hear about rape victims who yelled, screamed, struggled, said “no” or who were restrained or beaten. No. That just doesn’t happen. /sarcasm

9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or
other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their
hands.  Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close
to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince
these guys you’re not worth it.

You got that, ladies? If you choose to ignore the advice about never leaving home with a vagina, you have a job to do and that is to convince the rapists of the world that you are not worth raping. Cut your hair off, wear Kevlar, some brass knuckles, a few rape whistles, make an air horn necklace, carry an umbrella or a golf club, some mace and wear running shoes. If a man comes within 2 feet of you, scream “RAPE”. Women who do all of this, rarely get raped.

10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is
following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an
elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question,
like what time is it, or make general small talk: “I can’t believe it
is so cold out here”, “we’re in for a bad winter.” Now you’ve seen
their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a
target.

If  you want to be absolutely sure that they are considering the full scope of potential repercussions, look him in the face and say, as nonchalantly as possible, “I could totally describe you to a sketch artist and identify you in a line up. Isn’t that funny?”

Remember! Women are NEVER raped by men that they know. Oh, wait…

11) If someone is coming toward you , hold out your hands in front of
you and yell STOP or STAY BACK ! Most of the rapists this man talked
to said they’d leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she
would not be afraid to fight back . Again, they are looking for an
EASY target.

Yeah! Don’t do what the typical rape victim does and just hit the ground and remove your pants when a man approaches you. If these women would have given the “STOP” hand signal and told their rapist to STAY BACK or STOP or NO beforehand, it all would have been different. Take no chances, ladies. It may look like the guy is just walking in the opposite direction and passing you on the sidewalk, in the store or at the office but, for your own protection, you mustn’t take any chances. Put up your hands, put up your dukes, scream at them, kick them or punch them as they pass. If you let yourself be seen as a victim, you have no one to blame but yourself.

12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of
it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY
and holding it out will be a deterrent.

This advice also works for those carrying guns. I suggest you spray or shoot first and ask questions later.

13) If someone grabs you , you can’t beat them with strength but you
can by outsmarting them . If you are grabbed around the waist from
behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and
armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD . One woman in a
class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy
who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the
skin and tore out muscle strands – the guy needed stitches.  Try
pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it
hurts.

Ladies, even though some of the previous tips implied that kicking and hitting are valid deterrents against would-be rapists, you may be waging an uphill battle if you try to employ attempts at responding to or reciprocating with physical violence to thwart an attack. Instead, use your brain and OUTWIT your aggressor. You may think that this would suggest trickery like pointing outward and yelling, “Look! Someone dropped some scissors!” or asking who they are voting for in the next election so that when they answer they will suddenly realize that you are capable of identifying them in a line up and will retreat. If you really want to mind fuck someone intent on rape, say, “Oh my gawd! You have a tick on your arm (or leg), let me get it for you”. They will, of course, appreciatively oblige by backing off enough to permit you to remove the foreign body from their person. If rapists have the foresight to forgo the use of weapons because of the potential long-term legal consequences, it stands to reason they would be equally wary of other risks, like Lyme Disease. Then, with all of the index finger and thumb strength you can muster, PINCH! It’s foolproof!

14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN . I know from a
particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy’s parts it
is extremely painful. You might think that you’ll anger the guy and
make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our
instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of
trouble. Start causing trouble, and he’s out of there.

So far we’ve learned that the typical rapist will avoid women with short hair, screamers, umbrella carriers, conversationalists, kickers and pinchers but if you want them to know you’re serious about not wanting to be raped, you are going to have to make some real trouble by doing any and all of the above and making sure you get lined up for a clear shot to his punching bags.

15) When the guy puts his hands up to you , grab his first two fingers
and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing
down on them as possible . The instructor did it to me without using
much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked
audibly.

Unless you are female body builder or eligible for the WNBA, I assume this advice is directed at those being attacked by a small child or a jockey.

16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware
of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see
any odd behavior, don’t dismiss it, go with your instincts!!!   You
may feel a little silly at the time, but you’d feel much worse if the
guy really was trouble.

The moral of the story, ladies, is rape wouldn’t be happening if women would just avoid going out in public sans an escort or weapon, quit having jobs, shopping or walking around in public and start telling every man within yelling distance, “DON’T RAPE ME!” and macing those that don’t change their course. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

I’ve asked around and, as it turns out, there is no similar list being distributed to men. I thought I would make one:

1) If you see a woman walking down the street with a ponytail or with short hair or bald, don’t rape her.

2) Scissors have many uses but if you consider cutting off a woman’s clothes to sexually assault her to be amongst the valid uses of scissors, please seek professional help immediately.

3) If you see a woman is distracted, whether by her phone or searching through her purse, don’t rape her.

4) Regardless of what time of day it is, don’t rape.

5) If you see a woman walking alone in public, at a grocery store, in a parking lot or a garage, don’t rape her.

6)  The penis is a weapon in a rape. Don’t use guns, knives or your penis to hurt another person. If you don’t rape anyone, you don’t have to worry about going to prison for rape.

7) It doesn’t matter what a woman is wearing, you are not entitled to sex with her.

8) Unless a person outright asks you to have sex with them, you don’t get to assume that they are “asking for it” by their wardrobe, dance style or sexual history. 

9) If you hear the word “no”, stop what you are doing. Just stop. Don’t assume the person really means “yes” or they are playing “hard to get”. For your sake and theirs, err on the side of caution, take the command seriously and stop. Even if everything up to that point was consensual, everyone reserves the right to set boundaries and withdraw their consent at any point. If you decide that they are going to “finish what they started” in spite of their protests, that is rape.

10) If someone you are attempting to have sex with punches you, kicks you, screams, hits or jabs you with an umbrella, maces you, pinches you or kicks you in the balls, trying to escape, you might be a rapist.

11) Don’t grab anyone from behind, from the waist, by the ponytail or use any other tactic to subdue them and rape them.

12) Being drunk doesn’t always mean “DTF”. The same goes for someone on drugs, that has been drugged or that is almost or completely passed out.

13) Don’t rape.

I’m ready for the day that, instead of “DON’T GET RAPED”, society will change the message to “DON’T RAPE”.

 

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

92 thoughts on “How Not to be Raped

  1. I am immediately forwarding your list to all men with this opener: This is important information for males of ALL ages . Gals – please forward to the male members of your family and all your male friends and associates. A brilliant woman wrote the greatest blog post that basically tells guys to quit the raping regardless of ponytails, non-scissor proof clothing and time of day.

    I am bowing to your brilliance. This was amazeballs.

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  2. You need a metal…seriously you do. I love your writing and I wish I could stick to my own blog. I’m going to share this, this is to awesome not to. I’ve never been raped, but I am tired of people giving women tips to ‘not get raped’ as if it’s choice and willingness that gets peopled raped. Oh yeah, rape is all about gals walking down the street looking ‘sexy and they know it’. Their just BEGGING to be taken by some random man, or hell a guy they know! It’s totally the ‘it’ thing right now! 😀 Drop you pants now, ladies! It’ll make it easier and the guys won’t even have to cut up your clothes!

    -_- *sarcasm*

    Seriously I’m with you. Lets aim for a day when the world turns to “DON’T RAPE”!

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  3. Thank you SO much for this. After I was raped I lost a few friends, because they told me that it wouldn’t have happened to them, because they would have done x, y, or z. I was always hurt by that, because it implies that if I had done things differently, I wouldn’t have been raped, as if it was my fault. It might sound nitpicky, but I find comments like that and e-mails about rape prevention to be just another message among so many others in our society saying that the victim is to blame.

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    1. I’m a rape survivor myself and that, I suppose, is why these sorts of messages get under my skin. It is just perpetuating the notion that victims are responsible for being raped and I couldn’t delete and forget about it like I have in the past.

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  4. Love it – so good. “Unless you are female body builder or eligible for the WNBA, I assume this advice is directed to those being attacked by a small child or a jockey”
    Thanks for a fun read (as usual).

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  5. Your list for rapists is awesome; it really puts it all in to perspective. Not that it should need that for anyone cause it’s pretty damn obvious: rape ain’t cool and no-one deserves it! No ifs, no buts; no would’a, coulda’s. The person who wrote that email needs to meander back into their time machine and head back into the 1950’s…

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  6. Somewhat new subscriber – I only follow one other blog, and your’s brings tears of laughter and notions of social justice at every read. Thank you.

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  7. As a rape survivor it amazes me how people who have NEVER walked in victims shoes find it so easy to judge what they would have done different and say that would never happen to me. I lost many so called “friends” and had family who also came against me because I didn’t do things “their” way. I was attacked at work..it was premeditated by 3 men who had guns. I had nowhere to run and hide. It was by divine miracle and Gods grace I’m alive and staying positive 🙂 Life is precious… live, laugh and love.

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  8. Amen!!! It’s freaking ridiculous that this “blame the victim” idea is still lingering. It’s not bad enough that I was assaulted by someone I’ve known for years, forced to undergo a humiliating and painful physical exam, questioned for hours by the police and asked to relive every detail, lost friends because “there’s no way he’d ever do that,” and watched him walk away without so much as a slap on the wrist… Now some asshat politician is going to say it wasn’t “legitimate rape”? I sincerely hope he never has a family member go through that hell. He’d probably blame the victim then, too.

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  9. Akin has made Danish news with that statement as well. I should like to know which doctors have told him that rubbish as they may want to retake their anatomy exams. The human body doesn’t work that way. It just doesn’t. Fact.

    Also, that email.

    Many of those things but especially this “Many of them carry
    scissors around specifically to cut clothing.” make it sound like it’s their hobby! O.o I refuse to belive that I live in a world where men think, “Oh I’d better bring some scissors when I go out tonight. I might get lucky and rape someone.” or “Hey, I’m a bit bored. I think I’ll go out and see if I can find some unfortunate victim. See you later, wife and kids.”

    What utter rubbish.

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  10. I’m afraid I’m just not brainy enough to “outsmart” a man with my fingers. So I might opt instead for spreading your list. Unbelievable, the BS that women still have to endure today!

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    1. I have already replied, but I’ve been following the other comments. I hesitatingly read the story you shared as I, too, have been raped. I have never publicly stated it. And the story was similar to mine except, thankfully, not as horrific. I had just turned 17. I was babysitting a 5 year old and the house had sheer curtains like in this story. I had lived in that neighborhood for over a decade and it was home. I was taking care of the little girl in the house directly behind my own. I had been walking around tidying up the living room after I had put her to bed. Walking back and forth picking up all the toys and straightening up. He must have seen my silhouette as in the story. But I finally laid down on the sofa face down away from the door to read a magazine. The next thing I knew, there was a gritty hand covering my mouth and a knife at my neck and a man saying “don’t make a sound. get up.”
      He held the knife at my neck and grabbed my arm and from behind forced me to walk to the back bedroom. He wrapped some clothes around my head so I couldn’t see him (I never did see him) and told me to take off my pants. I told him the parents would be home any minute. He told me to shut up and made me take off my pants. He forced me to the floor, forced my knees to my chest while still holding the knife to my neck and raped me. I did everything I could to stay quiet. All I could think about was little Karen in the room down the hall and how she was in danger – especially if she were to wake up and come in. He called me by my given name, I go by a nickname. I said nobody calls me that. He asked me what they do call me and I wouldn’t say. He finished his dirty deed and told me to count to 100 before I got up. I didn’t. I knew he wouldn’t hang around. I pulled the pants he had wrapped around my head off. They were the mother’s pants. He had pulled them out of the closet. I looked around and saw my handbag was on the bed and my wallet out so he had seen my license to get my name. I thought, at least he didn’t really know me. I quietly went to check on Karen – thank God she was still peacefully asleep and safe. I went into the bathroom and saw dirt all over my face. I don’t remember much after. I was in shock. I did discover that the window in the laundry room was open. I could never identify him. I remember always wondering if every man that looked at me was the one after that. That he was privately laughing at me since he knew I never knew who he was. It took months for me to go to the mall or do anything without thinking every man who looked at me was possibly the one.

      Thank you for writing such a brilliant piece, and thank you to all those who replied and for giving me the courage all these 38 years later to share my story.

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      1. It is always so hard to hear or read other people’s stories but, just like when I tell the story of what happened to me, I feel stronger. I struggled for so long after I was raped with shame because I blamed myself; I had brought it upon myself. Even the police’s line of questioning: What were you wearing? Were you drinking? Were you flirting with either of them? How many people had you slept with before this? I mean, are you fucking kidding me? I won’t even go into the horror of the rape kit. The whole experience was a fucking nightmare. If people want to know why so many rapes go unreported, you wouldn’t wonder anymore if you went through the reporting process.

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  11. This is the best commentary on the ridiculous mindset of the world regarding women and rape. You are 100% dead on that you never see an article telling men not to rape women. It’s as though they were discussing predatory animals that can’t be avoided and women must learn how to deal with that danger.

    I am standing and applauding you for the cojones to write this post!!! Sharing over and over… YOU GO, QUEEN!

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    1. On the contrary, most men are continually bombarded with the “don’t rape” message. We are very aware that we are physically stronger but we are heavily trained (and legally forbidden) to hurt any woman physically.
      Normal men don’t rape, any more than they regularly murder or rob. To say otherwise is simple misandry, much like saying that all women are liars. Neither is true.

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        1. Again, most men are VERY anti-rape, whether they are the warriors who keep our country safe or the scientists who provide technology and medicine.
          I can assure you I have no intentions to harass and annoy anyone, but this blog contains a lot of language that in other contexts would be regarded as hate speech. I doubt you can see that, which is sad, but on that note, adieu.

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          1. I’m also relieved to hear that not all men are monsters, though some commenters feel that this article should be “forwarded on to all your male relatives” or that “men aren’t told not to rape, it’s totally blamed on the victim.” This completely contradicts my experiences in undergrad, when we were regularly told that “date rape” is rampant. I can’t imagine seeing the fear or loathing in a woman’s eyes and then forcing oneself on her. Can’t even picture the scenario. But all the same,because of my gender, I’m scrutinized when I pick up my kids at day care (though they run up to me shouting “Daddy!” I still have to endure prove I have permission to see them), and I have to be extremely extremely careful not to frighten any woman at work, school, on the steers, etc.
            And hearing the phrases “rape culture” or “patriarchy” or “misogynist” on a regular basis, reading it continually in mainstream media, or seeing Obama give millions to feminist groups makes me think sometimes that we give an awful lot of our time, talent, treasure, and sometimes our very lived to.people who intensely dislike us.
            My wife assures me that most women don’t hate most men. I sure hope that’s the case.
            Probably you despise this post, and probably me personally. But don’t be afraid to let the decent men in your life know that you love and appreciate them providing for, protecting, and serving you. That they’re people too, not just wallets or guard dogs or worker drones or brainy slaves. Because chances are they hate rapists too, and a lot of men fought very hard for women in this country to have equal rights and safety. Please don’t lump the good ones, who are the majority, in with the few who are vicious and selfish.

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  12. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I get so angry at this BS, too. I was lucky enough to get away from someone who may.have been just (just?) intending to rob me, but I don’t credit my wits or any advice. Pure blind luck and instinct helped me to get away. It could so easily have gone differently. Anyone who thinks they would know what to do has not been there. I froze when that gun was put to my face. It is surreal. Yeah….he could have been JUST intending to rob and shoot me.

    Thank you again for sharing, and to Queen and others who have chosen to tell/talk about their own experiences.

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  13. This: I’m ready for the day that, instead of “DON’T GET RAPED”, society will change the message to “DON’T RAPE”.

    This is the message that I wish would just finally become the norm.

    What you wrote is brilliant. You manage to take on this subject with a good mix of humor and anger/frustration.

    I hate these emails and I’ve never wanted to punch someone in the throat so much as that terrible politician. So I applaud you turning it around in this way.

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        1. Apparently rapists just carry a Y chromosome. To say that all men are rapists is as bigoted as saying all women are entitled, dishonest, gold digging children.
          Surely somewhere in your life you met a kind, decent, hardworking, honorable man? A grandpa or an uncle, someone? If not, then I suppose your blatant anti-male bigotry is understandable, if tragic.

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          1. Who the fuck said ALL men are rapists? You’re pulling shit out of your ass. If you want to have an intelligent discussion, then I’m open. I won’t, however, engage as long as you are trying to build a fire with bullshit. I think you’re a troll and you can cut the shit or I’ll remove you.
            I am, as a matter of fact, married to an amazing man. My father is an amazing man. My grandfather was an amazing man. None of them are rapists.

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        2. You forgot the white knuckles from nervous tension, and the semen stains on their jeans from constantly jacking off when they can’t find a victim.

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      1. I did not say anything that implied that most of the men I know are rapists or even potential rapists. What I said is that the message of “don’t get raped” is still much more prevalent and accepted in our society than the message of “don’t rape.” If the opposite was true, there would never be a line of questioning in any of these cases asking a woman if she’d drank, how she’d dressed, or anything at all about her past sexual experiences. All of those questions — as well as emails, etc that are supposed to teach women how to avoid getting raped — push responsibility for the rape onto the victim. Looking at rape in categories of “legitimate” (i.e. “real”) and otherwise (for example forcible versus non-forcible), also takes responsibility away from the rapist.

        What I said is not an attack on men. I know a great many men who hold the same opinion as me–that the dialogue needs to change. And I know some women that will turn around and blame the victim.

        And while we’re at it, what is “normal?” Rapists don’t go around announcing their intentions. By telling people that they must have not known “normal” (and by that you mean non-raping ones) men, you are also trying to blame the (potential) victim. That’s an example of the dialogue change I’m talking about. Those guys I mentioned above, the ones that understand the impact of statements like that, they would never ever have responded like you have.

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        1. Rape was regarded as a capitol offense even in the midevil era. Convicted rapists in most of Western Europe were either hung or mutilated. (In many countries this is still the case.)
          The default behavior for most males is to die saving their mate, as occurred in the theater shootings in Colorado, or to lay down one’s life to rescue any female. A recent case of a little boy who drowned while lifting a drowning two year old girl illustrates this dynamic.
          The types of men who rape are unpopular with normal (“healthy” or “stable” would be a better term)
          men. Men who rape ate often bullies, violent men whose violence is often directed at other males as well. In s sense, rape is

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          1. In a sense, rape is the worst sort of robbery. Just as the vast majority of men, no matter how poor, won’t knock you down for your purse, even more so most of us strongly obey a woman’s right to say “no.”
            The biological and social taboos against rape are quite strong. I personally take great care not to oogle

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          1. I prefer activist. But I can also assure you the vast majority of men are incapable of rape.
            The few who are capable of it are reviled by other men.
            But so long as all men areportrayed as dirty, stupid, or violent

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            1. What the fuck is your issue? So, in your warped mind, when a woman states that she has been raped by a man or men, what you read/hear is she is saying, “ALL MEN ARE RAPISTS! ALL MEN SUCK! EVERY SINGLE MAN EVER BORN INTO THE WORLD IS A RAPIST”?

              You have issues. Seek professional help. Stop trolling blogs, harassing women to argue the validity of rape. Again, if you can’t rub two brain cells together to provide a compile a relevant statement or contribution to this discussion then go fuck off already.

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            1. He said that this blog would constitute hate speech! At first I thought he was being intentionally obtuse but now I think he is a genuine idiot who doesn’t grasp hyperbole or sarcasm. Meh, good riddance. Thanks for reading and participating!

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          2. Thank you for this wonderful and timely post. Dialogues need to change, or people won’t change. I am raising teens to be responsible, aware, and to take responsibility for their choices. Dialogues like these will hopefully demonstrate to the adults in our society that they need to do the same. Thank you so much!

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  14. wow….I have to say that was very informational:) I mean i’m just going to throw this out there how are we suppose to live …lol enjoyed your post very much:)

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  15. These are similar to the tips given in self-defense classes to avoid being mugged.
    Normal men neither rape nor mug. Most men would interrupt a forcible rape and would certainly punish a rapist physically; rapists in prisons are often beaten to death. (Large numbers of rapes also occur within US prisons. There are an estimated 150,000 forcibly raped females in the US and roughly 200,000 men raped in US prisons annually – which feminists largely ignore, seeing it as part of society’s punishment.)
    There are also a disturbingly high number of men completely exonerated by DNA, released about losing decades of their lives to false or erroneous rape convictions. I know of people who tape their sexual encounters to avoid this very real threat, as the Duke Lacrosse players endured.
    As far as the bumptious Mr Akin is concerned, he’s scientifically correct that fewer than 1% of rapes result in conception, however, this is roughly 40 females per month, who of course should not be asked to carry their rapists’ children. And in fact, even the Romney/Ryan camp agree to the rape exception for the rights of the unborn.

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    1. 1) Tips to avoid being mugged do not include hairstyles or fashion choices. Furthermore, you are told NOT to fight back, you are told to give the muggers what they want because, statistically, cooperation mitigates physical violence.

      2) “Normal” men rape every single fucking day. I was raped by two “normal” men. Co-workers. Friends. They were perfectly normal up until they decided that they would hold me down and take turns raping me.

      3) Don’t make assumptions about my opinion on any rape, including prison rape. I am not one of those people that cheers, applauds and hails the sexual assault and battery that occurs within the penal system. I find it abhorrent and appalling that it occurs and that people consider it to be par for the course or part of the consequences of being convicted of a crime. A rapist is a rapist is a rapist and that one rapist’s act of violence is justified and encouraged as “punishment” to another does not give me any comfort.

      4) If you know people who tape their sexual encounters without informing their partner, that is perverse and illegal in certain states.

      5) You think that the female uterus is equipped with rape detection and secretes a fluid lethal only to rapey sperm? You think Akin is correct on that or do you just not have the slightest fucking clue what Akin said—despite the fact that I directly quoted him in my post. Maybe you, like Akin, haven’t the slightest fucking clue about basic fucking biology.

      6) A 1996 study in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG) reported that “among adult women an estimated 32,101 pregnancies result from rape each year.” This study said the rate of becoming pregnant after sexual assault is considerable, estimating that “the national rape-pregnancy rate is 5.0 percent per rape among victims of reproductive age (aged 12 to 45).”

      Thanks for coming. You can go defend rapists and rape sympathizers somewhere else.

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      1. No one here is defending rapists, but according to you that includes every man ever born.
        Perhaps you need to work on your hatred. I’m glad that I married before I read blog comments like these or the ones on Radfem.
        Im sorry that you see men as such vile beings – surely you must realize we’re half of humanity?
        If I knew how some women see innocent, decent, good, hardworking, gentle males then I likely would be too suspicious to date.

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        1. Show me where the fuck I said ‘EVERY MAN EVER BORN IS A RAPIST. Fuck off. You are an fuckwit.

          You’re idiocy is mind blowing, truly. My life is full of wonderful, loving, respectful men: my husband, father, friends and they have proven themselves to be amazing role models for my 3 sons.

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  16. You are awesome. AWESOME. Andronicus is full of shit and clearly missed the point. Then re-iterated repeatedly just how strongly he missed it. Then, to highlight his fuckwitism, he just acted like a dick. A normal dick. Used in illegitimate rape.

    Queeny, I love the fact that you’re highlighting how this warning email (which I’ve received numerous times) plays exactly into the act of power, control and humiliation that is rape. Those emails just empower the sort of message that would discourage victims or survivors from coming forward because they didn’t fight back/scream/mace/quickly shave their heads bald/strike up a chat/pull fingers or wear a Kevlar Burqa lest any normal man be tempted through no fault of his own.

    I’m saving your newsletter email in my draft box and will forward it to anyone who sends me that shit again.

    Greetings from the other end of the world (South Africa).

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  17. Hello. First and foremost, I know people who have been sexually abused and am HORRIFIED that this takes place in the 2st century. I don’t mean to be disrespectful to your pain. I completely agree that the message needs to be “NO MEANS FUCKING NO” and that it needs to be clear and loud.

    I don’t want to come across as a jackass -like andronicus- for suggesting this, but still. I’d rather my mother, my sister, my cousins, my co-workers, my beautiful fiancée, to be vigilant for ANY sort of danger (not only rape) than not. Maybe being vigilant does not protect you from rape -or being mugged, or a whole lot of other bad things that may happen to you- but maybe -just MAYBE- if you’re paying attention to your surroundings you’re bette off than being distracted. Maybe your car or home has been broken into, and taking notice of this and seeking police assistance instead of going into said car or home could save your life.

    This is where I feel the email circulates with the best of intentions.

    Please don’t think that I in any way feel it’s justified to think that it’s ok to rape a woman because she is distracted. Or to place any blame on the victim because she should have done this or that, or dressed less sexy, or not go out alone, and all the bullshit you’ve described.

    In short, what I’m saying is, the world SHOULD be one way, but it IS another. And while we should strive and work hard to arrive at a society where basic human rights are respected by everyone, it’s better to keep an eye out, than not keeping an eye out.

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    1. You aren’t offensive at all. I can absolutely appreciate an intelligent and respectful discussion. Thank you.

      I am not blasting the message that ANYONE should be alert. I know we don’t live in a utopian society and there are dangers. The rape prevention tips go above and beyond “be aware of your surroundings”. These tips suggest that women have escorts with them to run errands, avoid going out before 8:30 am, etc. I think what hits these out of the park, though, is that victims of rape are still held, at least, partially responsible for the assault by the legal system and by society.

      When I reported my rape, I was put into a little room with a male police officer. Just me and him. I was young and I was completely traumatized but I had decided that I wouldn’t let them get away with what they had done to me. I was ready to tell them the story about how I woke up to two men, two “friends”, raping me. Taking turns, holding me down and raping me, while I cried and begged them to stop. I had blood running down my legs when they were done. You want to know what the police officer asked me? He didn’t ask me about what happened. He didn’t ask me how I was. He didn’t ask me if they hurt me or if they had been aggressive to me that night or before. He asked me about what I was wearing. He asked me how short my skirt was. He asked me if I had ever been flirtatious with them. Had I ever slept with either of them before this night. Was I a virgin before this night? How many sexual partners had I had before this night. Was I dancing? Was I drinking? You want to know what they were asked? What was I wearing? Had I been flirtatious with either of them before or on that night? Had I been drinking? Was I dancing provocatively? The point being, before and after a rape, the lion’s share of the fault is placed on the shoulders of the victim.

      I don’t have an issue with there being a message to EVERYONE to be alert. Be aware of your surroundings. Be observant. However, if your next door neighbor was robbed, would you think, “well, he does have a nice house and what did he think would happen when he put a box from a 72in plasma TV out with the trash yesterday? He was asking for it”. If you were mugged, would you think it okay for the cops to ask you why you would wear an expensive suit or a gold watch out in public? That is the basis for my indignation. Even after a rape, women are asked what they did to invite the rape and held accountable to a large degree.

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    2. Please forgive me, but I fail to see how I’m a “jackass,” “idiot,” “fuckwit,” or whichever abusive term is correct for saying that most men are not rapists, nor are they potential rapists.
      Please also show me where I ever even suggested rape is OK. Nowhere in my remarks did I even remotely imply that.
      What I do take serious issue with is the notion that men aren’t told not to rape. Nothing could be further from the truth. We’re bathed in that message from birth, practically, even though nearly all of us wouldn’t consider hurting a woman.
      And if any of the women here DO in fact have caring, decent, honorable men in their lives, try to think how they see the world. As men, we’re continually told how dirty, wrong, and violent we are.
      Can you see any reason why we might not appreciate that? Or why we might resent the implication that our sex organs are weapons? Or that we even need to be “told that rape is wrong?”
      Well OF COURSE IT’S WRONG. But thanks for pumping us all in with the dregs of humanity. Thanks again for reminding us how awful we all are. Thanks for portraying us all so hideously.
      We all should just shut up, endure the abuse, and work our butts off at dangerous, dirty, strenuous jobs. So worth it.

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      1. And I am sorry and I do feel terribly for victims who have to endure not just a violent assault but also insensitive, callous treatment from the police and courts.
        There obviously needs to be a real emphasis on treating victims with sympathy, compassion, and caring, rather than blaming them or having law enforcement officials treating them like a nuisance.

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        1. “endure the abuse” well, there you have it. This is why I consider you to be a jackass. You, sir, are not being abused. These women (also, MOST women) spend most of their daily lives being discriminated against. Just because they fucking failed to have an XY chromosome. A little sympathy -empathy, more like it- for their pain is in order.

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          1. Im a jackass for pointing out that calling penises “weapons,” saying that “normal men rape women all the time,” “send this post to ALL of your make coworkers,” “men aren’t told not to rape,” and other such delightful apercus are bigoted? This to you then is neither discrimination nor hate speech?
            Or are you saying that it’s perfectly fine for women to engage in abusive, hateful attacks on men, because men themselves are so awful? Perhaps that’s what you hate-crazed misandrist ladies really mean.

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            1. You are fucking tool. Do you take EVERY statement as an absolute? Do you understand what a qualifier is in a sentence. There is a difference between these two sentences:
              “Every penis is a weapon”
              “If you rape a woman, your penis is a weapon”
              Do you understand the distinction?

              Second, saying that “normal” men don’t rape is asinine when, the point being made, was “normal” is subjective and “normal” men rape women every day. You are aware that “date rape” aka “acquaintance rape” is the most common form of rape? Do you think that these women (like me) that are assaulted by their friends, relatives, dates, boyfriends or husbands do not consider these men “normal”. You keep saying “normal” men don’t rape but you seem to think that every rapist is some obvious psycho, dark, hiding, slinking in the shadows to snatch women. It isn’t the case. They are “normal”, productive, interactive members of society. They can be professionals, they may be married, they may be married to their victim, they have friends, etc.

              If you think that women speaking out against rape or discussing their experiences is “hate speech” or bigoted, please, for the love of vodka, kick fucking rocks and go troll somewhere else. I am thisclose to blocking you because you are a fucktard and you are pissing me off now.

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  18. “Rape bait” used to describe hair was funny. This e-mail can’t be serious, can it? I seriously doubt that any rapist passes over a potential victim because her hair was short or she was wearing kevlar clothes. It’s amazing what people, who know nothing, think they’re experts on these days. And half of these people are probably politicians making our laws.

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    1. It is serious, even if it is total BS. Whomever wrote thisnever used any sources, as claimed, from interviews with rapists. Someone just made some shit up, sent it around and it went viral. I have had this forwarded to me soooo many times over the years.

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  19. Its like you read my mind! You seem to understand so much about this, like you wrote the ebook in it or something. I feel that you can do with some % to power the message house a bit, however other than that, that is excellent blog. A fantastic read. I will definitely be back.

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  20. I recall reading once of a curfew being instituted on women because of the sexual assaults that were happening. Uh?????Duh???? Who should have the curfew?????
    Great post here. Well done

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  21. He needs a stiff one stuck up his ass except first the pole already there needs to be pulled out, then rammed in again. Taste of his own medicine, as they say.

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  22. I teach self defense as part of my workload for my career. I’ve taught all kinds of styles of fighting; taught the one hour common sense course up to the years, and years “here’s your belt” classes. I spend a lot of time addressing these “don’t get raped myths”…. And what blows my mind is that women push these upon other women all the time, like it’s the new Bible of being a Lady-person. When my sister tried to shove this doctrine (or dicktrine, whichever) down her daughters’ throats as a reason to tell them they have to be boring and can’t dress as they like because men-folk will poke them for being cute, I spoke up. I told them the real deal, and my sister literally blew up at me – told me I don’t know how things really work…. Uhm…yeah… except that another part of my career requires me to work with investigation into rape cases… for folks of all ages. Oh. And I can read statistics and do research.

    I agree with you, bottom line, we need to live in a society that teaches kids Not To Rape, instead of just teaching girls how not to get raped.

    Also. You’re brilliant and I agree with a lot of what I’ve read from your blog so far. Keep it up!

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    1. It breaks my heart that mothers are still teaching their daughters that the onus of rape prevention rests on their shoulders. This is why girls and women blame themselves when they are raped. This is why rape is so under-reported; because they’ve been raised to believe that there are steps that they can take to prevent it from happening to them. She needs to understand that if you teach or tell a girl/woman that there is any situation, clothing or hairstyle, she could choose in which rape is a likely, expected and/or reasonable outcome, she is perpetuating rape culture.

      Thanks for doing what you do!

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  23. Hi,

    Interesting article. I agree with the sentiment but I think perhaps you are being a little extreme. Absolutely – women should be free to parade around naked without the fear of getting raped – and it sounds like you had a truly horrific experience when you were assaulted (not that I am suggesting you were parading naked btw!).

    Unfortunately I have friends who have also been attacked – thankfully they were lucky enough to be treated with kindness and sensitivity by the police.

    The fact is that as a general rule men are stronger physically and until the day we can isolate the rape gene/mental defect women will always be at risk from the malevolent few. I believe the message that rape is wrong is given out strongly and repeatedly but for whatever reason, some men ignore the consequences. Horrific but true. You are right – as women we shouldn’t have to cover up, make changes….but the list you provided didn’t actually suggest that to be fair. It was merely trying to be informative and as women we have the right to either ignore the information or maybe adjust things in a minor way if we believe it reduces our risk without compromising our freedom. I can’t see anyone suggesting women only venture outdoors with a chaperone for example. I understand why you feel indignant – especially given your personal experiences – but I would suggest that this list is well-meaning and intended to help and inform, not control and manipulate. I disagree that men aren’t given the message not to rape – as someone mentioned above, rapists are given an incredibly hard time by fellow convicts because the crime is so odious.

    I think we all live for the day that we don’t have to glance over our shoulder but until then I will bear in mind some of the points made. Statistically rapists are less likely to attack someone they have had personal interaction with for example…if asking a dodgy looking man for the time helps minimise my risk, I am willing to take that action. And if I am attacked who knows, maybe knowing where to pinch might just save me…I am willing to accept that information with the good grace in which it was offered. I am strong, independent woman and because I feel confident in that, I don’t feel that someone offering me advice is a slight on my freedoms.

    It’s difficult to engage in a debate over this in writing without sounding too abrupt so hopefully that isn’t the case! Perhaps we can agree to disagree on this – but regardless, I thank you for writing a thought provoking article.

    Like

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