Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

50 Shades of Dafuq?

I will be the first to admit, I haven’t read all of the books. I barely read all of the first one; I just skimmed, for the most part. I don’t know that I could get myself to read through the trilogy if someone was paying me, to be honest. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought it had been written by a 12 year old boy who had found his parent’s hidden stash of bondage mags. There just aren’t words to describe the idiocy of the prose spun by this author. I mean, it is not bad, it is almost hysterical. Now, the common response I’ve received when I give my critique is, “well, no one cared if ‘Magic Mike’ had a plot” but, c’mon! Are we really going to compare these two. Did anyone go see “Magic Mike” expecting a strong plot line? Was anyone, upon seeing the preview, anticipating Oscar buzz or, for that matter, even a higher than one star review in your local paper? I’m gonna err on the opinion that most of you would answer in the negative. Now, I’m not saying that anyone cracked open the pages of “50 Shades of Grey” expecting to read a literary work of art. I’m not saying that anyone is proposing that this trilogy or any of the three of its books should be nominated for any awards. I’m just a bit surprised at the high praise it has been receiving from the general public.

I’m not going to go into the less than romantic plot line, involving the inexperienced, naive Bella–I mean, Anna and the older, experienced, worldly Edward—I mean, Christian. I’m not going to mention the references to Christian as “mercurial” and Ana’s journey across egg shells to avoid inciting his temper. I’ll leave alone the contract he has her sign, agreeing to the terms and conditions he lays out for her, as his submissive, nevermind the fact that she was a completely innocent virgin and wouldn’t have understood what it was she was agreeing to (to the tune of bondage, anal fisting, whips, punishment, even what she could and couldn’t eat). I’m not going to talk about the message that Ana achieved sexual liberation because of Christian, yet she still referred to her vagina as “down there”.  I’m not going to talk too much about the fact that Christian was a stalker and described by Ana and her friend as jealous, possessive and volatile and that this is being viewed by so many fans of this book as sexy and desirable traits. I’m going to, instead, examine it word for word,  piece by piece. This steaming pile of shit is rampant with whatthefuck.

For starters, one of the more annoying things I discovered is Anastasia Steele’s overuse of the word “Jeez”. “JEEEEZ” is just not dialogue that conjures up an image of a supposed intelligent, articulate, college educated woman but, rather, is a catchphrase that makes me imagine an annoyed teenager. Anyways, here are some highlights:

“Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow… he reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a foil packet, and then he moves between my legs, spreading them further apart. He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no…Will it? How?

“Don’t worry,” he breathes, his eyes on mine. “You expand too.” He leans down, his hands on either side of my head, so he’s hovering over me, staring down into my eyes, his jaw clenched, eyes burning. It’s only now that I register he’s still wearing his shirt.”

“You really want to do this?” he asks softly.

“Please,” I beg.

“Pull your knees up,” he orders softly, and I’m quick to obey. “I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.

“Argh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity. He stills, gazing down at me, his eyes bright with ecstatic triumph.”

This covers the first time that  Christian and Ana have sex. Christian learns that Ana is a virgin and deems it a “situation” that needs to be “rectified”. Seriously. Those are the very words the character, Christian, uses to describe Ana’s virgin status. So, to rectify the situation, he engages in “vanilla sex” to break her in before initiating her into the “red room of pain”. I almost laughed out loud when I read the “Don’t worry, you expand too” line. Seriously. I think I would have laughed hysterically if a man were to say that to me.

Also, she said “ARGH!” when he penetrated her? “ARGH”? Like Charlie Fucking Brown? Oh, and she also has multiple orgasms. MULTIPLE. A 21-year-old virgin who had never kissed a man, been with a man or even masturbated prior to meeting Christian Grey, has multiple orgasms during her first time, some with nothing more than nipple stimulation. Yeah. Okay.

“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

Yeah, this actually happens in the book. In case you arent’ sure, he is talking about his dick, of which we never do find out the name. WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR DICK’S NAME, CHRISTIAN?

“He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor Popsicle.” “Hmm… he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty…”

Yep. Yep. She is talking about his dick.

 

“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.
“No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard.”

Yeah, Ana! He doesn’t make love. He makes fuck. He makes fuck hard.

 

“Let me ask you something first. Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?”
My mouth drops open. “Kinky fuckery?” I squeak.
“Kinky fuckery.”
“I can’t believe you said that.’
“Well, I did. Answer me,” he says calmly.
I flush. My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me.
“I like your kinky fuckery,” I whisper.”

Okay, this is supposed to be a worldly, experienced, refined man of means and he uses terms like “kinky fuckery” and in a seemingly serious conversation, no less. Kinky fuckery? Dafuq?

“Why don’t you like to be touched” Ana whispered, staring up into soft grey eyes.
“Because I’m fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia”

This was funny to me because, obviously, the author thought that this line was so deep and so poignant. It isn’t.

“He’s naked except for those soft ripped jeans, top button casually undone.”

Where I come from, naked is naked. If you are “naked except for a pair of jeans”, YOU AREN’T FUCKING NAKED!

“My inner goddess has her sequins on and is warming up to dance the rumba.”

Ana makes many references to her “inner goddess” throughout this series, which is the, suddenly awakened, sex-crazed part of Ana’s subconscious. These descriptions and visualizations of this sub-character are nothing short of weird and hilarious.

“My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year old.”

I, personally, find the comparison of one’s inner nympho to a kindergartener to be a bit disturbing.

“Crusty and Cross here,’ he says and I grin. He’s still playful Fifty. My inner goddess is clapping her hands with glee like a small child.”

And again.

“He pulls up outside my duplex. I belatedly realize he’s not asked me where I live – yet he knows. But then he sent the books, of course he knows where I live. What able, cell-phone-tracking, helicopter owning, stalker wouldn’t.”

Swoooooon. Oh lawd, why, oh why, couldn’t I have caught a man who would hack my cell phone’s GPS to track me down and show up, unannounced and uninvited on my doorstep or when I’m at the bar with my friends to make sure I don’t talk to other guys? That is sooooo romantic!!

“My inner goddess fist-pumps the air above her chaise lounge.”

What the fuck does this even mean?

“If you were mine” Oh my what would I do to be his? He’s the only man who has ever set the blood racing through my body. Yet he’s so antagonizing too; he’s difficult, complicated, and confusing. One minute he rebuffs me, the next he sends me fourteen thousand dollar books, then tracks me like a stalker. And for all that, I have spent the night in his hotel suite, and I feel safe. Protected. He cares enough to come and rescue me from some mistakenly perceived danger. He’s not a dark knight at all but a white knight in shining, dazzling armor… a classic romantic hero.”

There is nothing more romantic than a man who takes your virginity one day and then acts like an asshole the next day. Mixed signals and volatile mood swings are such a turn on. Also, I can’t imagine anything sexier than being out with my friends and having a guy that I met once track my cell phone location so he could find me.

“I shrug, trapped. I don’t want to lose him. In spite of all his demands, his need to control, his scary vices. I have never felt as alive as I do now. It’s a thrill to be sitting here beside him. He’s so unpredictable, sexy, smart, and funny. But his moods… oh – and he wants to hurt me. He says he’ll think about my reservations, but it still scares me. I close my eyes. What can I say? Deep down I would just like more, more affection, more playful Christian, more… love.”

I don’t have a problem, so much, with the fact that women are getting off to a little erotica. I am just befuddled by the fact that this character has become this ideal fantasy man.  If, in the future, my daughter were to ever talk about a relationship in this way, I would be completely upset and afraid for her. No joke.

“I don’t remember reading about nipple clamps in the Bible.”

No, it’s there. I think it is in Deuteronomy. The verse goes like, “thou shalt only useth nipple clamps on the Sabbath”.

“Laters, Baby.”

Christian Grey is supposed to be a grown ass man, a straight man at that, a billionaire, and he says “Laters, baby”?  The next person that says “laters, baby” in real life is going to get punched in the kidney.

If you know of any other gems from this trilogy, please share with the class!!!

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

82 thoughts on “50 Shades of Dafuq?

  1. I enjoyed reading your post, funny as always. I have to admit that I’ve read and liked the book. Of course I wasn’t expecting it to be Charlotte Bronte-ish but it is entertaining. I’m on the second book now so I’ll tell you how it goes

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    1. I have a ton of friends that are raving fans. I know no one thought that this was going to be literary gold and I’m not offended by the low quality of the writing, I find it pretty funny, honestly. My biggest ‘issue’, for lack of a better word, is the glorification of the Christian Grey character as the “man of every woman’s dreams”.

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  2. Damn, I love your style and your literary analysis ;). Slightly on/off topic…if you have not read “The Gate to Women’s Country” by Sheri Tepper, I strongly recommend it. It is my gate to sanity when I am faced with the steaming piles of ewwwww… I would love to read your review of this book. Other than that–I could not agree with you more…erotica can be lovely, but, why does our culture immortalize abuse as if it was love?

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      1. oh wait, and I meant to add… while my daughter and her friends were all fascinated with the Twilight series, I was so happy after the movie when they all said “How can Bella and Edward be in love? They both look so miserable; they never smile!” But we are a left-of-center family anyway, since Bones and Booth are our current favorite couple…

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    1. “The Gate to Women’s Country” is also a favorite of mine, and I highly recommend it. Thanks, tensa, for bringing it into the conversation. QOTC, I am totally with you on this book and your review.

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  3. I’m almost done the third book. I’m not sure why I keep reading as most of my page turning is accentuated by head shaking and eye rolling.

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  4. Thank you. My sentiments entirely.
    I can understand having a fantasy where you’re completely controlled and overpowered –have one myself– but this book takes it too far. Girls will not see abusive relationships for what they are and be enticed by the ultimate bad-boy image. Christian is a stalker. He’s a creep. He doesn’t want control he wants her life.

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  5. Love this blog! I read the entire trilogy and was so frustrated and angry throughout it – he’s clearly an abusive person (emotionally, mentally, sexually) and everyone loves this!?? Come on! My review was just angry so it was fun to read yours with some humor to it!

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  6. This trilogy started as Twilight fan-fic, and while I haven’t read a word of it, what you wrote makes it clear that the author took Edward’s already controlling attitude and made it worse. I teach high school and read Twilight to be able to talk about it with my kids as every single one of them was reading it at one point. Throughout the entire book, I just wanted to sit all my girls down and explain that boys shouldn’t treat girls like that! I’m a bit horrified that adult women are swooning over this guy!

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  7. I’m dying of laughter over here… My co-workers must think I’m nuts! I love your analysis… I had NO desire to read these books and for the life of me could not figure out why my girlfriends were so “OH EM GEE!” about them. Thank you for this post, I now know that it would have been a waste of money & time to read this series!

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  8. As soon as I saw the update in my e-mail titled “50 Shades of Dafuq,” I knew this was going to be a gem of a post. I wasn’t wrong. LOVE your literary analysis. I haven’t read a single word of the book until this post, because as someone who’s past an abusive relationship, it makes me SICK that women look up to shit like this and make it into an ideal. I just want to shake them all until they realize that this is not okay. Sigh. At least instead of feeling despondent about the existence of the book, I can read this and laugh hysterically at just how much this book sucks.

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  9. Thank God! A voice of reason amidst all the hype and “inner goddess” shit!! I just escaped a marriage with a controlling asshole, and I couldn’t even finish the first book. Reading it made me physically ill. God help any woman who thinks a man like Christian Grey is a romantic hero.

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  10. I thoroughly enjoyed all three books. they get better as you go along but I must say I enjoyed your post even more. Even as a fan of the book, you made me spit out my ice cream. Searching for my bible now to check out Deuteronomy! “he makes fuck hard” hysterical!!!

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  11. I’m going to delete my requests on the library wait lists… after I run for the throne and stop laughing… I’d rather spend my time re-reading the OUTLANDER books, in which the sex scenes steal your breath, and the lead couple, while hot as hell and hot for each other, respect each other, and are on an equal footing…

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  12. Thanks so much. I wasn’t tempted to read it–I’m definitely a philosophical novel / plot person. But this review certainly satisfied my lingering curiosity. It’s not that I don’t like sex, or even kink. I just… can fantasize about it myself. I don’t need crappy prose to help me along. Love your style, love your thought process… keep blogging.

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  13. Words cannot even express how much you make me laugh. You have become my little comedic sunshine. I haven’t read any of the books and I was wavering back and forth. I had decided I wasn’t going to read them as from just the little I had heard, I had a feeling I wouldn’t like them. Now, I am almost tempted too, just to laugh at the obvious drivel and boatloads of crap. I won’t though, I have better things to do. 🙂

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  14. Hah hah Queenof the
    couch…I laughed so hard…I actually have tears running down my legs hah hah. U are totally awesome!!!

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  15. I did not even bother to read this crap after the disaster of “THe Hunger Games” and picking up the first book of “The Book of Mortals” trilogy, which turned out to be Christian fiction, I almost collapsed.

    I definetly would buy your trilogy! 🙂

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  16. I’ll admit, I downloaded it illegally (yes, yes I did) and deleted it after 5 SENTENCES. Seriously, I called my husband over to read sentence #3 and we both got sad because THIS is considered amazing literature? SIGH

    However, it solidified my decision to attempt a novel…if this crap can get printed then I should sure as hell give it a try.

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  17. Thank you for so eloquently writing down exactly what it is I feel. its getting to the point where so many of my friends are raving about its brilliance, I offend my friends every time I moan about it.

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  18. Thank you- you and all of those that have commented – have restored my faith in the intelligence of America. I felt like a freak for not being able to stomach more than 50 pages of awkwardness. I forced myself to read it until I got to the first sex scene, hoping for something to pull me in and well somehow the author managed to remove any hint of sexiness from the sex. So it’s back to downloading porn for me. (PS @Kosondra – Right back at you on that novel!)

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  19. I’ve already been tricked into reading the first couple of pages on Amazon because I didn’t believe the reviews about how poorly done it is. I was dying reading these gems though. As an aspiring author the success of this book is both inspiring and terrifying. I would definitely feel guilty (while I counted out hundred dollar bills) for publishing this. Has the author done any interviews? I would love to hear them talk about the book seriously.

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  20. I laughed so hard I cried by this post. Fist pump? 5 year old? WOW. There are bad books out there but this is BAD. And this author went to college? lol

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  21. I just got an email today frm my library saying the copy of the first book that I reserved maybe 4 months ago (I forgot I did that) is now mine to pick up… torn between just letting it slide, or reading it just so I can be knowledgeable when I read all the snarky posts about it… what to do…

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  22. I’ve not read them either, but keep hearing how atrociously bad they are and this was the absolute kicker. Though they could be fun to have around for reading aloud at parties. 50 shades of tard. And hey, thanks for the bible reference – I thought it covered nipple clamps somewhere but couldn’t remember.

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  23. Yes, the dialogue is beyond annoying. And man, I wrote better erotica when I was in middle school. I’m amazed it got published in the first place, let alone have so many women panting and swooning. Glad you caught the Twilight rip off too. Kind of sad, people don’t even TRY to be original anymore. I couldn’t get through the second half of the first novel, I may try again later, when I need a good laugh.

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  24. I literally laughed until I cried at this. I have only read someone else’s review and the back of one of the covers in a shop for this trilogy, so this was my first encounter with actual excerpts from the book. Oh my. I nearly have to find a copy just to see if I can actually make it through without having to stop due to laughing too hard to see any more, but then I really don’t! I love your blog too 🙂

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  25. Fabulous blog, I laughed so much. The only issue I have is that the autor of this Trilogy is making £1m a week. I mean, like “HOLY FUCK”.

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    1. I KNOOOOW! I’ve given my six year old a stack of old ‘Hustler’s” and a laptop. I’m paying him with Oreos and Skittles and I will sign my name to whatever the finished product is—I’m going to be rich, bitch!!

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  26. The more I read about Fifty Shades of Grey, the more I’m almost convinced that maybe… just maybe the author wrote it as satire(perhaps of the Twilight series) and readers are just taking it RIDICULOUSLY seriously. At least… this is what I hope. Thinking about it this way makes it more bearable. Just like how I interpreted Twilight as a metaphorical coming out story.

    Whatever I’m still sobbing for the literary world.

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    1. It actually was born as Twilight fan-fiction. The original title was something like “Master of the Universe”. To be fair, this wasn’t ever “vetted”, so to speak. It was never reviewed by any copy editor or relevant publishing company.
      I will mourn with you.

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  27. I’m not posting to attack anyone personally just venting cause im tired of seeing this crap all over the place. ( this crap as in haters hating authors) perhaps ya’ll who hate the series should write a book and get it published since you all seem to have the time on your hands and the expertise at being an author… with that said i find it very frustrating when people be-little an authors work. My cousin is an Author ( yes he has published works) and having it as a hobby myself it makes me upset to see people who do nothing creative with themselves judge other peoples work. sure it might not be something you all like ( you cant please everyone) but to sit and blog about it and whine is just ridiculous! dont read the damn thing if you dont like it- problem solved- ( just like you wouldnt watch a movie you dont like or buy a painting you hate) its a damn book meant for entertainment purposes only.. for you to escape your own world and go into a FANTASY one..( what woman wouldnt want 200 orgasms?? and kinky fuckery with a billionaire? while being innocent virgin? i mean really? hell yes!) and honestly, at least that author had the guts to write it and then go through all the hard work of getting it edited and published. I am not a huge twilight fan i have read the books, i am an avid reader.. but i refuse to dis Stephanie Myers for the sole reason that i think her books are stupid. ( her books are meant for teens not adults first off) second – that was her vision she worked really hard on, sure i dont agree with sparkly vampires (LOL) but she went to school and worked very hard on it so yes i will go see the last movie and support her work of art. If you dont like fantasy novels perhaps you should try something more like Jane Austins pride and prejudice, or North and South, Or water for elephants.. Also, since ya’ll know whats soo amazing, significant, and adult in the literary world try reading gaston leroux the phantom of the opera ( theres a damn good love story for ya, trust me its not what you expect and you cant say that one sucks Broadway says different) 🙂 cant do it??? i did in three days ..have fun with that one… 😉

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    1. It frightens me to my core that you consider yourself an author. Given the sheer number of blatant grammatical errors throughout this comment, I can totally see why you are so defensive of 50 shades of shit but I’m holding out hope that you are in elementary school.

      Furthermore, do you realize how fucking ironic it is that you posted a comment on my blog to wag your finger at me for writing a critique on someone else’s writing by critiquing my writing? So, to be clear, if *I* don’t like something someone else wrote, I need to shut my trap and go read something else. If you, however, read something you don’t like, it is perfectly reasonable for you to make a critique. Hypocrisy is hilarious. I also noticed that you expressed a dissenting viewpoint to one of my previous posts, “You Didn’t Thank Me For Punching You in the Face”. Further hilarity ensues. For the record, I completely accept the fact that, if I CHOOSE to put my thoughts and writing out for public consumption, I can’t expect everyone to blow sunshine up my skirt. Criticism comes with the territory. This author is no different. Do you think movie critics are assholes too? I don’t expect to be showered with puppies and unicorn piss everytime I publish a new blog post. The responses have run the gamut from accolades to death threats. You don’t see me squirting a tear.

      Now, don’t tell others, “don’t read the damn thing if you don’t like it—problem solved”, if you can’t take your own advice, punkin.

      You’re adorable. Don’t ever change. Now run along and go read your little picture books and let the grown ups talk.

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    2. First of all, “anonymous”, I AM in elementary school – as a teacher. I am also an English major, and while I do get the difference between formal writng and informal internet-posting style writing, yours should get a bright posty note saying “please revise”. I hope, for the sake of your gainful employment, that so you had to work very hard to collect many errors in one place.

      Second, this is someone’s blog. She’s choosing to WRITE about topics that interest her, putting herself out there for commentary by the public. If you don’t like it, don’t read it – there are thousands of bloggers out there, find one that matches your… talents.

      Third, I have all the admiration in the world for authors but I also have a brain, therefore I can form opinions about what I read, and can even intelligently share them. Under my own identity. Can you say that?

      Toddle along elsewhere… we’re done with you.

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    3. I’m an avid fanfiction reader and wrote a few in my time. So…you know…same thing as 50 Shades, just lacking the gall to pitch someone else’s character designs set in my own little sexy head cannon to a publishing company.

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  28. I read your post “You Didn’t Thank Me For Punching You in the Face” and thought it was fabulous and then I saw this one. I’m following – hook, line and sinker. 50 Shades of Abuse made me want to wretch, both for the godawful writing and for the sadism- although I eventually thought they both deserved a decent beating. You might be the writer for the job! I enjoyed this immensely. Thanks!

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  29. After reading this, I just couldn’t find the reply box fast enough.

    Very funny, and from what I’ve heard from this book, very true. I like wide open and honest reviews that pull things up from books like this.

    Unfortunately people like their reviews as they like their Asian free speech towards the cult of personality leaders *cough, Thailand, cough*. It goes a little like this:

    ‘You can say anything you like about ‘X’, as long as its good.’

    Keep up the good work girl, we need more blade edge honesty like what we have here.

    Best –

    Joe, from England

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