Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Sh*t My Kid Says

Some of the things that fly out of their mouths leave me speechless, other times they crack me up. My daughter has been the obvious protegé in the sarcasm department. She has always been funny in that unintentional way that most kids are funny but she has also had sarcasm nailed from a pretty early age. It makes me so proud. *sniffle*

My little smart ass has grown so much since this picture. She looks more like her father but takes after me in almost every other way.

When Number One was about 6 years old, we were driving home from a visit with my grandmother and it was raining so hard, there was barely any visibility. I, of course, was leaning forward with my face practically pressed into the windshield, trying to see past the hood of my car. My daughter, out of the blue, wanted to have a conversation.

Number One: At the beginning of ‘The Suite Life of Zach and Cody’, is that a real house or a fake house?

Me (dismissively): I’m watching the road. I don’t know.

Number One: Is it a real house or a fake house?

Me: I have no idea. I’ve never really watched it.

Number One (growing more and more annoyed): Mom! Just answer! Is it a real house or a fake  house?

Me: Honey! I am trying to concentrate on driving! I don’t know!

Number One: IS IT REAL OR FAKE?

Me: If you just want an answer, then I will guess real. I haven’t watched the show but I will just give you an answer. It’s real. Okay? Now, I need to concentrate.

This was followed by about 20 seconds of very obvious silence, in which I could just sense that my daughter was pissed.

Number One (with her eyes lowered and monotone voice): Do you know what I want to do right now?

Me: What is that?

Number One: I want to go home, dress up like you and punch myself in the face.

I nearly lost it. When the rain cleared a few minutes later, I called my friend, laughing so hard I was almost crying, and told her about the conversation. She laughed and said, “I’m sure she is in big trouble”. I told her that, aside from being hilarious, I was pretty sure that she had  me on a loophole, since she hadn’t actually threatened me. My daughter remained in her seat, glaring at me, increasingly annoyed by my amusement and my audacity to discuss it right in front of her.Another of her more memorable statements, albeit unintentionally hilarious,  was, while walking through the mall with my mother and sister, she asked, LOUDLY, “Why do men have nipples”, which almost sent me to my knees in laughter.

Yesterday, she tells me that one of her friends told her that the dictionary said that “the ‘B’ word” meant “a female dog” and she asked me if she was telling the truth. I told her that was correct. She looked at me, stunned and visibly excited, and asked why everyone says it is a bad word. I explained that it is the name of a female dog but it is also used as a curse word. She points to our dog, Zoey, and asks, “well, if I am talking about Zoey, I can use it”. Good try. That was a negative, though. Even if I had green lighted the appropriate usage, she would have stayed up at night thinking of different ways to work the word “bitch” into her daily vernacular. Sometimes she will say things that make  my jaw drop and set off alarm bells in my head. Until I begin an interrogation and it is suddenly put in context and all becomes right in the world. While driving around recently, she starts talking about her friends. Kim does this and Joey does that. Then she says, “And Sadie, my demon lover…”.

Me: Your what?

Her: Demon lover.

Me: What is a demon lover?

Her: She loves demons. I mean, she isn’t goth or anything but she likes monsters and demons.

Me: OOOOOOOOHHHH!

The kids may drive me nuts but they can be hilarious at times.  Also, the toilet humor starts young but boys just never seem to outgrow it, do they?

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

16 thoughts on “Sh*t My Kid Says

  1. My whole family communicates with sarcasm, to the point where I got in trouble in grade school a fair amount for sassing the other kids. But I have NEVER said anything as awesome as your daughter’s retort. I burst out laughing in public reading this.

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  2. This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read…I raised 4 sons, have to agree about bathroom humor…and somehow, they turned out to also be expertly sarcastic…I have no idea where they may have picked that up!

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  3. Oh my gosh! I love your daughter!! Hahahaha!!! That “punch myself in the face” comment was BRILLIANT! There is no way you can get mad about that. I remember when my son was about 6 and he was just learning what sarcasm was. He came home from school after a particular crappy weather day (storms all day) and he said (in an obviously sarcastic tone), “it’s pretty nice weather we are having today, isn’t it?” To which I responded… “yes, just BEAUTIFUL!” After about a 15 second pause of him staring at me with confusion, he says “You DO know I was being sarcastic and not literal, right?!?!” HAHAHA!! Just the fact that he knew the difference between sarcastic and literal had me laughing for another half hour! I love kids…

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  4. I actually laughed out loud when I read “I want to go home, dress up like you and punch myself in the face.” That is priceless! I remember asking my mom about very inappropriate things my friends would say in elementary school, not knowing how bad it was. Worse than the nipples thing lol.

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    1. I remember when I was in elementary school, probably 1st or 2nd grade, I came home and told my mom, in disbelief, that a classmate was a virgin. She froze, taken aback by my disbelief, and asked if I knew what a ‘virgin’ was. I responded, dumbfounded that she required an explanation, that a virgin was a girl that had risen from the dead. DUH!! She was completely relieved.

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  5. My second son Sean has understood jokes and sarcasm since he was two. Every day he says something that makes us laugh out loud, even when we shouldn’t be. Teachers call it “his unique point of view.”

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  6. I can totally relate to this story! I have a 11 yo daughter, who lately has been a thorn in my side. She has two teenaged sisters who have taught her the art of sarcasim. Damn them!! Recently though she had me laughing pretty hard. My 18 yo, 11 yo and I were watching TV. A commerical came on about menapause, 11 yo asked what that was. The 18 yo old explained the best should could, and ended it with, it makes them very crabby! My 11 yo looked over at me, with a smirk on her face, and then to her sister and said, “Well I think mom is going through it then, because she is always crabby.” Which of course made my 18 yo old laugh harder than she should have, but I found it just as amusing. Love them!!

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