Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

If Anyone Asks, I’m A Good Mom

I can only imagine what TV teaches my kids, including commercials.  Who comes up with this shit? I would love to sit down with whatever marketing geniuses come up with these commercial concepts and ask them one thing:

“What the fuck?”

Every paper towel commercial, for instance: The mother characters never hesitate to hand their toddler a large cup, filled to the rim with milk or juice and then they have the audacity to look surprised when it spills. Mom shrugs and laughs as she grabs a paper towel and, with one swipe, wipes up the spill with a smile and an unaffected gaze and then the dumb bitch hands the child a refill.  Hey Lady! Buy a clue! Give that child a sippy cup or, at minimum, why don’ t you consider NOT filling it up all the way. On a side note, it is laughable how spills in commercials almost always result in one manageable and easy to clean up puddle.

The ones that really get me are the commercial moms that give their toddlers and preschoolers free rein in the kitchen. They walk in to find their child covered in flour and standing in a mine field of cracked eggs, puddles of milk and any other variety of things you would find in a pantry or refrigerator strewn about the room. The mother walks in, softly gasps as she surveys the destruction and then she smiles and laughs adoringly as she grabs a couple of paper towels or disinfectant wipes, which we are apparently supposed to believe is all she needed to clean the entire fucking mess, as well as her child.  They throw the paper towel away together and then they embrace and laugh. It’s the same scenario for every cleaning product. Have these jackasses who came up with this advertising concept ever met an actual parent? Rather, have they met one who isn’t on a laundry list of anti-psychotics? This marketing strategy would be better suited for use by pharmaceutical companies. Replay the exact same scene, except, rather than paper towels, show the mother grabbing a couple of pills. Pan the camera back to the logo, “Momnesta”. Look, if I walked into the kitchen and saw even a fraction of that destruction, I would lose my damn mind. Seriously. Heads would fucking roll. The neighbors would probably hear me gasp, then the rant would begin, peppered with statements like “this is why we can’t have nice things” and “I’m just a glorified maid” and “why do I bother cleaning up”. If the magic box showed me an advertisement for happy pills that would make my childrens’ path of destruction tolerable, much less adorable, I would buy the fuck out of those pills.  I would be the first in line. In the meantime, I will have to suck it up and continue responsible monitoring and supervision of my children until that day comes —but if I got my hands on that pill, I would stock up on paper towels and take a damn nap!

Who remembers the old commercial where the mother and daughter are walking on a beach and the daughter asks the mother, “Mom, do you ever feel–not so fresh”? The mother assures her that it is a problem all women are faced with and, in a nutshell, tells her that douching is the solution.  Look, if your daughter comes to you and expresses concern that her vag is getting funky, she doesn’t need to douche, she needs to take a fucking shower.  Give her that advice, mmmkay. A little more insight: “feminine wash” is a gimmick. It is the regular ol’ soap with a jacked up price tag because these companies have convinced women that we need to disinfect our squish mitten with magic vagina soap or suffer total humiliation. Good rules of thumb:

1) If your child is out of sight and is being quiet, something is getting fucked up.

2) If your south pole starts to smell, BATHE!

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

45 thoughts on “If Anyone Asks, I’m A Good Mom

  1. Forget kids – it’s pretty much the same problem as having a husband – wait, did I say “problem?” What I meant was, kids, husband – it’s all the same. Just being in the kitchen, he makes crumbs. And puddles of water – all over the counter. And there’s nothing he can’t leave sticky. It’s like his superpower. I want two houses. One for him, one for me. We can visit now & then.

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  2. I love to be entertainingly educated by you! Just added two new terms to my vocabulary: ‘squish mittens’ and ‘south pole’. Hilarious!

    Oh, and of course I agree. When the little monster spills it usually drenches everything, tabletop, his chair, him, the floor underneath his chair, and then it usually bounces back of the floor and onto my slippers and jeans. Try and suck that up with one paper towel, suckers!

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  3. Oh, this is awesome. I just said the same thing to my hubs last night when we were watching TV and the assinine paper towel commercial came on. Actually I said something like “I will never react that calmly to a fucking mess like that, just sayin'” Those commercials make me mental. And I love that the spills never go under the fridge, up the cabinet door and all over the brand new white tshirt you just bought your darling child.
    And @Jennifer – same here. My husband never uses a plate or cutting board as he preps food. It makes me crazy…crumbs and puddles everywhere. And, honey? FYI? “washing dishes” includes wiping all the counter tops and table. Thanks.

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  4. Oh, and don’t forget when the spill goes through the table leaf crack, drips on the floor and the dog, and leaves an icky residue between the table and the table leaf. Oh, my heart is racing as I type this. Now I hate those commercials even more!

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  5. Exactly- my son who is 9 will finally clean up after himself (because he is afraid of me.) My daughter 6, is not.. and she is a whirling dervish of destruction and you can bet your ass if I have a moments peace it is because she is: A.) Dismantling the house, brick by brick or B.) Unconscious.

    And yes, ladies-please stop with the douching and just wash your ass. That is all.

    RachRiot

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  6. LMAO. Seriously. I read this on a break at work, and now my co-workers are slightly disturbed by my giggles.

    I remember the mother daughter beach bonding commercial really well. I remember thinking, ‘Why didn’t she just say to wash it thoroughly?’

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  7. If Firstborn (nearly 6) is out of sight and being quiet, it’s probably okay. When he breaks things and/or makes huge messes, it’s usually pretty noisy. Kid’s about as subtle as a train wreck.

    Secondborn (nearly 2) on the other hand… I worry when he gets quiet. It usually means he’s experimenting with sticking keys in the electric sockets, or juggling ceramic mugs, or pulling everything out of my backpack, or pulling every single DVD we own off the shelves and taking them out of their cases… just to mention some completely random, totally hypothetical examples. He once pulled the garlic salt out of the pantry and ran through the house, sprinkling it everywhere he went – and giggling, I might add. And when Beautiful Wife realized what he was doing, he immediately ran away, sprinkling and giggling all the while. When Secondborn makes a mess, he is thorough.

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  8. It seems like so many commercials are saying, “hey, if you’re an idiot, this product is for you!” Infomercials are the most blatant (dudes, seriously, folding an omelet is not that hard), but even the subtle ones can be insulting.

    I substitute taught kindergarten for a couple of weeks while I was in grad school. I made the mistake of filling a kid’s water glass all the way exactly once. And when he spilled it on himself and had to change his clothes, I told him it was my fault and told his parents the same thing when they came to pick him up. Children spill stuff. It’s their thing. And it’s probably way cheaper to clean up their spills with real towels you can wash and reuse when they spill something else tomorrow.

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  9. My dad’s rule of thumb, which I live by… “Only pour as much as you want to clean up.” And I’m with you on the “fake” mommies… Obviously the producers and writers DO NOT have children!

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    1. I know! Have these commercials actually convinced anyone that laundry is as euphoric as they try to make it seem? They pull it out, item by item, inhaling deeply and “AAAAAAHHHHHHH” . That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Laundry is my nemesis.

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  10. Ohhhh. This weekend my son spent an hour in the bathroom with his friend (we parents were upstairs having a good time and uh, did not notice the quiet), gutting out a scented candle in a glass jar and SMEARING IT ALL OVER THE FLOOR OF THE BATHROOM. By rubbing this shit all over the floor they turned it into a gardenia scented oily disgusting smear that covered the entire floor. They, too, were covered in it when I discovered them skating in it on the floor (Thank God for tattletales). The one and only time I have been speechless. I’d like to see how the makers of Bounty Paper Towel (R) with patented cheerful mom spunkitude (R) would handle this fucking disaster scene!

    PS. Childproofing your house, FTW. Who in their right mind would think a fucking CANDLE would be dangerous without matches? So, yeah.

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    1. I had a similar incident with a scentsy warmer. I learned really fast that being flameless wouldn’t stop my kids from fucking something up with it. Months later and I still haven’t been able to get all the wax out of my carpet.

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  11. Bwa hahhahaha! Have I told you lately, Madame, that you are fucka funny? That was awesome. The Seuss knock-off alone had me rolling.

    You probably aren’t old enough to remember this one, but the ladies in those vintage ads would: Hexol. A cleaning product not unlike Pine Sol, but with a twist: It doubled as a douche product! Yes, you heard me right. There was even a picture of a nurse on the front of the bottle.

    http://theliesurelife.blogspot.com/

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  12. Love it!!! I’ve been saying this shit to my husband for years and now he graciously gets to listen to me read your blogs to him. “See, it’s not just me! Here’s a little taste of reality honey!”

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  13. THanks for highlighting how awesome it is to live now instead of the 1950’s. I find it hilarious in that ad the husband felt he had to LEAVE the house for the horrific smell! too funny.

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