Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

As If I’d Pay Him

Why do so many people think that the paternal obligation and responsibility in parenting begins and ends with ejaculation? I am home day in and day out, managing the lives of four children. If you ask anyone, I am “just a stay at home mom”. As far as most are concerned, I have nothing but time since I don’t work or anything. Sure, I have four kids but I just sit at home with my thumb up my ass all day, every day. If, however, I venture outside of these four walls and leave my children at home with my husband, you know–their father–the whole world says he is—-wait for it—- babysitting.

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“Oh! Is your husband babysitting”?

“You’re so lucky. My husband never babysits”.

“That is so awesome that their daddy is babysitting them so you can get out”.

What the fuck is that shit? Look, a babysitter doesn’t contribute sperm to his charges. If my husband is home with the kids, he isn’t babysitting, he is PARENTING. When I cook dinner, no one says, “oh, I didn’t know you became a chef”. You think when I drive my litter around, anyone says, “when did you become a chauffeur”? I can promise you, no one has ever congratulated my husband on getting me to BABYSIT our kids. When I stay home with the kids, I am just doing my “job” as a mother. When he stays home with the kids, people want to nominate him for sainthood and seem to think I’m supposed to run home and pay him in blowjobs. .

Husband, of course, finds it hysterical when someone refers to him “babysitting”. Mostly because he knows it makes me want to punch puppies. Fortunately, he doesn’t expect special treatment for just being a great dad.ย  Of course, if he rinses off a plate, he seems to think I am supposed to strap on my knee pads as I arrange a goddamned ticker tape parade but that is a different blog.

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

65 thoughts on “As If I’d Pay Him

  1. THIS! I’ve heard this so often because my husband works from home and I work outside of the home… and people are always like “you’re so lucky, he cooks, watches the kids, does the laundry…” blah, blah, blah… but when it was switched and I was the one at home, nobody told him he was so “lucky”! It does make me wanna punch folks and ask them why they expect so little from Dads?

    I AM lucky that my husband is an involved parent–not some ghost Dad who only exists outside the home… but I also wouldn’t expect any less, ya know?

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  2. I almost nailed my husband to the wall the first time he referred to his getting home from work to look after our daughter as ‘babysitting’.

    I’ve been doing a lot of stuff on how mother’s are undervalued and over-scrutenised on my blog of late, never thought I’d end up getting all political on my blog, but the double standard sucks in a major way and runs through to mums who are out working as well as us stay-at-home-mums.

    Oh and btw, I added you to my blog roll last week, because yours is one of the few blogs where I simply can never ignore the latest post update email.

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  3. The funniest is when I go on my annual “girls trip” and leave him at home with the kids. The planning and preparation involved in me being gone for a long weekend is hilarious. You would think I was going off to war the way he starts panicking. First thing- He calls his MOTHER to come help, so of course I have to clean the whole fucking house before I leave so the MIL doesn’t judge me. Then I have to prepare, label and freeze several meals with written instructions on them like: Step 1-take this plastic lid off before putting in the oven (ya dumb fuck) I have to provide a detailed list of what he’s supposed to do with the kids. I go for a long weekend so he only has to get them up and off to school ONE day. He works from home. He calls me several times a day while I’m gone. Seriously? BOO HOO. Jesus..

    When he goes “hunting” for a week (ie: drink beer in the woods) it’s pretty much business as usual and we hardly notice.

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    1. OMG I do the freezer labeled meals thing too! Thats manly because my husband is useless in the kitchen and if I didnt the entire time I was gone they would live off of Velveeta Mac n Cheese, Fried Bologna and cheese sandwiches and crackers….with Kool Aide… and maybe cereal but without milk :/

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  4. This is too awesome. I’m neither married or a mom, but I’ve seen that double standard with friends of mine and even I found it irritating. I couldn’t even imagine how they felt. Now I know.

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  5. Hell yeah I am right with you!! I HATE that I even ask my kids dad to “babysit” the kids while I have something to do. I am single now & even get the No I cant. Wth??? You cant take cae of your child outside your scheduled visitaion????? Looser!

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  6. I’m always a bit confused when people say that dad is ‘babysitting’. Maybe it started off as an ironic term and then slowly bled into mainstream use?

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  7. I just think you’re unlucky that either of you have to babysit the kids at all. Isn’t that what live-in nannymaids are for? At the very least the neighbor’s super hot barely legal daughter should be doing it in between seducing everyone’s husbands.

    When my wife and I have people over; people always tell me how lucky I am that my wife cooked such a nice meal for everyone or will ask if she is going to clean up after everyone leaves. She and I just smile at each other because my wife is only cooking nice meals if you like eating poison and she will help me clean up after people leave if she doesn’t fall asleep before 9 o clock.

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  8. I’m not a mom yet (when oh WHEN will my uterus cooperate?), but my husband definitely seems to think he deserves a prize when he grocery shops, or cooks dinner. Things I do 98% of the time without fail…and I have a full time career. He and I make the exact same salary, but because I work out of our home, these running the household tasks fall to me. It’s fine, but TAKE OUT THE GODDAMN GARBAGE once in a while, eh??!

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    1. I’m trying to pre-train my fiance. Dinner doesn’t make itself, Dishes are not magically cleaned- and neither is this house. I don’t get an award, and rarely am I thanked for doing dishes don’t expect one for taking out the trash, ESPECIALLY when I have to ask. I am so glad that I have your blog to read, this way when I think I’m going f-ing crazy, I will know I’m not alone.

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  9. Okay, ummm, I love this. You are awesome for saying these things and giving us a place to vent/rant. I have decided to just allow my husband to be the DAD to our kids, like I am the MOM to our kids. Of course, this means that my kids are very hungry when i arrive home from school some nights and he has to pay for takeout sometimes which he does not have to do if I am home, but I can not lose my mind just because he does not have one. If he is incompetant at home, it does NOT reflect on me. He is learning. ๐Ÿ™‚

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  10. My turn to rant…he’s an awesome totally engaged dad now but when the kids were little he was kind of useless. His excuse? “When they were little they were really hard to look after”. No shit Einstein! It was hard for me too but you didn’t see me whining about it because IT WAS MY JOB TO BE A MOM and choosing to have kids means that you don’t get to check out when it gets hard.

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  11. I can somewhat relate to this, although I can’t complain. About the only time my husband falls down on the job is on weekends when I’m gone; somehow it’s beyond him to do laundry AND dishes AND watch two little girls (which I do every day all summer; I’m a teacher). But during the week, he is usually the one cooking dinner, and we both help with dishes and laundry: if your hands are free and the washer’s free, go you! ๐Ÿ™‚ Helps that he was a bachelor for a good long time before we got married and he has never once referred to his being home with the kids as “babysitting”. But lots of my friends have to deal with the “babysitting” double standard, so I sympathize.

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  12. I nearly freaked out when I saw my friend’s husband write this as their facebook status: “I have babysitting duty all day today”. I was going to write “oh really, you mean you are taking care of other kids besides your own today? BECAUSE YOU CAN’T REALLY MEAN THAT YOU ARE BABYSITTING YOUR OWN KID, BECAUSE THAT IS CALLED PARENTING”. I decided to be cool about it instead and ignore that status message. I still bitched about it to my sister later in the day.

    Thank you for your blog, you nailed it.

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  13. Whatever. I am lucky if I can get my husband to babysit for our kids. We both work, but I chose to be a SAHM for a long while and it was my job to tend to our children. If he had a long day I did not expect him to babysit. Instead, I thought it would be good for him to get out a few hours at night and unwind. If he couldn;t babysit for me when I needed to run errands, I got my mom to do it.

    Whatever works for your family is what works, you know???

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  14. I have to agree with Wozzle. I officially love you. I have had this conversation with so many mothers. Their husbands or children’s father will bitch about having to “babysit” their own kids. I have been fortunate enough that I have never heard those words out of my ex’s mouth. He is a great father and takes great care of his kids. However, people do tell me how fortunate I am that my girls have such a great dad (and yes, I am fortunate). Those same people never tell him how fortunate HE is that his kids have such a great mom. I remember someone once asking me where the girls would be on a particular weekend and I said, they’ll be with their dad this weekend. The person replied, he’s babysitting them ALL weekend? My response was, No you jackass, a parent doesn’t “babysit” their own children. The really funny part was this was a dad who children I babysat while he and his wife were at work!!! Anyway, just wanted to say, I love your blogs, I look forward to each new one. You say what I always want to say, just better and with more color ๐Ÿ™‚

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    1. I know. It makes me crazy! He watches the kids for an hour and he is getting a key to the city. I carried them for the better part of a year, had 3 cut out of me and pushed one out of my vagina and people are still patting him on the back, saying “good work”. WHAT? Pull down his pants and tell me why he is getting the “good work” pat. His contribution to bringing them into this world was a fucking orgasm but, I digress…

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  15. I totally love this article.. You nailed it right on the head! I don’t allow double standards in our house. My husband has to help with the child he helped create. I wouldnt stay with him if he expected me to do it by myself. Im setting an example for my daughter not to accept chauvinism or double standards by not accepting them myself. Its something that has gone on long enough through history. Men arent the only ones earning money anymore, so they have no right to expect women to do the home stuff too. Its disgusting when I hear of familiies that the husband and wife both work full time earning money, but the husband gets to come home and sit on his ass while his wife takes care of the kids and the home, after working a full time job as well. Don’t tolerate it and it will stop happening. One way or another…

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  16. i can completely relate. It makes me even more crazy when the husband tries to soothe my pissed-off-ed-ness by saying “i was just kidding” when in reality he’s not and now I have no right to be upset that he doesn’t take his parenting responsibilities seriously. I’m the bad guy for getting upset that he considers his shared role of parent as a part time job. I’m just supposed to do everything because I’m the mom. No special thanks needed. Thank you for the post. Makes me feel a little less insane for wanting to be appreciated.

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  17. Wow, how did I ever get this lucky? I started my postgrad degree when our little monster was 6 months old. During the course I went away on research trips for weeks at a time twice, and hubby just took over. Like that. No extra pat-on-shoulder needed, no comments on how lucky I was.
    I did get the ‘How can you leave your baby alone?’ comment though. To which my answer was: But he is not alone, he is with his dad. It sure was tough on ME though, but we all survived and it was worth it.

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  18. Hi I am Kim’s Husband using her profile to comment after she told me to read this… well i can say, i completely agree with you in the fact i find it aggravating that I am referred to as Babysitting my son when my wife homeschooling all day and some people would consider her just hanging out at home unemployed. When you are with your child or children you are Parenting. Its obvious that there is a problem with the way women have been portrayed and their roles in the family and what all they are “Required” to do based on their gender. Don’t get me wrong i love watching my wife spending time with my son but i envy staying home and teaching him the things I’ve learned over the years.
    BTW: Who are they who set up these rules?
    Answer: Sad to say men of the past. i just hope that my generation understands that this should change, since our kids will be the ones who reap the rewards.

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    1. Kim is super lucky to have a man who accepts and appreciates his role as a parent and what she does. My husband laughs at the double standard, as well. At this moment, he is visiting his family (in another state) with Numbers One and Two and he doesn’t say he is “babysitting” across state lines, he is parenting and taking his son and daughter out to make memories with Daddy.

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  19. Oh, don’t get me started. Single mom here. First question people ask when they find out about my mom status is: “Is the father still involved?” When I say yes, they act like he should get some sort of gold medal for taking his daughter 1 or 2 days a week.

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  20. “”If my husband is home with the kids, he isnโ€™t babysitting, he is PARENTING””.

    Completely agree! Also, when both of us were working full time, my rule was: we both do our own laundry, it’s only fair. And bless him, he went along with it!

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  21. “Of course, if he rinses off a plate, he seems to think I am supposed to strap on my knee pads as I arrange a goddamned ticker tape parade but that is a different blog.”

    This almost made me spit chardonnay out my nose. Because it’s funny–and because it’s my life too. The whole “babysitting” thing chaps me, too. I’m glad my husband thinks it’s ridiculous as well, or we’d have a problem.

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  22. My husband and I both work, and I hear comments like this too. And when I had to travel for work people would actually ask who was going to take care of my son. Ummmm – his father?!?!?! Just the way I do when Dad is out of town.

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    1. I get that question from my parents ALL the time! I mentioned I was thinking of taking our oldest away for a weekend on a mommy and daughter thing and my mother almost died when I suggested my husband was capable of watching our son for the WHOLE weekend! :/

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  23. I can’t stand that either, I’ve never understood it. Unfortunately, my husband thinks he’s doing me a favor any time he “watches the kids for me.”

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  24. Ah sister, you have NO IDEA how much this hits home. As the one who’s been working for 7 years, the comments I get about HOW LUCKY I am that my husband will stay home for the kids and make this sacrifice for my career BLOW me AWAY. How about every woman I know who stays home? Who says that about them? It’s a bunch of crap.

    (PS I am appreciative. But everyone acting like my husband is the second coming gets old, fast.)

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  25. You are so funny and so right. Knowing there are wymyn like you and men like your husband makes me smile. My daughter and her husband are parenting three beautiful children and he is in it with all he has. I appreciate him because so many men think they are babysitting. He is a true partner to his wife and a responsible father. I rest easy knowing this. I look forward to the emails from your blog and you make me laugh and nod my head in agreement. Peace

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  26. So great. I HATE this too! My related most-hated thing: When a husband does some cleaning or housework it is often referred to as “helping” me at home. WTF? It’s not a personal favor to me. Its called: you live here too and the dishes need to be cleaned.

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  27. As a stay-at-home dad two a baby and a 3-year-old, I feel your pain. Sometimes I get the ol’ “Mister Mom” comment. rrrrgggghh

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  28. This is my BIGGEST pet peeve!! I am a stay at home mom of 4 girls plus I teach 2 days a week at a Mothers Day Out Program. My kids range from 14 years to 15 month so life is very busy, entertaining & exhausting. This happened just yesterday to me. My husband stayed home with our babies while I took our 9 yr old to her basketball game. I left my teenager home to help. Wow!! They text I was receiving. Asking me where the hell I was at? When I got home they hadn’t had breakfast & my youngest was in a poopy diaper…who knows for how long? Then my hubby tells me that I owe him labor for watching the kids?? I need to make up those few hours by working on his truck or doing outside chores?? Seriously?? Why do men think this way?? Everything I do is with my kids I don’t ever ever get me time but all he gets is alone time. How do you change their way of thinking?? Make them realize they are being a dad not doing me a flipping favor!!
    Frustrated in Oklahoma

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    1. I hear ya, sister! My husband broke the habit some time ago, after having his ass handed to him on a few occasions. He learned pretty quickly that his job didn’t end with an orgasm. It’s not just men, though! I hear women say it all the time, too. Even my own mother, a mother of 4, has made comments about my husband babysitting. It didn’t go over well when she said it either.

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