Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

My Calgon is Broken

I have taken dozens of bubble baths over the last couple of weeks and when I open my eyes I am still sitting in my tub in my fucking bathroom. Want to know what else is in that bathroom when I open my eyes? A bunch of little people, staring me down, with questions or demands.

“What are you doing?”

“Can I take a bath?”

“Can I play on the computer?”

“Can I watch TV?”

“Will I have a big butt like you one day?”

“Your wine shakes all over when you cry.”

I can barely remember what it feels like to go to the bathroom without a captive audience.

My children can be completely occupied but they will drop everything and magically appear the moment I walk into the bathroom. They can be in a different room! With the door closed! They will appear out of thin air to demand snacks or kick my self esteem down a couple more pegs. I had figured out when Number One was a newborn that the sound of me relaxing caused children to go batshit crazy. It didn’t take me much longer to discover that children also have a psychic link to a mother’s bladder that compels them to her side anytime it is being emptied.

Number Four is adorable–light of my life and all that jazz. He has, so far, been the easiest baby of all four. It is amazing what he can sleep through, too. Number Three can raise hell, all four dogs can be barking at the suspicious presence of oxygen in the room, the television blaring, the vacuum running—none of it disturbs his slumber. Things that will wake my little angel from a deep sleep: my hand turning the bathroom doorknob, me lifting food to my mouth and the sound of me gently laying my head on a pillow. I shit you not. He will, however permit me to lay down and get some rest, so long as he is allowed to sleep at the breastaurant.. I have agreed to his terms.As much as I love Husband, I have fantasized about the part time privacy I would acquire through divorce. Ahhhh, a girl can dream.

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

61 thoughts on “My Calgon is Broken

  1. Sitting down on the toilet seat seems to have the same effect on our toddler as a dog whistle on, well, a dog. Total empathy with you there.

    And also on the co-sleeping thing. It just isn’t for me and I have tried, I love the fantasy of us all cosy and snuggled up, but usually if I manage to deal with it for more than a couple of hours, it means I’ve been crawled over, kicked, elbowed in the head, poked in the eye and generally tortured to the point of tears by the never. ending. wrigggling. that. drives. me. to. despair.

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  2. Right there with ya, sister. I haven’t pooped in peace in years. I can lock ’em out but the little fingers still taunt me under the door. As far as the Calgon, I guess these days we are supposed to snort it to get the desired effect?!? Who knew?? “Calgon, take me away!” To the E.R.!

    http://www.rachriot.com

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  3. I used to think that sitting on the toilet was like kneeling in the confessional. A little light would go on outside the door – and the whole f’in family would know I had a minute to sit down and they would all need something.

    Honest to God, True story. I was alone with #2 baby. He fell asleep in his rock-er-roo on the kitchen table. I went in to pee – I didn’t even get my slacks past my knees – KABOOM! The little angel had taken a swan-dive off the table – still bucked into the damned protective shell – A necessary Emergency room trip, one hysterical momma, no call to DSS. Whew!

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  4. Bahaha, “raise food to my mouth”, that is a flippin’ true fact, sister. I feel I will also never be able to have a phone conversation without the sweet sounds of, “momm, mama, mom, mom, mom” at the bottom of my feet. If you find solace without divorce or any kind of locking mechanism for the doors, let me know!

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    1. The lock would only work if it were at the entrance of a sound proof room. Otherwise, they stand outside the door calling me over and over or crying like I have abandoned them, never to return.
      I have the same experience with phone calls. I have all but given up on outside communication.

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  5. Unfortunately, my kids never outgrew this…the husband is bad with it and so is my cat! Any time I go in the bathroom they all need me for something. There have been times where I forget to fully close the door and all of them are in there wanting to talk to me! Crazy!! I hope you have better luck (:

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  6. Hilarious!!! I can so relate to this!! Love the big-butt line, my youngest reminds me almost every day that I have a big butt! Really?? WTF did I ever do to her?! LOL

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  7. Yup…pretty much the same in my house with the addition of the phone…if ever I try to speak to anyone on the phone, the most urgent/loud demands are made of me. I DID divorce my husband so that I could have every other weekend and half of all holidays off. It kinda worked but not so well that I would recommend it as a lifestyle choice. Especially not now that him and the new wife have fucked off to live in the south of France and I only get Easter and half of the summer holidays off.

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  8. ironically, my three year old decided to wake up as i was reading this…and hour before she normally gets up. yep, my calgon’s broken too.

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  9. locks on the bathroom door! please put locks on your door, yes there will still be notes slid under for your immediate attention, and they can still knock//bang but it does get better, I promised.

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  10. This was the story of my life until I made it a RULE (yes, it requires caps because it is *that* important) that when I am in the bathroom I am to be left alone to do whatever it is I’m doing in peace. Need something? Ask daddy. Hungry? Wait it out. Need to pee? Go to another fucking bathroom.
    The RULE states that any annoying, unnecessary and non-emergency interruptions will have CONSEQUENCES. As in grounding, loss of privileges and confiscation of electronic gadgets could occur. I shit you not when I say I take my *me* time very seriously.
    Works like a fucking charm.

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    1. Caro, that’s what I like to hear! Yes, it is possible to set your boundaries! You said what I dare not, for I have learned that advice, however well-intentioned, coming from me as a non-parent, has, well…CONSEQUENCES. Rock on witcha bad self!

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  11. Haha… I will never forget sitting on the kitchen floor in a swamp of my own snot and tears, sobbing, and telling my husband I wanted to leave him so that he would get joint custody of the kids so that I could have time to myself.

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    1. HUGE upside to divorce! I have more me time than ever!
      I know better than to expect alone time in the loo. Get gin get out. Don’t play. It’s what i tell them, I guess it should be my rule too!

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  12. My biggest problem is with my 6yr old. I swear like you said in the other room with the door closed and on the other end of the house. I get up from my room go into the living room saying nothing but have in mind to go to the bathroom and every time he will come out from where ever he is and go in there. we have one bathroom right now so this really don’t work for me at times. Plus he takes forever. Poor kid one day he did this and I had to go so bad I couldn’t wait anymore. He saying but I have to. I reach down grabbed him by the arm pulled him so he would be standing stuck him in the hall and gave him toilet paper and the trash can said wipe and closed the door. I couldn’t help it. he got so upset and mad he was telling my husband when he got home mommy threw me out of the bathroom and. He thought he was joking I would never do such a thing. I was so fed up with him running in there EVERY time and and taking forever. I started showing my husband and he seen what i was talking about he couldn’t believe it.

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  13. Yep. It’s okay as long we’re in large rooms – living room, kitchen, maybe one of the bedrooms. Then the rest of the family will remain peacefully scattered and pleasantly occupied with their own activities.

    But if I go into a bathroom (the smallest rooms in the house), I will immediately be joined by two boys, the Beautiful Wife, and both cats. All entirely coincidental, of course.

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  14. It will get better…however, there will still be moments that the kids (and husband) will bother you while you are in the bathroom. What makes children think the right time to have a conversation is the moment you unbutton your pants? Did we torture our mothers like this?

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  15. I had no idea so many parents dealt with bathroom interruptions with their kids. Makes me think back to if I ever did that with my parents…and frankly I don’t remember. Maybe once or twice I’d knock on their door to ask for something but I don’t think I made a habit of it. Eish…I hope I didn’t! I don’t want karma to come back to bite me. *Scribbles on piece of paper: Ask Mom if I ever hounded her during her bathroom time*

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  16. HA HA HA HA HA! Couch Mom, you’re a funny lady! You’re like Erma Bombeck, except with a MUCH more interesting vocabulary.

    All I have is cats, but it’s the same damned thing with the bathroom. They think I’m going to fall in and drown, and then who would feed them?

    But, fear not, this too shall pass. All too soon, you shall have all the private time and silence you ever wanted, and then some, as you sit up late waiting for one of the teenaged buggers to come home safely…

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    1. AAAAAHHH! I live in fear of the teen years! I have friends with teenagers and it is like waiting your turn to be waterboarded while you watch it happen to everyone ahead of you in line. My kids will be perfect, right? It won’t happen to me!!

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  17. LOL, my little one isn’t talking yet, but I’m constantly fantasizing about being able to go to the bathroom in peace. I don’t think people realize how stressful it is (particularly if you’re dealing with some stomach issues!) to try to wrangle a baby/toddler while sitting on the toilet 😉 I’m trying to keep him from eating the toilet paper, he’s trying to move my legs so he can see what is in the toilet (yeah, fun!) I knew I’d lose a lot of things when I became a mom, but I never realized how much I’d miss peeing in private 😉

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  18. I LOVED this! The few times I have attempted a bath, I not only have two kids bugging me but also two cats trying to figure out what the hell is going on in their favorite bed (the bathtub, WHY???).

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  19. This is excellent. I really hadn’t considered the fact that other parents go through the same thing. I used to close the door to the bathroom and lock it but they would just stand outside the door hollering at me for something or other. I finally gave up on locking the door. Yes, children do seem to have a “mom’s going to the bathroom” radar. My other favorite, “Mom’s on the phone, let’s ask her a bunch of questions”. Good to know, I’m not the only mom who goes through it.

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  20. I totally related to the bathroom thing. We have two in our house but my son wants to use mine whenever I am walking to it. I take him to school just so I can poop and shower in peace. And the phone is like the most amazing thing to him when I am talking. He wants to say hi to everyone and tell them what a “cute baby” he is and what the cartoon on TV is doing right now.

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  21. OH, an my kids just wait until they hear the shower going, so I can’t tell what their muffled voices are saying to me through the door. When I finally turn the water off so I can hear what the hell they are saying it’s something like, “can I have a Coke?”. They’re father’s sitting in the other room on the computer completely available to answer this simple question. WHAT THE HELL??? AAAHHHHHHHH!

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  22. My cats have the same issue with bathroom doors. I leave the door open when not in use, but the second I sit down, I hear *scritch scritch scritch*.. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been able to pee without a cat clamoring for attention.

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  23. My bathroom is the invisible room. If I am in there I am invisible and therefore unable to be reached for questions or help (unless someone is seriously hurt)…. It took both kids a few times to realize what I wanted, but it stopped all the community trips to the bathroom…. Now if the cat would only follow this rule as well LMAO

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  24. My third child (3 y.o. boy) just asked me yesterday, while I was seated upon the throne, how I pee without a penis. If there is any dignity in motherhood, I have yet to experience it.

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      1. Those must have been tough times indeed! How did you manage to keep it together? Or does the pregnancy super-strength apply to dealing with emotions too?

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    1. I may have a bias, because I happen to like my ample, lush tush, and admire same on other women…but there are a couple ways to play this. One: Just tell the kid “Yes, darling, except yours will be even bigger!” or you can say “I certainly hope so” or “Only if you are very, very lucky.” Embrace the Tushie!

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  25. LMAO! If I ever dare have a bath or shower while my 3 girls are awake it turns into a one in all in. Can’t count the amount of times I have been happily washing my hair only to turn around and find all 3 girls in the shower with me! Now I shower when they are asleep!
    Also, love the “breastaurant” comment. Too funny!

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