Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

I’z Gonna Be A Lady Someday, Though I Didn’t Know When or How

Recently, I have been researching and working hard on reforming myself and becoming a bona fide lady.  I think I am making major progress! Prior to learning how to look and act like a lady, I would wake up and put on sweats or cotton gym shorts and a t-shirt to prepare for a day spent inside the house, taking care of my litter of children. Now, however, I wake up, do my hair and make-up and put on a nice dress, heels and pearls. Okay, so that is an exaggeration. I just put on my dressy (i.e. not stained or ripped) yoga pants and tank top. If I am leaving the house, especially if I am dropping by the kid’s school, I will put on my dry weave coordinating workout ensemble.  See, the latest in stay-at-home mom/lady fashion is to always look like you are on your way to workout, even if you have no intention of ever breaking a sweat.I have been speaking very softly, like a lady speaks. I try not to think too hard, unless it is about what kind of sandwich I should make, and I don’t do anymore of that opinion having. I am coming to understand that if I want men to say they are interested in my brain, I need to nickname my vagina, “brain”. I’ve also been watching my language, in order to sound more ladylike. For instance, I don’t say I “fuck” my husband anymore. Now, I “make fuck” to my husband.  Like a lady.

Apparently, a lady does not tell others when doing her kegels. With this knowledge, I have stopped announcing to anyone within a 20 yard radius that I am vagi-cizing.

When I drink, like a lady, I drink wine.  That way, when I get totally drunk, I am “lady drunk”, which is classy.  I mean, to be fair, just  holding a wine glass makes you appear 30% less drunk than holding nothing or holding  any other drink container. That is just a scientific fact.

It seems, being a lady requires various cocktails of prescription pills, which I do not yet possess. That is on my “how to become a lady” to do list.

I am kicking ass—I mean, rear end–on the path to ladyhood. I am making lady lessons my bitch—I mean, my female dog. Now, I am going to put on a bra (because, if you can believe this shit–I mean, mess– ladies wear bras all the time!) and get ready to get lady drunk later. *curtsy*

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

53 thoughts on “I’z Gonna Be A Lady Someday, Though I Didn’t Know When or How

  1. You also might want to practice snootily looking down on more working class women in the neighbourhood, take the kids to the playground/beach/forest in heels and having your next child through a surrogate.

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  2. I love the comment about the wearing the workout clothes. You are SO right. Every stay at home mom I know wears workout clothes every day and only a couple of them are gym goers. Of course, I can’t bash them – because if I could wear yoga pants and a tank top everyday… I definitely would!!

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  3. I love reading your blog, it makes me happy. I also love swearing and find it inane that friends always make comments about it. Um, hello? I like to drink and swear. Plus my brother is a sailor (Navy), which makes it extra acceptable.

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  4. Your blog is my guilty pleasure. I keep wanting to share things on Facebook and half my church is on it….could not help but share a couple and cross my fingers when I bump into the old ladies at church. Who knows I might be actually giving them a gift when they read your blog.

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  5. Naming my vagina “brain”. Brilliant.
    To get my boyfriend to pay attention to me I’m going to name my vagina, “iPhone”
    I’ll let you know how it goes.

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  6. Well I for one find you a shameful example of a lady. Real ladies do not use the “V” word. Everyone knows that the only acceptable word to use is “ladyflaps”.

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  7. I want to thank you for your humor, sarcasm and wit. Without it, I fear, my days could get pretty boring. Plus, if I need a laugh, I always know where to go. You can thank BreakItDownPete for introducing me to your blog. Which is probably one of the best I have read. I love your absolute straight forward attitude. It’s refreshing to find someone who doesn’t cater to the whims of other peoples opinions. Perhaps as I continue to read your posts I will learn how to do the same. Forget all the assholes who have nothing really valid to say. Attacking you for posting something on your own blog is idiocy. I can only think of very, very few reasons someone should ever take offense to something posted on someone’s blog. I’ve had family members post negative shit about me on theirs and while it pissed me off, I just stopped reading it. Anyway, I will put a stop to the word vomiting and just say, congrats on being you.

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    1. Thank you! The attitudes that I am supposed to kowtow to those who don’t like my style or word choices is mind boggling, to say the least. I’m going to have to check out BreakItDownPete because a few people have mentioned the site.

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  8. I think this is one of the most well written and certainly among the funniest things I’ve ever read, anywhere…I’m still laughing my “behind” off, and I’ve read it three times (making sure I didn’t miss anything)…You go, “Ma’am” and good luck with that Ladyship thing!

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