Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

How to Train Your Husband

Eleven years and four children later and Husband has a pretty good handle on MOST things.  He cooks, he helps with laundry, he has no qualms about changing shitty diapers, he even takes no issue with handling all the kids so that I can have a weekly wine night with the girls.  All in all, he is pretty awesome, HOWEVER, at least once a week, sometimes more, I am dumbfounded at some the tasks that he seems to find so daunting or impossible or even downright mistifying.

The other day, it had been raining throughout the day and I had gone to the nail salon to get a much-needed pedicure while Husband stayed home with Number Three and Number Four.  About half way through the pedicure, my phone rings.   I answer Husband’s call and he asks if I am going to be home before the kids get out of school in 20 minutes.  I tell him that I will not be finished before then.  He says, “well, the kids can’t walk home in the rain so we need to pick them up.”

“Okay, pick them up”, I tell him.

“Well, I have Number Three and Number Four with me”, was his response.

Me:  “And?”

Him: “You want me to just take them with me?

Me: “Well, yeah.  You know they are portable. You can  take them almost anywhere!”

Him: “Uhhhh.  Ummmmm.”

Me: “Those fancy seats in the back seats of the van with all the buckles are for them.  Just buckle them in and then drive the 20 yards to the end of our street to pick up Number One and Number Two and come right back home.”

Him (sounding confused): “Um, okay.”

Evidently, Husband has been under the misguided notion that I have been running this operation with a secret nanny or a team of magical fairies to manage accomplishing errands like grocery shopping with our litter of kids.

A secret nanny would be nice, come to think of it.  Actually, I would rather have a secret laundry doer.

I see this subject becoming a series–stay tuned.

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

48 thoughts on “How to Train Your Husband

  1. We also have 4 kids and it’s only now that I find out Wifey doesn’t have a team of fairies helping her with diapers, meals and homework. Who knew I was supposed to lend a hand every now and then? Well, gotta go now. Twitter isn’t going to check itself.

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  2. When my son was about 8 months old or so, I came back from a much-needed Me Time outing (which had probably lasted all of an hour, given that I was nursing) to find a big pile of dog crap on the floor. Naturally, I inquired why it was there and why on earth my husband hadn’t cleaned it up. His response? “I couldn’t! I had the baby!”

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  3. Hilarious. I once left my husband with our three girls while I traveled for work. When I left the house on Monday, I started the dishwasher. When I returned on Thursday, the clean dishes were still in the dishwasher. (And there were no dirty dishes in the sink, which told me they ate out for every meal… awesome.)

    When I asked why he never cleaned out the dishwasher, his response… “Uh, duh. Because I had the girls.”

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  4. Um, if you have 4 kids, you must be totally friggin loco.

    And you should cut Hubby some slack for not flipping out every single day, and I don’t need to hear your sob story about how hard it is. You HAD those kids, so stop your complaining and enjoy YOUR decision.

    Get off the internet and take care of those kids so they don’t end up being jerks.

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    1. “You HAD those kids, so stop your complaining and enjoy YOUR decision.”

      Maybe you stepped out of sex ed in high school, but you know it takes two to tango, riiiiiight?

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  5. I think this is hilarious! Men can be so dumb sometimes!

    ..and the previous comments from that Gregory guy.. I think if he doesn’t like YOUR opinion, he should quit reading YOUR blog and get on with HIS life!! just sayin’

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  6. LMAO – Great Stuff!!! I’ve heard all that and of course the more that follows…and for Willaim and “Gregory Hughes III” are you fucking kidding me??? …. lmao Gregory Huges III….is displaying your name like that simulate the same thing as men driving Hummers…find a man’s blog you losers!

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  7. Well I don’t have a problem with what your writing! That said and dare I say this, but I know a few women way worse then men!
    But the “G” guy is totally wrong, it was you and your hubby that had the children and unless he working like a gazillion hours a week, he should be by all means helping out!
    You both should be doing your share for “your” children as well as for yourselves!
    I use to get up to take care of my son and daughter in the middle of the night so my wife could sleep. Not doing some of those time periods I was working 2 jobs.

    Well Take Care and Have A Great Day!

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    1. I have nothing but love for my husband and respect for the fact that he provides for us so that I have the OPTION of staying home with our children. (For the record, Hubs and I are both USAF veterans and I was an Air Traffic Controller in the USAF–I have the training to make a killing of a living but I choose to stay home because my amazing husband affords me the opportunity to do so). His shift requres him to get up at 4ish AM to be at work at 6 AM and he works 12 hour shifts. I sleep in the other room with Number Four so that he doesn’t have to wake up every couple of hours and isn’t exhausted. When he is home on his days off, he picks up my slack from having a nursing infant and then some. I wouldn’t trade him for the world–the little things that I tease him about (and blog about) make both of us laugh.
      Thanks for reading and getting my sense of humor.

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      1. Hmmm all humor aside, no: dad shouldn’t be “helping out” nor “babysitting.” Dad should be “parenting.”

        Also, Why can’t the kids walk in the rain? Did you give birth to cotton candy?

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        1. Few things frustrate me more than when someone asks or says that a father is “babysitting” his children. I’m with you. My husband isn’t one of those and takes an active parenting role, though he does leave the breastfeeding to me. 😉

          The day in question involved a pretty serious thunderstorm with flash flood warnings, actually. They have walked to and from school in the run-of-the-mill rain plenty of times.

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      2. I am sorry for some of the ignorant comments you have received. I totally understand how great it is to vent even if it’s just your blog.
        Why do people like G H III read your blog to begin with??? Oh wait maybe he is too afraid to present his opinion of how woman should act to his wife if he has one so he is picking on you. Well typical insecure, self absorbed, clueless bully with no decency and terrible language.
        I just wanted to let you know that I enjoy your posts and thank you and your hubby for your service! I am an army wife so I know the life quite well 🙂 All the best to you and your family!

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      3. You are both wonderful. I chose to stay home with my three girls and Daddy provided for us. It was a beautiful situation. My daughter just had her third child, first boy, in August. They both work and he is a wonderful father, doing whatever needs to be done whenever it needs doing.

        Men who change diapers change the world

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  8. really digging your blog, have even added you to my blogroll! and i usually avoid blogs where people talk about their kids cos I can’t really stand kids but you at least do it in a funny and captivating manner.

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  9. To clarify I was asking if she was going to be swinging by the school to pick up the kids on her way home. Not realizing pedicures take three hours!

    I have not ran into a single daunting task in my life! Except for of course being married to thequeen! :p

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  10. Greetings from South Africa! This is the second post I am reading from you and I am sold! I am raging feminist, sometimes a little radical. What with having grown up with 3 sisters, 4 aunts, a mother and a grandmother around me. I adore and appreciate The Woman for all the work she does to keep homes intact, nurture families and still find time for that much needed pedi. Men like Gregory (the 3rd?) need to come to themselves, step back and appreciate the strength of a woman with 4 kids, a husband and a super incredible blog! You rock QueenOfTheCouch.

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  11. I don’t think you need to justify or explain yourself Queen. “House wife” means general manager and CEO of a very important corporation- your family. People who don’t understand that need to get married- or learn how to properly manage their marriage/family as a team.
    My husband is the same way- very willing to pull his end of the housework load and supportive over all but rendered useless if given more than 1 thing to do at a time. I laugh about it and think perhaps he’s onto something. I tend to make many mistakes during the day as I run around trying to get several things done at once but he sure washed the HELL out of those dishes- the pots were actually sparkling.
    Maybe multi tasking isn’t all its cracked up to be.

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  12. I only have one and my soon to be hubby can’t handle her for two hours until I get home from work. I don’t think there is any hope for me.

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  13. LOL you sound like my wife. I try to help out as much as I can with the kids and I am chief shitty diaper changer in my house due to my wife’s extremely strong sense of smell. I swear that woman could smell a fart from 10 miles away! There are some days I’m sure she thinks I’m clueless lol. Sometimes i like it that way shhhhh!

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    1. He He Ur right but husbands have also has same sense, infact some have more than women. I have seen them from my own eyes.
      It is only excessive blind love which makes blind. 🙂

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  14. and the fact that you moderate your comment section merely proves my point. “i don’t want anyone who disagrees with me to have a voice.” is what that says to me.

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  15. Queen,
    Kudos to you and your husband for being willing to raise four human beings! I couldn’t do it if you paid me…unless it was enough to hire nannies for each child…and a surrogate. 🙂 Beyond that, I have multiple men in my life that I love. My father and step-father are good men, but completely clueless when it comes to family. Two of my best friends are male. One of whom has a 20-yo daughter, 17-yo son, and 13-yo daughter. Although I don’t know the son well, i do know he is brilliant and talented. The two daughters I know better and they are AMAZING people! My other male best friend has a daughter that just turned 1. I talk to him through chat almost every night while I am on lunch at work. And he almost always has her with him. So men that are good parents are not as rare as many think…but they are not as common as they should be.

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  16. I have 2 but work an average of 45 hours a week, hubby works evenings and weekends, he puts in more hours at the job, I get that, but it’s a struggle to get him to fully understand why I’m so fucking exhausted! Great man and wouldn’t give him up for anything but we are still a long ways away from them really getting it, there’s still an expectation of women to do it all. The kids challenge me constantly and the housework is never-ending! It’s nice that you have the opportunity to stay home, I did for the first year of the first born but honestly couldn’t hack it full time. You’re a fucking amazing woman to do it! Sometimes I think I work just to escape… I found your blog on a FB post and now think I’m hooked, thank you, it’s refreshing and I can connect with your writings!

    Like

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