There is more than one way to skin this cat. I admit, I have little patience for bullshit, HOWEVER, I usually do a good job of masking my desire to torch a kitten and put my head through a wall. Give credit where credit is due! I know that instances that puzzle me or piss me off would garner the same reaction from every other normal person. Here are a few guidelines for being a positive presence in normal society:
- Let me begin with an act that, albeit well-intentioned, is extremely irritating. Let me paint you a picture: You are walking into a store or mall or any other public building and, as you open the door, you notice that about a quarter-mile back another person is headed for the door. You, vying for the “good Samaritan” award, decide to hold the door open for the stranger in the distance. What you may not realize is that you have now obligated a stranger that is half a football field away to haul ass to the door to avoid seeming ungrateful for the gesture and to ensure that your good deed is not carried out in vain. I didn’t come to McDonald’s for a cardio workout, dammit! For future reference, unless the person is less than 5 feet away or doesn’t have arms, you are relieved of your self-imposed position as door valet.
- That brings me to my next topic–elevator etiquette: For starters, let people OFF the elevator before you get on. Second, it is, actually, VERY rude to practically hurdle over the stroller in front of you, even if it is a reflex brought on by the intense fear of having to wait for the next elevator. Unless you are in possession of a human organ that is about to expire, wait in line like every-fucking-body else. Also, going back to my first point, don’t hold the elevator for people who are more than ten steps from the doors. On the other hand, don’t be an asshole and start punching the door close button when people are right behind you.
Finally, and most importantly, have you been wondering if that woman next to you in the checkout is pregnant? Are you dying to ask her? Don’t! A good rule of thumb is, unless a woman specifically states that she is pregnant or you see an infant dangling from a woman’s vagina, NEVER ASSUME PREGNANCY. If you really want to ruin a bitch’s day, ask a woman who is not pregnant when she is due. If you want to make bitch want to jump off a cliff, find a woman who has just had a baby, rub her belly and ask her when she is due. If you are really quiet, you can hear what is left of her self-confidence shatter.
What would you add to this?