Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Ways to Ruin a Bitch’s Day

There is more than one way to skin this cat.  I admit, I have little patience for bullshit, HOWEVER, I usually do a good job of masking my desire to torch a kitten and put my head through a wall.  Give credit where credit is due!  I know that instances that puzzle me or piss me off would garner the same reaction from every other normal person.  Here are a few guidelines for being a positive presence in normal society:

  • Let me begin with an act that, albeit well-intentioned, is extremely irritating.  Let me paint you a picture: You are walking into a store or mall or any other public building and, as you open the door, you notice that about a quarter-mile back another person is headed for the door.  You, vying for the “good Samaritan” award, decide to hold the door open for the stranger in the distance.  What you may not realize is that you have now obligated a stranger that is half a football field away to haul ass to the door to avoid seeming ungrateful for the gesture and to ensure that your good deed is not carried out in vain.  I didn’t come to McDonald’s for a cardio workout, dammit!  For future reference, unless the person is less than 5 feet away or doesn’t have arms, you are relieved of your self-imposed position as door valet.  
  • That brings me to my next topic–elevator etiquette:  For starters, let people OFF the elevator before you get on.  Second, it is, actually, VERY rude to practically hurdle over the stroller in front of you, even if it is a reflex brought on by the intense fear of having to wait for the next elevator.  Unless you are in possession of a human organ that is about to expire, wait in line like every-fucking-body else.  Also, going back to my first point, don’t hold the elevator for people who are more than ten steps from the doors.  On the other hand, don’t be an asshole and start punching the door close button when people are right behind you.

Finally, and most importantly, have you been wondering if that woman next to you in the checkout is pregnant?  Are you dying to ask her?  Don’t!  A good rule of thumb is, unless a woman specifically states that she is pregnant or you see an infant dangling from a woman’s vagina, NEVER ASSUME PREGNANCY.  If you really want to ruin a bitch’s day, ask a woman who is not pregnant when she is due.  If you want to make bitch want to jump off a cliff, find a woman who has just had a baby, rub her belly and ask her when she is due.  If you are really quiet, you can hear what is left of her self-confidence shatter.

 

What would you add to this?

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

12 thoughts on “Ways to Ruin a Bitch’s Day

  1. My favorite comment about my weight had be when a woman commented on how grateful I must be that my children are tall and skinny like my husband. I swear if the kids had not been standing there, I would have decked her. I did say that short and round would work too!

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  2. God, I just came across this and totally relate with that last one. In the past couple of months I’ve had no less than 3 different women ask me if I was pregnant. I know I’ve put on a few pounds, but give me a break! I have the self-confidence of a gnat at this point… but a very ANGRY gnat. Because I’m the sort of person who is silently furious for a while until it builds up and eventually my head explodes. I fear the next person to ask me if I’m pregnant will have to deal with the very awkward sitation that arises when I reply, “No, I’m just overweight, though apparently YOU’RE an insenstive asshole!”

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  3. Coworkers who invite themselves to sit down with me when I’m on a lunch date with my smartphone, so I “don’t have to eat alone”. How about a big dose of leave me the freak alone so I can catch up with my real friends 😉

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  4. I work retail so, at my heaviest, I would get the whole “oh are you pregnant?” “when are you due?” “Do you know the gender?” spiel all the time. If I didn’t want to keep my job I’d just wear a sign that says “fuck off, I’m just fat.”

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  5. Your comment of people pushing past a stroller to get on the elevator struck a chord with me. My daughter uses a power wheelchair and, on a recent visit to NYC, I was pretty much at my wits end helping her navigate through the oblivious crowds. In Tiffany’s, we were waiting for the elevator and when it came a women pushed by us and got on. I said “Seriously? Is that the kind of person you want to be? The kind that steps in front of the wheelchair?”
    She was appropriately chastened.

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  6. Thank you so much for being honest and funny. Your blog came to me in passing and I love it!!!! You say the things most people think but don’t say. Never let assholes censor you and keep up the fabulous work.

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  7. I just LOVE when I can see a car at a stop sign in the opposite direction and I’m no where near mine, but they sit and wait for me to get there! Fuck that asshole, I’m not gonna sit and wait for them to go, I just blaze through that shit cuz that’s what they obviously expected me to do anyway, right???

    I also particularly LOVE when I’m waiting to merge and some asshole knows I’m just waiting for him to pass, but at the last minute (after waiting 5 fucking years) they turn!!! So I could have BEEN gone!! This is why God invented blinkers, dumbfucks! USE THEM!!!!!!!

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