Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

My Uterus is NOT a Tracking Device

No one in my household seems capable of finding anything on their own.  Every single one of them from my toddler up to my husband comes running to me every. single. time. they can’t find something.

“Mommy, where is my Woody hat?”

“Mom!  I can’t find my homework!”

“Babe, where are my work boots?”

Who doesn’t enjoy wearing a styrofoam cowboy hat and giant steel toed boots, while doing fifth grade math?  I just wish I had the time!  As it stands, the family either feels that I have found time to dress up in all of their shoes, underwear and socks and I regularly hide the remote immediately after they use it or they feel that my uterus doubles as a tracking device.  Either way, they are wrong.

What is even more frustrating is that 99% of the time, their inability to locate these items can be explained by nothing short of complete laziness.  It is almost always inevitable that I will break down and look for the missing item(s) and, almost without fail, it will be in plain sight, within a foot or two of where the child or my husband is standing.  IT IS RIGHT THERE!  IN FRONT OF THEIR FACE.  Yet, rather than exert all the energy and burn the calories it would take to turn their head 45 degrees, they prefer to stand in the middle of the room or the end of the hall and yell, “MOOOOOM!  I CAN’T FIND IT!!”

Truthfully, a lot of times, I can tell them exactly where their missing item is because I just happened to have seen it or watched where they put it.  Yet, sadly, I could give them an exact location, complete with coordinates and they would still not be successful in their search.

My son will ask, “Mom, where is my Buzz Lightyear?”

Me:  “I saw it in the playroom.  By the big chair.”

Him: “It’s not here.”

Me:  “Yes it is.  I just saw it there.”

Him: “No, it isn’t!”

Me: “If I come in there and it is by the big chair, I am going to put it in the trash.”

Him: “Okay.  It’s not here.”

I walk into the playroom, where he is standing beside the chair looking down blankly.  I move a blanket that is by his feet and, lo and behold, there is Buzz.  Evidently, the act of moving the corner of a blanket 4 inches over was far too difficult to attempt.  It is hard to decide which is more difficult, putting shit back where it belongs to avoid these incidents or making an actual effort to look for items that have been misplaced.  It seems that my family all believe that if they know the general vicinity of their missing item, all they should be required to do is stand in the middle of the room, perhaps turn around in a circle once or twice and the item should magically appear.  Somehow, they are always shocked to see me find something with what appears to be very little effort.  It is like they are witnessing me teach them how to pull a rabbit out of their hats over and over and they just can’t figure out how am I doing it, despite the step by step demonstration.  Maybe Number Four will be my organized child.  Yeah.  There is still hope.  Right?

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

3 thoughts on “My Uterus is NOT a Tracking Device

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