Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Halloween Candy Heist

You know, I don’t think I am an unreasonable person.  Every year, on Halloween, I get the kids into costume, including makeup, and I take these hellions on the tour of the neighborhood.  Last night was no exception.  Even though I am 200 months pregnant, I took these hellions to every house within a 30 mile radius.  True story.  When we got home, they dumped their stashes out on the living room floor to take inventory and trade with their friends.  I simply told them, in my nicest mommy voice, “if you have Butterfingers, they are mine”.  They looked at me like I had just instructed them to cut off  their thumbs.  Number Two got really upset, as was evidenced by the protruding lip and the tears that began welling up in his eyes.  Number One handed me a Butterfinger and sweetly said, “Here you go, Mom.  I only have one but you can have it”.  I was touched until I noticed about 10 more stashed behind her back.  If she had pulled that with anyone else, I would have been proud.  I had to come to terms with the fact that they weren’t going to willingly share.  I knew I could handle this one of two ways:  I could just say “I’m the mom and I will take whatever I want”.  I could even pepper in comments about the length of my labor or threaten to show them my scars.  My other option was to be creative.  It would have to be Door #2. 

We have all heard the urban legends about razor blades, nails and needles being hidden in Halloween candy.  It has been around for ages.  When I was a kid, my mother would allow us to trick or treat but we were not allowed to eat any of the candy, for fear we would ingest a razor blade or be poisoned and die.  I remember the year I was allowed to have my candy was because the hospital was x-raying the candy for free.  Seriously.  This story is the premise of my entire plan. 

I decided to tell the kids the stories about strangers hiding razor blades in Halloween candy and that I would need to inspect it all before they could cram it down their throats.  I told them, by the time they get home from school, I should be done and will be able to let them have all the “safe” candy back.  It would buy me some time so I could get what  I needed to make this happen and it would easily carry over year after year.  I planned it out.  I would go to the store and buy some razor blades and put them in a few pieces of candy.  I can’t have them calling me a liar!    I wanted to be able to provide proof.   My plan is fool-proof!  The BUTTERFINGERS ARE MINE!!  MINE!!  (insert evil laugh)

UPDATE:  I couldn’t find razor blades.  Do you think this is convincing enough?


I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

3 thoughts on “Halloween Candy Heist

  1. I came across your blog post (that went viral) on freshly pressed today and I can’t stop reading! Your humor is outrageously funny. You just got another subscriber!(Y) And you are Not unreasonable 😀


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