Let me just start by saying that when I typed out the title to this post, I realized that “boy” looks really weird. I guess it became apparent for the first time because I spelled it multiple times, side by side. I was saying it in my head as I typed it and that only added to the realization of what a funny word it is; BOY, BOY, BOY, BOY, BOY, BOY, BOY. But I digress…
I am getting closer to evicting Number Four and, with each passing day, the realization that I am going to be a mother of four, including 3 BOYS creeps up on me and punches me in the face. First of all, as soon as I find out what causes this whole pregnancy thing, I am DEFINITELY going to stop doing that! I have had a few theories but, so far, I have ruled most of them out. Anyhoo, back to the fact that I am adding yet another vat of testosterone to this household: I am scared.
My oldest son, Number Two, is five years old. Number Three is two years old. Number Four will be born within the next few weeks. I have had dreams, or rather nightmares, about what my future holds with three boys, this close in age.
-More penis conversations. As it stands, Number Two feels genuinely sorry for me that I don’t have a penis. He has expressed his sincere condolences for me on multiple occasions and stated his hopes for me that I might grow a penis one day. Apparently it is the only way he can see that I can achieve true happiness. I assume that, like Number Two, Numbers Three and Four will also wonder one day soon where my penis is, why I wasn’t given one and may even feel genuine pity for me like their brother. I have had to field countless questions from Number Two about my penis, or lack thereof, and listen to countless observations from him about his own penis and he went through a phase, around 3 years old, where he just wanted to be naked and let it all hang out. If you were a guest in my home, you could pretty much be guaranteed to see him pant-less.
-My home is going to smell like a gym sock. I grew up with brothers. I have friends with older boys. For some reason or another, no amount of air freshener or candles, soap or cologne seems capable of masking, much less neutralizing, the locker room aroma that evidently permeates from the pores of pubescent boys.
-Peeing outside. I don’t even get this. Why do little boys like to piss outside? Number two LOVES to pee in the backyard. I don’t even know where this came from. He just started asking me recently if he could go outside to pee. He gets really upset when I say no and when I have allowed it, you would think I had just given him an early Christmas present. I never had this with my daughter.
May the force be with me. I am afraid. Very afraid.