Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Things No One Told You About Pregnancy

All I ever heard, prior to having children, was that pregnancy was miraculous/beautiful/amazing.   Then I got pregnant and was forced to discover, all on my own, that it was all a cruel trick–an obvious line of bullshit that proved, once again, that misery loves company.  I’m going to lay it all out for you.  This is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

  1. Morning sickness”– This could strike at any hour of the day.  Some women won’t experience it, at all.  Others will feel a wave of nausea or throw up once.  Others will spend all day, every day, with their heads hung over the same porcelain bowl that accommodates various asses throughout the day. 
  2. Kiss those pretty pink areolas buh-bye!  Your nipples are getting a makeover!  Hope you like brown.
  3. While I am on the subject, you should also know that they are going to get a lot bigger too.  Those pretty little, dainty nipples you were previously sporting are now going to be visible from space.
  4. Stretch marks can happen at any given time during pregnancy.  I know so many women that have said, in the seventh or eighth month of pregnancy, that they felt lucky to get away with no stretch marks.  Then the stretch mark fairy comes to visit.  Other women think that they managed to get through pregnancy stretch mark free, only to give birth and discover that the underside of their belly (the part they couldn’t see) looked like they had been bull whipped.  You can slather your belly and ass in all the cocoa butter and vitamin E that your little heart desires.  It won’t keep you from getting stretch marks.  If you don’t get stretch marks, you can thank genetics.  If you tell me about how you don’t have any stretch marks, I will kick you in the taco.
  5. Pregnancy hormones can make you feel like you are going crazy.  You will cry, at least once (probably more), for no discernible reason.  I have been resigned to ripping out my husband’s jugular with my bare hands because he didn’t take out the trash before leaving for work.  In a matter of a second and a half, I can go from laughing and feeling great and then, without warning, I want to burst into tears and half the time I don’t know why I am crying.
  6. Pregnesia– Forgetful doesn’t begin to describe what pregnancy does to your brain.  Last week, I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items for some snacks, as I was having a few friends over.  I paid for my groceries, walked out to my car, loaded up my two-year old and headed home.  I didn’t even realize for at least another half hour that I had not brought a single grocery home with me.  Nope.  I had loaded up my toddler and pulled out of the parking lot, leaving my bags in the grocery cart.
  7. You are probably going to pee in your pants, at least once.  I promise.  Whether it is because you laughed hard, sneezed or cough, rest assured, you are going to end up with piss in your pants at some point.  Don’t worry, most women regain full bladder control.  With my second pregnancy, I may or may not have gone to L&D, convinced my water had broken, only to be informed by the doctor that I had just peed on myself.  Ahhhh, memories.
  8. Your vagina may stop bleeding for nine months but your facial orifices are going to start!  The extra blood volume necessary to support you and your baby is going to cause some fun stuff!  My nose, for instance, bleeds at the drop of a hat.  In the morning, in the evening, in the middle of the night; at any given time, blood just starts pouring out of my nose. It is best to also be prepared for all the blood you will see every time you brush your teeth.  Every time I finish brushing, it looks like I slaughtered a small animal in my sink.  It is soooo sexy.
  9. I admit, feeling your baby move inside of you for the first time is indescribable.  It is amazing.  Then they get bigger and stronger and they get lower.  There is nothing like walking through the store and suddenly being paralyzed for a split second because your precious gift from heaven just gave your cervix a head butt.  It is like getting shocked with 5oo volts of electricity in your vagina.
  10. You gain weight everywhere.  Even if it is only due to temporary bouts of water retention, you are most likely going to experience a day or two of swollen sausage fingers and cankles. 

The “joys” of pregnancy, for me, are fairly few and far between.  I hate being pregnant, truth be told.  I spend the majority of pregnancy being absolutely miserable.  Now, before you get all sanctimonious on me, let me finish!  I am not a fan of being pregnant but, considering the fact that I am doing it for the FOURTH TIME, I obviously feel that the end justifies the means.

Are there any things that you wish you had been told about being pregnant?

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

11 thoughts on “Things No One Told You About Pregnancy

  1. I really wish someone would have warned me about the constipation. I would have liked the heads up that I’d never be able to poop again so I didn’t end up sitting on the toilet for hours at a time sobbing thinking I was dying or something…Only to make a trip to the ER so the doctor on call could basically laugh at me and tell me to drink more water, eat some fiber and stop straining so much or next time he’d probably be tucking my asshole back up where it belonged. Oh, on that note. Hemorrhoids. Yum. :-/

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  2. OMG, this is all the stuff I tell newly pregnant girlfriends. The nipple thing was the best. I say mine are now worthy of National Geographic, like those African women with inch long nippkles that would boggle my mind when I saw them in the magazine as a kid. LOL

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  3. I too am pregnant for the 4th time despite the wretchedness that is pregnancy. Just one more things I wish I had been told:
    1. That you’d get so backed up you’d pray for a stomach bug JUST so you could clear out your colon.

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  4. 11. Heartburn. I had to sleep on a wedge pillow for six flipping months to avoid acid reflux.

    12. You will lose some of your favorite foods. My daughter is 14, and I STILL cannot eat canned Parmesan cheese because when I was pregnant with her, the smell scent me running to the bathroom every time.

    Having said this? I loved being pregnant.

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  5. Oh I can relate. Especially to number 1. I was frequently threatening to kick in the teeth of the person who had coined the term “morning” sickness. A little later I wished death on everyone who had ever tried to convince me my morning-lunchtime-afternoon-evening-and-night sickness would be over after 3 months. I think I couldn’t brush my teeth for the entire 9 months lest I would have puked into the sink, thus defying the purpose of the exercise. At least that prevented me from slaughtering small animals in the sink I guess.
    As to stretchmarks, I suppose it helps when you have a child late in life (although that comes with a whole range of other difficulties), and having been fat earlier in life. That way at least the pregnancy doesn’t add much.
    Oh, and I hated that, in the end, I was constantly hungry but couldn’t eat more than a kid’s portion due to stomach shrinkage. Ugh, I was practically stuffing my face 24/7. That must have looked attractive, too.

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