Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

I’m Being So Careful But Still Gaining Weight Like an Elephant

I cannot figure it out.  Yeah, yeah, I know–I’m pregnant.  I’m “supposed” to gain weight.  This is ridiculous, though.  My arms look like giant stuffed sausages and my neck has even gotten fat!  Don’t even get me started on my ass.  I have been super careful, though.  These other pregnant women who are in their third trimester and have barely gained ten pounds make me want to go on a postal rampage.  Why am I inflating like a Macy’s day parade float?  My calves have stayed skinny, so I look like a potato on tooth picks.  I am afraid my femur is going to shatter under the weight.

Self portrait. My arms aren't skinny anymore, though.


For the life of me, I am baffled.  I am drinking my weight in water.  Though, truth be told, I am peeing every12.6 minutes, so water retention is not the issue.  Okay, I admit, I have a MAY-JAH sweet tooth and I indulge those pesky cravings, pretty much, on demand BUT I take every opportunity to mitigate the impact of those indulgences.  For instance, I am obsessed with—I mean, this fetus is obsessed with Nutella.  So, if I sit and eat an entire jar of Nutella, I cancel out the calories with a diet drink.  No problem.  If I decide that I want to bake some Oreos inside some chocolate chip cookies and I eat half a dozen,  I make sure to eat them one at a time so that I am forced to get up off the couch and walk to the kitchen to get one and then all the way back to the couch.  With that much exercise, I should be burning into a negative calorie count.  I mean, my couch is AT LEAST 8 steps from my kitchen.    My husband helps too because, at times, he will see me eating an ice cream sundae and will say, “I thought you wanted to watch your weight” and I can literally feel my body temperature rise and my heart start racing, right before I start crying hysterically and calling my friends telling them about how he just looked straight at me and called me a repulsive fat bitch (he gets upset and swears that isn’t what he said but I heard what he meant to say).  That is calories burned!

He'll regret saying that.


If I am just going to blow up like a blimp regardless, I am not going to continue putting such effort into responsible eating habits.


I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

7 thoughts on “I’m Being So Careful But Still Gaining Weight Like an Elephant

  1. Haha! Look at it this way, if you breastfeed after the baby’s born, you burn 500 calories a day. That’s a plan if I’ve ever heard one!!! And I love Nutella, and eat my weight in it on occasion and I am sooo NOT pregnant.


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