Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

I know I have touched on this before but it bears repeating.  Sometimes I have to wonder if some people are just complete and total idiots or if they are just complete and total assholes.  The things people say, in general, often baffles me but the things people say to a pregnant woman are mind-boggling.  Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t limited to the general public or even friends and family; the things my husband says often make me want to kick him square in the coin purses.  Grab a pen a pad, class.  You need to take notes.

  1. Are you having twins? – Gee, thanks!  I was under the mistaken impression that my weight gain wasn’t abnormal.  Now, thanks to you, I realize that my ass has grown at an alarming rate and that the only logical explanation that you can fathom is multiples.
  2. Are you SURE you’re not having twins? Maybe they missed one! – Look, asshole, I told you that I had an ultrasound and there was only one heartbeat and only one fetus.  Thanks to you, I am fully aware that I am a certifiable heifer but it is NOT because there is a hidden twin in my uterus, it is because I ate an entire pan of brownies and washed it down with chocolate chip cookies stuffed with Oreos.  HAPPY NOW?!?!
  3. You are getting HUGE! – Why is it okay to say this to a pregnant woman?  Would any of you non-pregnant people appreciate this being said to you?  Why do you think that just because I am pregnant that I should be okay with, much less flattered or excited by, having my weight thrown in my face every other day?
  4. I HATE that name. – I really don’t give a fuck.  Have your own baby and name it whatever the fuck you want.  Also, don’t offer me a list of acceptable alternatives.  I don’t care if you hate the name I have chosen and, NO, I don’t want to pick Joseph instead because you love Joseph.  If you want to name your baby Tutu Fairydust, I could not give less of a fuck.
  5. You’re not supposed to be drinking that Dr. Pepper- Kiss my ass.  I will drink whatever the fuck I want.  Whether I want to be reasonable and drink a Dr. Pepper every day or if I want to drink a 12 pack a day, it is none of your fucking business.  Cram it.
  6. Haven’t you had that baby yet? – Asking this question should be grounds for justifiable homicide.  If I had the baby, would I still be pregnant, dumbass?  Do you think I gave birth and crammed the baby back into my vagina because being kicked, having back aches, not being able to breathe, not being able to sleep, having swollen feet and fingers, sweating bullets when it is 50 degrees and having everyone express surprise at how fat your ass is getting is so much fucking fun?
  7. Four kids?!? That is going to be hard! – No shit, Sherlock.  Here I was thinking that the reason three was hard was because of the odd number.  My theory is that with three, one of them is the third wheel and THAT is the reason I have to do so much parenting.  Now that I am adding a fourth, the numbers will be even and they will pair off and take care of each other and I can get on with my life.
  8. How are you feeling? – Like complete and total shit, that’s how I am feeling.  I am fat.  I am waddling.  My legs hurt.  My feet are swelling.  I have to pee every 34.7 seconds.  I can’t sleep.  I can barely breathe.  I am beyond exhausted.   My back hurts.  My feet hurt.  A tiny human is beating the hell out of me from the inside.  I AM MISERABLE.  Most likely, however, I am just going to tell you “I’m fine” because people expect you to blow sunshine and rainbows up their skirts and tell you about the magical wonders of pregnancy.
  9. Don’t you just love being pregnant? – Brace yourself:  No.  Actually, I do not enjoy pregnancy at all.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the end result but I do not enjoy being pregnant.  I completely understand that there are countless women that have struggled with infertility and/or experienced losses (I have several friends that fall under those umbrellas) but I don’t see why that means that I have to learn to love being sick, being swollen, being sore, being fatigued, as well as the additional symptoms I have experienced as a result of having Lupus and Secondary Sjogren’s, like coughing up blood, severe anemia, preterm labor and all the medications that come with that, kidney infections, etc.  Suck it.

The following are things and expectant father should NEVER say to his pregnant wife/girlfriend:

    1. Are you really going to eat another cookie/brownie/bowl of ice cream? – Why don’t you just call her a fat bitch and start mooing?  If you value your life, you will offer to get her that sixth brownie that she is eyeballing.
    2. My back is killing me. – You really are barking up the wrong fucking tree.  You really don’t know the meaning of discomfort until you have experienced the third trimester of pregnancy.  You will be hard pressed getting any ounce of sympathy from me.  Your aching back can be fixed with a little pain pill.  My achy back requires that I eject a tiny human from my body and I don’t get to pick when that happens.
    3. Why are you so tired? – You really want to pull at that thread?  I can tell you exactly why, in great detail, if you want to know.  Better yet, why don’t I wake you up every time I wake up to pee or because the baby kicked too hard or because I got a Charlie horse.  Let me know how well rested you feel.
    4. You should get more sleep. – Well, that is a genius fucking idea!  Why didn’t I think of that?
    5. Why are you being such a bitch? – Run.  Run for your life.  Best case scenario, she is going to launch into a verbal tirade, the likes of which you have never seen; giving new meaning to “bitch”.  Worst case scenario, you are going to die.
    6. (Insert name) looks GREAT for having three kids! – OH NO YOU DIH-ENT!!  Shit like that will get you killed when I am not pregnant.
    7. What did you make for dinner? – Well, I made myself a brownie hot fudge sundae.  You can have whatever you want.

Other useful tips:


I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

43 thoughts on “Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

  1. Bahahaha! I loved this! I always hated the stupid ass questions people will ask a pregnant woman. Especially the twin comment. It was all I could ever do not to knock a bitch out. Instead I’d just go home and sit on my couch sobbing while I ate a half gallon box of ice cream. Nothing makes a pregnant woman feel better than to have some random person basically tell you that you are a lard ass. Now that I have kids I am amazed that people STILL ask stupid as questions about my parenting/kids/home life etc. I’ve actually had people ask me if all of my kids have the same father. @#$@$#% It never ceases to amaze me.


    1. Oh my gawd! Stay tuned because my next blog is going to be on the father question based on a recent experience at my doctor’s office.
      Seriously, though, nothing makes me feel better than when people see me and their eyes get as big as dinner plates as they exclaim, “YOU ARE HUGE”!! Good times.


  2. You have me rolling on the floor! That’s all I can say. It is also refreshing to read a blog where the author lets it all hang out and says exactly what’s on her mind.


  3. I HATED the comment about “are you having twins?” I know that yes, when I was 8 months pregnant, I looked like I needed my own zip code. But with modern technoligy as it is today, a 2nd baby is rarely missed. So yes, being only 5’4″ and having a 9.6 oz baby, it is completely NORMAL to look like you swallowed a beach ball.


  4. OH my Gosh!!!! It’s like me when I’m pregnant! I also HATE it!! But, I do love exaggerating my eye roll, right before I walk away at stupid people.


      1. Heres a few my pregnant wife comes across while bartending………
        – wow! Ur tits are looking great!
        – I need another beer here!
        – can I get a glass of milk with that beer!
        – can i buy u a drink?
        Seriously can these dudes be any fucking stupider?


  5. Oh – this is priceless. I got the twin comment with #1 and I’d answer “No, I’m just fat”, which was great because the comment always came from strangers who were left wondering if I was pregnant at all.

    Now, I get, “So you have 3 boys and none of them look alike.” I have been practicing the response, “What is it you’re trying to say?” The odd thing is that, although #1 is dark and #3 is fair, they BOTH look a lot like their Daddy (and a wee but like me). They are our bio-kids. And, um, #2’s birth parents were Asian, so, yeh, we’re all quite aware that he doesn’t resemble his brothers. But the implication I’m a cheating slut is appreciated.


  6. THANK YOU! Srsly, thank you so much. “Most likely, however, I am just going to tell you “I’m fine” because people expect you to blow sunshine and rainbows up their skirts and tell you about the magical wonders of pregnancy.” This is so far beyond true it hurts. I HATED being pregnant (I have two), in fact, I’m pretty convinced that by the end of my second pregnancy, when I had to order my groceries over the internet because my back was so far past the pain barrier I could barely leave the house, I had developed Tokophobia (fear of pregnancy/childbirth). It’s not really a socially acceptable phobia to have, and now I’ve managed to put nearly seven years between me and my last period of self-loathing, I can talk to a visibly pregnant co-worker without constantly feeling I want to be sick/run and hide. I even managed a ‘congratulations’ when she told me, although I’m hoping my hesitation and fleeting look of horror went unnoticed.

    Really though, thank you for saying it’s OK not to enjoy being an overweight, ball-shaped, poorly-rested production line. I just wanted my body back. But you missed out “Don’t reach out and stroke my enormous belly that I hate so much, without asking. In fact, don’t even ask.”

    You rock, sister.


  7. don’t be alarmed, but I may love you.
    i never understand why people’s filters break when they see a pregnant woman in front of them and why they feel they are the experts to give such unsolicited advice.
    thanks for posting the handy list that I can now pass out to people when they need the guidance


  8. Quote:Are you really going to eat another cookie/brownie/bowl of ice cream? – Why don’t you just call her a fat bitch and start mooing? If you value your life, you will offer to get her that sixth brownie that she is eyeballing.

    Oh my God, that made me laugh so hard that I scared the crap of of Kioko the Wonder Beagle, and she started baying at me. Oh…oh, Man. Yeah…that was awesome.


  9. I gained 60 lbs with my son and I got asked ALL.THE.TIME. how many I was having, and when I said just the one I either got “Are you sure?” “I’m sorry” or “Ooooh, you look great!” Btw, that “ooooh” was usually the result of them realizing what an ass they made of themselves (and yes, you get to watch their confusion, embarrassment, and horror dash across their faces). I also love “Oh, I bet you’re just ready to get this over with aren’t you?” said oh so patronizingly. No, I would really love to continue this new challenge of trying to shove my over swollen feet into work shoes, and dashing off to the bathroom yet again because I just suddenly felt I had to pee NOW only to realize I didn’t after all.

    Personally, I also love people telling me I shouldn’t eat so much. No shit, I wasn’t hungry…however, the little piggie inside me IS, every 2 hours on the dot and if I don’t eat, he lets me know how unhappy he is with me by squeezing those tiny feet in between my ribs, using my ribcage like the dude in jail with a tin cup or simultaneously trying to make me gag on my stomach while punching me in the bladder. That’s talent.

    My thing was, say whatever dumb thing you want while I’m pregnant…I can ignore you. DO NOT under any circumstances touch my stomach. Just because I enjoy having sex with my husband and I got pregnant does NOT make my belly public fucking property! Touch me and you will walk away without an arm.


  10. Loved this. It has been 22 years since I was pregnant and I still cringe when I see someone rub a pregnant womans belly. I would go off at that. I told everyone DONT TOUCH ME as If they were molesting me. I hated that. Good Luck and hope delivery goes well


  11. I had a good hardy laugh from the blog and all the comments. BUT, I know I’m different – I enjoyed all 6 of my pregnancies and YES , I had some very serious complications with most of them. BUT – I still had such a joy over being pregnant and loving the little one who was stretching my ribs to the heavens! I was told by my OB that their are three types of pregnant women and I was the one who had a glow about her and was absolutely beautiful and that is exactly how I felt.


  12. This woman is a genious!!!!!! I have a tear in my eye because this was the funniest thing I have ever read….mind u it’s only funny because I am no longer pregnant yet can totally relate to all she said. Well done!!!!


  13. I just found your blog tonight, when my husband emailed me your article about “You didn’t thank me for punching you in the face”…which I LOVE LOVE LOVED!

    Anyway- I am pregnant with twins – 25 weeks along actually. I’m going to link this to my blog, but probably not tonight (I just did a new pregnancy post). I have to tell you though – when I was about 19 weeks along, and already getting big, I had made a comment that I FEEL like I’m so HUGE. Now I said that comment – therefore nobody needs to say anything but “oh no, you look great, amazing, etc….” – NOPE – not one chick – who was 30 weeks preggo with ONE – read it ONE baby…she said, “I feel like I’m having twins, I’m 30 weeks but look like I”m 40”. Well, bitch guess what – when I’m 30 weeks pregnant – I will look like I’m 50 weeks pregnant – BECAUSE I AM HAVING TWINS…

    Fat bitch!


  14. After the 87,463rd time someone asked me it they could touch my belly….I asked this small unsuspecting lady who politely asked if she could touch my stomach, if I could grab her tits. WTF? Why is it ok for people to think that they can touch your stomach?? Your touching ME, not my baby. I bet she never wanted to get in a expecting mothers bubble again. Problem solved.


  15. I simply can’t get enough. When I am in terrible parental moment (I won’t specify the occurence of those), I come here, I read your blog, and again and again I find you put to paper (screen) exactly what I am feeling. I laugh my ass off for a good 5 minutes, and I leave feeling much, much better know there is someone else who is:

    “just going to tell you “I’m fine” because people expect you to blow sunshine and rainbows up their skirts and tell you about the magical wonders of pregnancy” [and parenting]


  16. I have two to add to the list of things that a father should never say within earshot of the woman who moments before squeezed a football out of her hoo-hoo after 30 hours of labour. He’s very lucky that I didn’t beat him senseless then and there.

    1. She squeezed my hand so hard during contractions that my wedding ring bruised my finger. I’ll show you a fucking bruise asshole – check out the road rash in my crotch and let’s not even talk about how much that hurt.

    and my personal favourite

    2. Doctor, can you please put a couple extra stiches in there.


    1. Oh! When I hear the stitches joke, it pisses me off so bad. I’m sure men would LOVE it if we asked their doc, “Hey can you injure his dick just enough to cause some swell to his girth? Thanks.” I’m sure that would go over like a lead balloon.


  17. I’m 36 weeks and I’ve been feeling like beating some people up lately for their stupid, insensitive comments. For the last time, NO I’M NOT HAVING TWINS!! It was making me angry just thinking about it when I stumbled upon this blog. I just laughed until I cried. Thank you 🙂


    1. I’m glad I can make anyone laugh at 36 weeks pregnant! If anyone gives you the “it will all be worth it” bullshit, tell them to fuck off for all the other women who have or are currently experiencing their third trimester.


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