Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

The Numbers Game

Boy notices girl.  Girl notices boy.  They lock eyes from across the crowded bar.  The world stands still.  It is, without a doubt, lust at first sight.  He knew the second he laid eyes on her that he wants to spend the rest of his night with her.  One night turns into a week and the next thing they both know, they are considering becoming facebook official!  It is in this “do we or don’t we” conversation that the dreaded question arises: “how many other people have you screwed?”. 

What I always find the most strange about this particular conversation between couples is the timing.  To me, the answer to this question is completely irrelevant anyways but to have this conversation, as most couples do, after the two of you have been humping like rabbits for a month makes it completely pointless.  We all know how this is going to go, too.  A man can say any number from 5-55 and most women will just accept the answer.  Sure, we might wonder how many of them were prettier than we were or quietly worry that he is thinking about one of them when he is with us but most of that all happens in our head.  This is only made worse if you personally know or even know the names of any of his past partners.  When you can put a name and/or face with any of those numbers, you will obsess over those the most.  Then one day, in a month or even a few years, he will ask  you something simple like, “is there any of that chicken leftover from last night?”, and you will flip the fuck out and yell, “I don’t know!  Why don’t you go ask that fucking whore, Lisa, if she has any chicken!!”.  For men, they will hear her number and if it is more than 4-5, he is going to emotionally recoil.  The fact of the matter is, he doesn’t really think you are a whore, he just now feels inadequate and insecure and worries that one of those other guys was better than him and/or one or all of them had a bigger dick than him.  Rather than throw any of these names in her face, as she would to him, the day he blows, he will just call her a dirty slut. 

Ladies, here are some tips to deal with this conversation, should it rear its ugly head:

  • Ask him to answer first.  Immediately after the number is revealed, start crying.  Tell him that you know they were all prettier and thinner than you.  Stand up and start pinching skin out at your love handles and stomach and, between sobs, demand that he admit that he is repulsed by you and the sight of you naked makes him physically ill.  Escape the conversation by telling him that you have to go run 10 miles and do 100 sit-ups.
  • Tell him you were a virgin before him.  If you are one of the rare couples that has this conversation before doing squat jumps on the cucumber, the virgin story will be a breeze.  Depending on your level of commitment, you could have fucked his best friend two weeks before and still pull this off.  You can go low commitment and just act shy and inexperienced or you can go all the way and have hymen replacement surgery.  (Do NOT attempt this method if you have children.)
  • Over share.  Outline the list of all your previous lovers fondly and  in great detail.  Give names and physical descriptions.  Use your hands/fingers to provide a visual reference to the length and girth of their members.  Provide detailed descriptions, even demonstrations, of any special moves or techniques that made them stand apart.  Next time the two of you are bumping bellies, say things like, “John didn’t ever finish before me.”.
  • Ask for a calculator.  Just start punching numbers in, stopping periodically to count on your fingers.  Then say, “Dammit!  I have to start over.”.  Repeat.  Never give an answer.
  • Ask, “you just want to know about PEOPLE, right?”.

Look, if you want to “play it safe”, asking such a question after the two of you have been smashing pissers for weeks or months is pointless.  I think it is a pointless conversation at any stage, really.  If you want to be proactive and your concern is sexual health, get tested before you start rolling in the sheets with one another.  If you start this conversation so far after the fact, I can only assume you are insecure, looking for an out or planning on getting on some moral high horse.  Grow the fuck up.  My husband and I have never had this conversation and never will.  It serves no purpose and, not to mention, who he fucked before he and I started dating has no bearing on our relationship.  It only matters to me if my husband has sex with someone else during our relationship/marriage.  If that happens, we wouldn’t be having a conversation, though.  Dead people suck at conversations.

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

4 thoughts on “The Numbers Game

  1. At the risk of sounding completely redundant, I agree! (also at the risk of seeming stalker-ish since I’m commenting first again lol) My husband and I have never had this conversation, nor will we.

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  2. I, unfortunately, had to have this conversation, seeing as how we still have the same circles of friends…a few of whom Chad had relationships with back in high school. I didn’t want to be the only one around who didn’t know who had been with who.

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  3. It made me smile reading this because I completely agree! My husband and I have been married for two and a half years, and haven’t had and never will have this conversation. He was the one who said, “I don’t want to know and I’m not telling you.” When we were dating, I thought that was weird, but now, I’m so very thankful for it.

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