Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

How to Name Your Baby

Picking a name is often hotly debated between expectant couples.  Hell, even when you and your significant find other find and agree upon a name you both love, your friends and family are sure to put in their two cents.  There is no better feeling than telling  your friend, “we have decided to name him/her (insert name)” and your friend looks at you like she just smelled a fart and proceeds to tell you why and how much she hates the name.   A word of advice to those with pregnant friends and/or family members:  If you didn’t put the baby in me, you don’t get a vote.

At the end of the day, we all want our children to have a name that is meaningful.  A name can make or break a kid, so choose wisely.  You want your kid to be cool, don’t you?  You need to pick a name that says, “I am kickass!”.  You don’t want your baby to have a name that millions of other people have.  You don’t want him/her to have a name that 20 other kids in their classroom will have.  You want them to stand out.  You want them to be an individual.  You have to keep all that in mind when you choose a name.  Let me give you some tips on choosing a name that will make sure your kid is not just another name in the crowd.

  • Look under the kitchen sink- You will find a wealth of inspiration right in your cabinets.  If you are having a girl, you might like the sound of  “Lysol” or, for a boy, “Ajax”.
  • Look in your pantry or refrigerator- Consider Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter, “Apple”, and follow suit.  Your little bundle of joy could be called “Bread” or “Cabbage” .
  • You could take a traditional name and just add a some random, silent, letters or numbers.  If you really want your child to stand out, throw in some silent words!  Instead of Jessica, your daughter could be Jhesc7ihk8a.  Instead of Micheal, your son could be Mhyk-theXisSilent-eahel.  They would be one of a kind!
  • Check out a medical dictionary.  Diarrhea, Chlamydia and Gonorrhea are  unique and feminine names.   Sphincter and Perineum sound like  strong boy’s names.

The possibilities are endless!


I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

One thought on “How to Name Your Baby

  1. No shit, right? Love those blank stares “OMG You’re naming your kid what?” More annoying than that for me though were the people who had to crack the same lame ass joke about how my oldest daughter was going to hate me when she had to learn to spell her name in kindergarten. Seriously? I just smiled politely and remarked on how my kid would not only thank me for her unique name but also for the fact that she had to learn more letters than their kids would have to. John Q. Smith is a cakewalk compared to Molly Izabella Eveleana. Moms like that deserve to have the high school bullshit drama in their lives that they do. I’m sure the names you choose for your kids are beautiful 🙂


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