Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Important Instructions for My Family In Case I Die

I need to make sure that I leave this important information for my family, in the event of my sudden death.  The very idea that something could happen to me before any of them were given these instructions keeps me awake at night with worry.

I can only hope that they will remember these instructions, in the event that I am not around to perform this difficult task.  I can only imagine the total chaos and disarray that would result if this information was not passed on, forgotten or disregarded.

Step one:  Observe.

I know, I know but don’t be frightened.  I am going to walk you through this.  Now, calm down.  This can be fixed.  I know you have always believed that resolving this issue requires some pretty heavy maneuvering.  Given that not one of you has ever even attempted to resolve this problem, I assume that you think it entails phone calls, paperwork, awaiting approval letters, etc  or that a toilet paper fairy visits and replaces the empty roll but, rest assured, such is not the case.   I have been told by others that it is because no one else gives a fuck but I just KNOW that my family does give a fuck and would never be so lazy and would want to do whatever is necessary to help with these trivial tasks to keep me from having to do everything!

Step two:  Remove empty cardboard roll from toilet paper holder. This is truly simple.  Just gently squeeze both sides of the middle dispenser bar and be shocked and amazed at the realization that you possess super strength that makes the metallic tube that you once considered indestructible shrink.

Step three:  Lift the holder containing the empty roll from the mounted base.  Be careful not to drop either of these.  If you do drop one or both of these items, please refer to the set of instructions titled (How To Pick Up Shit That is on the Floor) that, hopefully, I had the chance to write out in detail prior to my demise.

Step four:  Carefully remove empty cardboard roll from dispenser bar.  Again, hold on tight.  If either item is dropped, refer to instructions mentioned in Step three.

Step five:  Get new roll of toilet paper.  Hopefully, someone has kept inventory of the stock of toilet paper and replaced if necessary and you can find a replacement in the linen closet.  Perhaps someone has moved it to the bathroom cabinets.  Most likely, though, you will have to go buy some or steal some from a fast food joint.

Step six:  Slide new roll onto dispenser bar.

Step seven:  Return new roll and dispenser bar to wall mount. To do this, again squeeze the sides of the middle tube to magically shrink it, allowing it to be fit into the wall mount.  As you get better, you can focus on proper installation direction:

Practice, practice, practice.  You can do it!  Refer to these directions anytime that you observe an empty toilet paper roll.

Now, I must begin working on the manual I mentioned in step two, as well as “How to Replace a Trash Bag” and “How to Throw Away Empty Food Containers”.


I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

4 thoughts on “Important Instructions for My Family In Case I Die

  1. Seriously I got one of the L shaped one sided toilet paper holders & sometime sit actually gets changed. I am not saying every time, but perhaps as often as 1/3 of the time someone else an manage to put a roll on instead of me & that is pretty good ratio being as I am a SAHM with a Dh that works a lot & 1 boy age 4 & one too little for toilets. I will say the 1 arm type is also really handy for your 18 month old when he wants to grab something to chuck into the toilet as well. You can’t win them all.


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