Posted in Most Popular, Parenting and Random Shit

I Have A Dream

I have been asked countless times, especially since being pregnant, “are you guys going to have more kids?”.  Fuck no!  That is my canned response.  Their automatic assumption leads to their next question of “Oh!  So, are you going to get your tubes tied when you have this one?”.  Fuck no.  That is my canned response.

First of all, why is the default assumption that women will or should be the ones responsible for birth control, permanent or otherwise?  I have yet to encounter one person that jumps to the conclusion that my husband will be the one going under the birth control knife.  Truth be told, even my husband, during my last pregnancy, assumed it would be me.  “If they are doing a c-section, they can just do all that then, right?”, he asked.  After I killed him a million and one ways in my mind and shot daggers at him with my eyes, I sweetly informed him that he was sorely mistaken.  I lovingly explained to him that we had three children and his junk had nothing but fun on the road to bringing them into this world.  My junk and the rest of my body, on the other hand, had been through hell and back during that journey.  Now, with the fourth one on the way, I think it is about time that his junk took one for the team.

As I have sought out someone to perform this procedure on my husband, I have discovered that dick doctors are a lot less supportive of family involvement than vagina doctors.  My husband has been allowed, even encouraged, to be in the same room with me during every step of our family planning.  When I have been laid out, spread eagle, in a hospital bed, being violated seven ways to Sunday, he was there.  When I pushed for over two hours to squeeze out a screaming human larvae, the nurse kept directing his attention to the upskirt view so he could have a front row seat to all the action.  When I was strapped down to a table having a child surgically removed from my body, he was there and was encouraged to peek over the curtain to watch it all.  In each instance, he was also invited over and handed a pair of surgical scissors and permitted to cut through the umbilical cord, taking an active role.  So, pray tell me, why are these dick doctors  being so fucking weird about me wanting to take a similarly active role in this part of our family planning journey?  Here is my vision, as I explain it to them when I call:

I want to be in the room with my husband when they do the procedure, from the first shot of dick numbing medicine to the last stitch.  I want to tell him “breathe!  breathe!  Can you feel that?  Does it hurt?  Oh my god!  YIKES!!  This has to hurt!  BREATHE!!!”.  I want to take pictures.  I want the dick doctor to hand me the scissors and let me cut the “cord”.  After the procedure is complete, I would like for someone to take a picture of me posing with his newborn dick.  I am thinking I want it wrapped in a blanket and me cradling it in my hands.  I want to have a hospital gown and I want the doctors, after the procedure, to rub ink on his newborn dick and press ball prints and maybe a mushroom print on my hospital gown.  I just want it to be special, dammit!!  Why is every fucking dick doctor so uptight?  Just because men refer to them as their “jewels” does not make it true.  They are dicks.  If my husband is allowed to shimmy up a front row seat in the birthing room, inches away from the baby cannon and then handed a pair of fucking scissors to start cutting shit, why don’t I get the same treatment from the dick doctor.  It is bullshit.

I am still looking for a doctor.

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

18 thoughts on “I Have A Dream

  1. Hallefuckinglujah! My tubes are the only things still in tact after both, a cesarean and a vaginal birth. Hubbies tubes? Not so much. He tried researching reasons it was worse for a man to have his junk cut on than a woman’s.. and found none. Never mind that mine HAD ALREADY BEEN CUT! Fucker. He went through with it in the end, but being in the room would have made it a fantastical experience for me. I day dream of taking a knife to his junk many days. /sigh

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  2. First of all thank you for making Me laugh till I cried. Something else along these lines, was listening to Howard stern the other morning and he was going on about how TSA has changed the view of the body scan machines so it shows an un-detailed rendering of people’s junk. His theory on this is because all of a sudden men realized that people could see the size (or lack there of) of their junk… Not that they were worried that women were showing their tits.

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    1. Haha! You are probably right, though. I read the story, some time ago, about the one TSA worker that was suing or trying to sue or was just pissed because, during training, he went into to the body scan machine and evidently was found to be packing a very unimpressive “weapon” and the image was emailed to all of his coworkers and saved. Any adjustments or demands for reform will be because men are afraid that everyone will find out that they have a “little secret”.

      I am glad you enjoyed this! Thanks for reading and feel free to pass it on!

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  3. I have a friend that was allowed to be in the room & watch the whole procedure. She explained it all to me in great detail (much to my dismay) & how interesting it all was. I am not sure if any of the other one’s I know who have Dh’s with it done wanted to watch. I never thought about it. I guess I assumed that if you wanted to be there you could since I know someone who was. It’s not something I want to watch, but then again I did not want to really watch the birth of my kids either. I was offered a mirror & declined.

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  4. For someone who claims to care so much about correct language usage, even going so far as to invent a nonexistent distinction between “nauseous” and “nauseated”, you don’t seem to have noticed that “larvae” is a plural. You didn’t “squeeze out a screaming human larvae”, you squeezed out a screaming human larva.

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    1. LMAO. Yes, I invented the entire distinction. Pulled it straight out of my ass. I bet you think I invented the distinction between literally and figuratively, as well. They both mean the same exact thing. Whatever makes you feel better.

      To the larvae correction, I want to give you a gold star! I don’t claim to be perfect. I can admit to making mistakes and being prone to errors, even typos. Rest assured, I won’t be willfully ignorant and tell you that you pulled that out of your ass and repeat the mistake just for spite. Thanks for catching that.

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  5. I’m a little late to this party, but I just had to comment that not only was I allowed in the room during my husband’s “procedure” but the doctor let me “cut the cord,” so to speak. He held up the little white tubule and I got to go “snip.” It was very cool, and helped me with the finality of the whole situation (I wanted another kid, hubby not so much).

    Great blog!

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  6. Great posts!
    I found this one a little strange, because in the UK no-one would know what the ‘tube tying’ thing is all about, but Vasectomies are common place…. just a thought.

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  7. Funniest thing I have read in my entire life!!! I was dying laughing and had to read it out loud to my husband in between my bouts of crying. He didn’t quite understand…

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