Yesterday morning, I woke up to such a wonderful surprise: I was getting ready for the day when I heard a knock coming from one of the bedrooms. I realized it was Number 3 and the sound of him knocking on his door meant he had learned how to climb out of his crib. I thought that would the bad news for the morning but I opened his door and realized how wrong I was. There he stood, smiling up at me, with those big, handsome eyes and then I took inventory of the situation. Not only had he climbed out of his crib but he had also removed his diaper and shit all over his bedroom floor. Like most people, there is nothing I like doing more, right after getting out of the shower in the morning, than cleaning up fresh piles of shit from my carpet.
I know, I know, some of you read this and think, “DAMN! How did she get to be so lucky?”. Well, let me tell you my friends, I don’t like to brag but that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the spoils of motherhood.
- This is not the first time he has managed to get his diaper off after filling it up. On more than one occasion, he has finger painted me beautiful murals across his bedroom walls, made entirely of paint he made himself, in his pants.
- Number One, Number Two and Number Three are complete and total fucking pigs. When George Bush was looking for weapons of mass destruction, he didn’t have to go to the Middle East, he just had to come to my house. Even on housekeeper day (my favorite day of any week), these WMDs can destroy this house in no time flat. I don’t know how they do it, either! I swear, it will look like they have been watching TV for an hour and then I look around and every room in my house is a shit hole. I know that they only explanation is that they have magical, destructive wizard powers.
- Everyone always says, “you have to watch what you say in front of children.”. What the fuck do these people know? Certainly nothing about children or, at least, not my children. I can pretty much say whatever the fuck I want in front of my children because they don’t fucking listen to a damn thing I say. It doesn’t matter if I say “stop pulling your sister’s hair!” or “Gah-dammit! Stop fucking pulling your fucking sister’s fucking hair!”. I might as well be reciting a fucking recipe for pea soup. It is like talking to toast.
- Did you know that “Go clean your room.” actually means “Go fuck off in your room or watch tv. Whatever you want.”? Neither did I!
- If mothers wore uniforms, those with more than one child would be wearing a black and white striped shirt and a whistle because a large portion of the day is spent breaking up sibling brawls and refereeing decisions on everything from what will be on the tv to who gets the last cracker.
- When you have your first child, and every subsequent child, for that matter, you cannot WAIT to hear them say “momma” for the first time. Give it a couple of years. The sweetest sound you have ever heard is soon to become nails on a fucking chalkboard. That sweet cooing of your baby first saying “momma” that melted your heart, soon evolves into the word that will make you consider drowning yourself in the mop bucket. “Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! MOOOOOOOM!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!” will soon drive you to the brink of insanity.
- Children, as it turns out, are equipped with some sort of sensor. I haven’t determined where the sensor is located but it is there. This sensor signals your child every. single. fucking. time. you are beginning to relax, when you are in the middle of an important conversation, when the automated system for the light/cable/water/internet/phone company is asking you to “please say what you are calling about so I can direct your call.”, etc. They can be in the middle of anything and they will drop everything to run out and interrupt you, making sure that you re-tense, have to stop your conversation or have to repeat your issue to the computer twenty fucking times before it just hangs up on you. I swear, the slightest sign of relaxation from a mother could wake a child from a fucking coma.
- Do you have any idea how many times a day a kid shits? Number three goes, at least, 341 times a day. True story. Also, for some reason, potty trained children cannot grasp the concept of flushing a fucking toilet. It is like Christmas every day when I walk into the restroom and see the gifts my older kids left me in the toilet.
Don’t be jealous.