Posted in Most Popular, Parenting and Random Shit

An Open Letter

Dear Husband,

You are the light of my life, the heart of my heart.  After all these years you still make me laugh more than anyone else can and you still make my heart go pitty-pat.  The next time that you wake me up at the ass crack of dawn while you are getting ready for a golf tournament, though, I am going to shank you.  Prison style.

You know those drawers that you don’t seem to realize CAN be closed quietly?  They can. This morning, when you were opening and closing drawers, LOUDLY, I looked over at the back of your head, lovingly, and considered pushing your face into the drawer and slamming it a few times.  But I didn’t because I love you.  After that, love of my life, you sat on the bed to put on your shoes and I am not sure if you were wrestling an alligator while putting on your shoes but you were moving the bed around like a cheap midway ride.  When I asked, “are you fucking kidding me?”, it was just my way of saying “I love you and I will miss you while you are gone.” but if that happens in a few months while I am holding a sleeping infant, I will kill you.   And, I don’t mean “I’ll kill you”.  I mean, I will stop your fucking heart.  And I don’t want to do that because it would be like killing a piece of me.

Just remember how much I love you and how much I love the family we have built together.  While you are at it, my love, please remember that I am an unpleasant bitch in the morning, after the sun comes up.  What I am capable of upon being rudely (yet, I know mistakenly) awaken prior to sunrise is unknown and I absolutely cannot be held responsible for what I may do to you, center of my world, if you end up inadvertently waking up the newest bundle of joy that we are expecting later this year.

All my love,

Your wife


I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

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