Ladies and Gentlemen, unless you have been too smart to step outside or have been held captive and unable to go outside, you know that it is hot as hell here in the south. I am pretty sure that my thermostat is busted because it says 100 degrees and the weatherman is lying because he says, with the heat index, 110 degrees. According to my internal thermometer, when I walk outside, it is well over 10,000 degrees. I am pretty sure that the apocalypse is near. I don’t dare walk outside because I know I will turn, immediately, into a pile of ash.
Need some activities and projects to keep you and the kids from going stir crazy:
- Set out a jar of mayonnaise for an afternoon. Voila! Homemade botox! Get some syringes and start attacking those wrinkles. Need extra cash? Charge friends and neighbors $300 per ounce of your jar of youth.
- Set up a baby pool and a slip and slide in your front yard. Put signs up directing people to the “WATERPARKAPALOOZA”. Charge $20 admission. Get a whistle and put some neon Zinc sunscreen on your nose. Be an arrogant, asshole of a lifeguard.
- Gather everyone into the yard, in the direct sunlight and heat, and see who can go the longest without pussing out or passing out.
- Get a lawn chair and go to the local convenience store. Grab a couple of magazines and some snacks and go set up a spot in the walk in cooler.
- Wondering what to make for dinner? Snow cones really hit the spot.
- Open up a fire hydrant to beat the heat. For added entertainment, do it downtown during rush hour.
- Start a new trend: indoor BBQs. I wonder why that never caught on.
- Teach the kids the art of sculpting kick ass shot blocks.
All isn’t lost! Keep these in mind for next year when, contrary to popular belief, it will be this fucking hot again just like it has been this fucking hot in past years.