Posted in Parenting and Random Shit

Time out or a wooden stake?

He is so adorable and so chubby and sweet looking, I never saw this coming.  He runs over, staring at you with his big brown eyes, and at the last minute he opens his mouth and sinks in those teeth.  Yes.  It is true.  I can barely say it out loud but here goes:   My youngest child has OBVIOUSLY turned into a vampire.  At the slightest provocation, he is willing to sink his teeth into any exposed patch of flesh to satisfy his thirst for blood.

I have been doing some research, since coming to terms with my son’s transformation into one of hell’s minions but the information is conflicting.  One researcher says that vampires cannot go out in daylight or they will spontaneously combust or something similar, while another says that vampires can, in fact, go into the sunlight and their skin will sparkle as if they had their entire body vagazzled.  So, I am confused.  My son can go out into the sunlight without bursting into flames but he does not look like a fairy that was rolled around in a truckload of glitter, either.  Do you think he might have some form of vampire eczema that could explain this or do I accept the other research that says that the glitter skin is bullshit?

Most of the research tends to agree that vampires possess some degree of powers and some research indicates that they can hypnotize or “glamour” their victims.  He DOES possess this ability.  He can look at you and you will believe that he is going to approach you and hug you or kiss you and then, suddenly, he is going in for the kill!  I need to create some sort of warning system so that unsuspecting innocents can be made aware that he is a demon cleverly disguised as a little, chubby angel.  Don’t be fooled.
I have tried to time out and he continues to try to make meals of the family.  I am conducting further research on how to remedy or tame him.  I would prefer to consider staking as an absolute last resort.

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

3 thoughts on “Time out or a wooden stake?

  1. I think my youngest has shown early signs of this. FIrst – he bit me on his thrid latch — yep you heard it THRID – as in hours old…and he continued through the first several weeks – including half ripping off my nipple. The Dr’s gave it some fancy schmancy name – but it was basically trying to eat my nipple off. And no – I am not talking bad latch. His latch was fine – then randomly he would chomp. Later that has turned into random spans of time where he decides (sadly and literally) to stay awake all.night.long. People say stupid shit like “Keep him up all day” – really? How? My child will absolutely fall asleep stuck in an exersaucer or randomly playing on the floor – WHEN I DON’T WANT HIM TO. he will also stay asleep when I pick him up & move him, put him in & take him out of the car seat, fall asleep setting up in the shopping cart in the store & refuse to walk if I take him out of the cart & lay on the floor crying, etc.

    Those same people that think he doesn’t sleep at night because *I* don’t keep him up during the day are now wanting to call CPS on my ass for allowing a “poor baby” to lay on the floor of Target & cry, clearly so deliriously tired his eyes are crossing. When I want him to sleep? Knock out drops for a horse wouldn’t phase him. Seriously. My mom told me that shit so often (what I “needed” to be doing in regard to his sleep)that I challenged her to come over & straighten his sleep out – after all she raised 5 kids. He kicked.her.ass & she left with a mild case of Alzheimers brought on by the confusing situation of my (vampire) baby. That IS what I call him. He randomly decides that he must avoid the daytime a tall costs. He IS sucking the life out of me if not my literal blood. That has to mean something. Sure – he is all gooey & cute & hardly ever cries…but the little demon is passive aggressive. He make sit look like all roses & then stays awake until 6am & conks out withing a coupe hours (if that) of his older brother peeling my eyelids up & asking if I am “up yet” as if I have been lazing all day.

    People ask all the time how he is sleeping now or if it improving. A few times i can say “yes”…most times not. They say the reason they ask is not to criticize, but because they are concerned that I am overexerting myself, or getting exhausted. To that I say bullshit. Those same fuckers don’t ever offer to TAKE my kids so I can nap…so how “concerned” are they really? I think they just like to see if I am still suffering & then they can feel somehow superior since they got more than 3 hrs of interrupted sleep last night. Whatever. I got it covered.

    As much as I might complain about my vampire (and I do) – the fact is – life sucking & nipple biting & all he is STILL wayyy cooler than any 8 hrs of sleep I ever got. Now I may look 10 yrs older & can’t talk a straight conversation many days. Then again I don’t need to talk straight with a kiddo that babbles – he gets me and I get lots of gross slobbery kisses & stuff. I just hope when his fangs come in (and they are coming in – right now actually) that he doesn’t take on the phase your little monster is in.

    I can confirm that mine doesn’t disintegrate in the sun nor does he sparkle – but I *think * I may have read somewhere that those rules don’t apply to child vampires & it isn’t until midnight on their 18th birthday that the “vampire rules” apply – they can’t make us into vampires *now* – this is their training/.learning phase…and they have no real powers until then. I *could* be wrong, and I guess I hope that I am.

    God help us.

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    1. Sam was like that! I swear! He would sleep in 45 minute intervals and he started biting my nipples on his third day of life. Fast forward a few weeks and he is clamping down and, I swear to gawd, whipping his head over in an attempt to rip my nipple right off of my body.

      I feel you so hard on the parenting advice. I feel a blog coming on.

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  2. Friggin frackin – I thought I proof read this. BAH! I already explained my sleep deprivation – so don’t judge my typinese – mkay?

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