Perfect parents are so fucking annoying. When they are around, you can rest assured that you will hear what you are doing wrong and/or how they would handle the situation differently and/or wouldn’t permit such a thing with their children. They have an answer for every parenting dilemma and a critique of every action and interaction that occurs or could occur with children. There is just one problem with these perfect parents: They don’t have any children.
If only these people knew what complete assholes they were. I just live for the day that these people will have actual living, breathing children. Children that, regardless of how perfectly behaved your imaginary children were, will scream, cry, won’t sleep, talk back and drive you abso-fucking-lutely insanse.
Consider this blog to be SURVIVAL 101 for all the previously perfect parents that now have to actually parent and are failing miserably at creating perfect robots.
When you were a perfect parent, you said your children would NEVER watch TV. Now that you actually have a kid, this should be the very first one that you let go of, for the sake of your own sanity. TV is a wonderful, magical box that has the power to capture children’s attention and shut them up for hours at a time. Now, if you have no desire to ever shower, go to the bathroom or enjoy a single moment of peace, then by all means, get rid of the magic box. If, however, the aforementioned activities do sound appealing to you, turn on the live in nanny and let it do its job! You don’t have to turn on Skinemax. You have countless kid friendly options. Not only do you get some down time and a chance to shower or open a new bottle of wine but in a few years when you realize that all that quality time with Barney has resulted in your toddler knowing shapes and colors, well you will know that you did the right thing and your kid learned more from TV than you had the time or patience to teach him/her. Win, win.
Perfect parents also cook every single meal, including snacks, for their children. It is also completely organic and free of trans fats and any artificial preservatives or dyes. Once you have actual children, especially if you have more than one, you will find this to be a lofty goal. Now, obviously, there are children with certain medical conditions that necessitate certain diets (gluten free, etc) and there is absolutely no reason to funnel trans fat and artificial dyes or high fructose corn syrup into your children. Not cooking three gourmet meals and snacks a day does not mean that you have to resort to M&Ms and Mt Dew. I, however, am not above making a quick meal or snack out of a peanut butter sandwich, cup of soup, cereal or lunchables. When I am feeling like running for mother of the year, though, I might throw a pan of chicken nuggets in the oven.
Perfect parents would NEVER yell at their children or lose their cool, for even a moment. They are always calm and collected and COMMUNICATE with their children. They are always controlled and nothing short of effective. When they actually have children, they will battle with themselves, at least, once a day to try and refrain from letting a litter or profanities fly from their mouths.
I am not a perfect parent and I never will be a perfect parent. I will be the first to admit I have fucked up so many times and I will fuck up many more. My children are not perfect. They don’t always behave perfectly and they don’t always look perfect. As a matter of fact, on most days, they are wearing nothing but underwear/diapers, as they run around the house.
If you want to be a perfect parent, you must make sure to never actually have any children. That is the only way. If you have any future plans of having children, I suggest you keep your perfect parenting advice and critiques to yourself. Believe me, we may smile and nod but, inside, we are laughing at you, not with you.