Posted in Most Popular, Parenting and Random Shit

The secret to my happy marriage…

I often hear people say that the secret to a happy marriage is “trust”, “respect”, “shared interests”, “spending quality time together”, etc.  Well, that is all bullshit.  Ask a divorcee.  Most will tell you that they had (or thought they had) some, if not all, of these characteristics or efforts within their previous marriage(s).  Few will say they thought they had anything but a normal, average marriage before deciding to purchase their ticket to the “Big D”.

Trust-Seriously?  Do you really need someone to tell you that you should trust the person you marry?  If you can’t trust someone, you shouldn’t be friends with them, much less have sex with them and/or commit to spend the rest of your life and possibly raise children with said person.  If you need this explained to you, please remove yourself from the gene pool.

Respect-Sure, you should respect one another.  Respect is such a broad term, though.  My husband can piss me off like no one else can and vice versa.  If I get annoyed and tell him he is an asshole or he tells me to shut the fuck up, obviously we are not being respectful but if you are willing to throw in the towel because you or your spouse lost your cool and called you a name, you need to grow the fuck up.  I respect my marriage, regardless of whether I am pissed at my husband or living in wedded bliss.  I took vows, among those I vowed to love him in sickness and in health, I vowed to love him for richer or poorer, I vowed to be faithful, I even vowed not to step on his blue suede shoes.  I never took any vow not to call him a fucking douchebag when he would pretend to be asleep and unaware of our newest infant awakening for the third time in 5 hours.

Shared interests-You can shove this one up your ass.  I am not going to even try to give a fuck about golf or Nascar.  In return, I will not expect him to give a fuck about my shoe collection or how to improve said collection.  He is also not expected to notice when I have my hair done or when I am wearing a new outfit.  As a matter of fact, it is preferential that he not notice so that I am not expected to answer any questions about spending.  Everyone is happy.

Spending quality time together-This does not take that much effort, people.  Men:  Exchanging bodily fluids does not, in and of itself, constitute “quality time”.

The fact is, people, some of that shit I listed above is important but do you really need to be told not to fuck other people or to spend time with one another?  If you do, you are doomed.  I am going to tell you the real secret.  You want a happy husband?  Here is the key:  LOW EXPECTATIONS.

-Do you have the house spotless and dinner on the table every night when hubby gets home?  Well, stop that shit.  Depending on how long you have been acting like Donna fucking Reed, it may take you a little more time to reset his expectations.

*When you do this shit every fucking day, you and your efforts get taken for granted.  It becomes expected and, most often, your husband’s expectations increase at a more accelerated rate and he has the audacity to begin expressing disappointment, like “I was hoping you would make mashed potatoes and gravy from scratch” or “this would have been better with a little more pepper.” or “is the vacuum not working today?”.  When that happens, I want you to squash the urge to slap him with the chicken breast you have hand seasoned and marinated all day and strangling him with the vacuum cord.  You have no one to blame but yourself for his inflated expectations and resulting insulting advice.  You can fix this, though.  It is not too late.  You have to decide, here and now, that you are committed to retraining him.  Men are like lumps of clay.  They can be molded and remolded.  If you let him sit for a while molded in a particular way, you may have to pound it a little harder or knead it a little longer but, rest assured, he can be reshaped.  Let tears and sex be your sculpting tools.

This house is never spotless.  Damn!  I have three kids and now I have another one freeloading in my uterus.  I pick up the living room, seemingly, just to make more room for these little tornadoes to destroy.  Guess what, if you think that I suck at housekeeping, I don’t give a shit.  If you think my floors could be cleaner, feel free to grab a vacuum.  If you see I missed a spot or 10 on my counters, grab a fucking sponge.  If you expect this place to sparkle and for me to greet you with my hair pefectly coiffed, wearing makeup and pearls, you married the wrong woman.  If I want to look nice, I will put on a bra.  That is dressing up.

If you come home and smell something burning, dinner is ready!  If not, feel free to help yourself to leftovers, make a sandwich or have cereal.

The 2-3 times a week that I do make an actual dinner, it is like Christmas for my husband.  When the kids spend more time outside on certain days and I actually get the house to look really nice, he notices.  You see, I keep his expectations low and he appreciates and acknowledges those things that Donna fucking Reed’s husband takes for granted every day.   He is happy because he has a giant hunk of delicious roast on his plate and I am happy because he can’t stop telling me what a wonderful cook I am.

This, my friends, is the key to a successful marriage.  You can thank me later.  Now, start pounding that man clay.

Author:

I am a stay at home mother with 4 children. I drink a lot of wine and curse like a sailor.

16 thoughts on “The secret to my happy marriage…

  1. While I think you make a lot of valid points here, I think you’re going about it all wrong. While men will easily slip into ruts and take things for granted, a good man is not one that is manipulated into expecting less from his wife, but rather one that has opened communication with his wife. I don’t think it is right that you should do less so he appreciates the little. He needs to learn to appreciate all of it, all levels. Without knowing the truth behind it, your man will always settle into the rut, regardless of how much or how little you do. It is natural. Time to rip off the band aid and fix the real problem, he doesn’t know what all you do for him, but it is time he learns.

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    1. No worries. My husband and I have a great marriage. We have been together for over 11 years and have our fourth child on the way. We are doing something right. There is a little thing called satire. This is all just fun, don’t take it so literally. My husband and I have great communication and we also both have a great sense of humor. That is the reason I can write this sort of satire and he can read it and laugh. He reads every. single. one. of my blurbs and is my biggest fan and supporter. Thanks for your “concern” but it is absolutely unnecessary. This obviously flew right over your head if you took this so literally, much less believed me to be seeking marital counseling from the interwebz.

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  2. Well “Queen” I have known you for quite some time and did not know you had this blog but after the comment you made on FB, I had to see what it was all about. I have to say that I absolutely LOVE IT! This is the same person I met 12/13 years ago and besides the addition of children, you have not changed!! And since I believe you and the “King” have been married since the day you met, he OBVIOUSLY knows “what all you do for him!” It’s sad to say, but maybe your special commenter is not involved in the loving, dysfunctional, lifelong, relationship as we are so blessed to have! !!!”

    Love ya!

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    1. Right!?! People that don’t know us well are often perplexed or put off by my and the “king’s” sense of humor and how we joke with one another. If you can’t laugh at yourself, though, you are doomed for misery. Matthew and I make it a habit to laugh at ourselves, pretty much daily. If we took the day to day antics, uproar and resulting stress of 3.5 kids without being able to laugh at shit, we would go absolutely insane! Thankfully, we have so many people that do know us and do understand and “get” our sense of humor.

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  3. IO am sad to say your satire is reality for me. Is that wrong? I am kind of kidding – but not really…. :/ Now I am proud of your 11 yrs (and know you have a good marriage) but my marriage is only 10 yrs & we have been together for almost 20 yrs (20 yrs next fall)…and I have to say that you can pretty much do LITERALLY what you outlined here & still be pretty dang happy & have your man feel pretty special every time you shave your armpits. 😉 That would be funnier if I were kidding. Anyway – as always love your writing style lady…you always make me laugh, even if it takes a few glasses of wine first to get it going.

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    1. BAHAHAHA! You and I can hang out, hairy pits and all. I am lucky to get to wash my hair, much less shave my pits. I do it on “shpeshial” occassions. I would wax them but, holy sheesh, the very thought makes my eyes water! Once baby number four gets here, I will probably be sporting my “winter coat” for a while. I don’t mind sticking baby in the sling to pee but shaving with the baby strapped on could be hazardous.

      I feel a future blog coming on.

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  4. Oh & I totally should have edited that before I posted now that I see I can’t edit now after the fact…sorry for the bad beckinese style typing. It’s how I roll sans spellcheck these days. It works sometimes, others not so much.

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  5. Low expectations is a good start. I was a bit shocked when you said you “have three kids and now I have another one freeloading in my uterus.” Lost my vote on that one. I stopped reading the blog after reading that.

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  6. You aren’t funny. You are dysfunctional and sad. Let your daughters hear him tell you to shut the fuck up a few times, or worse your sons hear it. This is low-class and disturbing. So much so, that I hope you take his advice.

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    1. PSA: Do you or someone you love spend your time reading blogs, bitching and moaning in the comments section, hoping that indignation and insults from a stranger on the internet will cause the blogger distress and/or anguish? Do you believe that, like you, the blogger has one or more fucks to give about anonymous strangers’ opinions? Have you been mislead to believe that you don’t have the option to close and avoid blogs that you don’t enjoy or agree with? THERE IS HELP!! Internet Troll Disorder is real. Those who struggle with this disorder don’t know that they can close the window of their browser that contains content that they find uninteresting or offensive. They are delusional, believing that they are required to read the blog pages they open. Often, they have no concept of sarcasm or satire and take even the most obvious examples literally. You can make a difference. Teach them about sarcasm/satire/irony, with real world examples. Also, show them how to close browser windows and how easy it is to navigate away from content they don’t feel suited to them and, finally, remind them that many people on the internet don’t give a shit if strangers in cyberspace don’t like their point of view.

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