It is hard to come to grips with the fact that there are so many stupid people walking among us. I mean seriously stupid fucking people. My normal bullshit tolerance is fairly low but when I am pregnant, it is almost non-existent. I don’t know if pregnant people make the stupid people reveal themselves more freely or if I am just a total bitch when I am baking tiny humans. If you take a poll, I am sure most people would vote the latter but I disagree. I am fairly certain that I am a ray of fucking sunshine during the months when I am crying over things like dog food commercials, peeing every 5.5 mins, fighting the occasional urge to vomit and developing a figure similar to many large sea dwelling mammals,
1.) I would really like to know what it is about a pregnant belly that compels perfect strangers to approach and start rubbing on it, without so much as tossing a Snicker’s bar at me first. I can’t imagine these same people would appreciate me randomly approaching them and just running my hands all over their protruding guts. Being pregnant does not negate my need for PERSONAL SPACE!
2.) Why the fuck do you think that it is a good idea to tell me about your friend’s -cousin’s- brother’s -best friend’s-wife’s-sister in law that carried to (enter my gestational stage) and gave birth to a child that was a rare genetic anomaly with two heads and a hump that died 6 minutes later. If you could keep that to yourself, that would be great.
4.) I don’t give a flying fuck if you heard or read somewhere that I shouldn’t drink the Dr. Pepper I just opened. Kiss my ass. If you see me cut a line of coke, intervene. Otherwise, shut the fuck up.
5.) Yes. I am getting huge. Thanks for, not only, noticing but for announcing it to the entire fucking world.
6.) Yes. I also know what causes this. Although, I must say, you are the FIRST person to have made that joke upon hearing I was pregnant with our fourth child. If you only want to have 0-2 kids, good for you. If I want to pack a small army into my uterus, that is my fucking prerogative. Mmmkay?
If this message stops just one person from being a complete asshat when encountering a pregnant woman, I will feel like a success.